Hello
  I am not even sure where to begin.  I have been watching and viewing porn since I was around 13. I am now 40+.   
  I am married and have a number of kids.  I am also on the Autism Spectrum.   I am only mentioning it as it might be important.
     I am a BT and I never went to Yeshiva but did take off some time before marriage to learn for about a year.  My wife is also a BT.
  
 When I was growing up, while all my friends would go to strip clubs and stuff I would not as I felt very uncomfortable with that scene and embarrassed, but I would look ay my fathers stack of Playboy magazines as well as get off to the images in the Sears Catalog.  I would find that they would use the same model in different images from fully clothed to Bra and panties.

   Later on when I lived by myself I would buy porn videos from the used bookstore.
I  would also download off the internet.   
  I was able to go a period of time without viewing any porn when I was learning,  but that's not an option anymore since I have a family to support.  
  My wife is a person who loves having sex.  I do not.     She can have sex a few times a day.  I find it to be a chore. But part of the reason is of course because I masturbate, I don't really need her.  I can get full pressure from it without having to give anything in return.

 The problem is porn to me is like Viagra, in order for me to get interested in my wife and her high sex drive. I have to have it on my mind and the one thing  I can do is view sexually related items. But then I go too far and it becomes full blown porn.   So I am not sure where I stand on things as I am at the point where I need to be able to logon to Amazon and read/download their sexual stories but then i go one step further and start to find porn sites or better yet go to porn sites. 

     So not sure where I stand on things right now.  But Thought I would just post an initial hello message.

       

Welcome. It was a wise choice to come to GYE. You can iyh be helped. You were courageous by writing so honestly and getting it all out. Have you ever spoken to anyone about all this? A rebbi? therapist? A friend involved your becoming a BT? Hatzlocha.

I have not spoken to anyone about this.  It's not something that I want to share.
I don't trust people that easily.

mystory wrote on 13 Sep 2017 09:36:

Hi
Another asd gye :-)
I share your scare about opening up to anyone about your problems. Keep on posting and you may discover new territory

Sounds from your intro that you can't have sex as much as you'd like. 
Is that the most presssing porn issue you have?  What exactly is bothering you?

mystory wrote on 13 Sep 2017 11:55:

We definitely respect that and you should not speak with someone until you are confident that they are normal healthy people who can respect your privacy and keep a secret. There are some very good people here but you have just joined and have not gotten to know the oilam here yet.  At the same time, it would be advisable to think of someone wise and trustable in your community or a therapist trained in these matters. Just food for thought. The decision is yours. Wishing you much hatzlocha.

Welcome!  There's a lot going on in your post (and in your life).  Did you always find sex to be a chore?  Do you think it became that way because of your wife's high sex drive (which is unusual, especially at that age)? 

Before I was married I never had sex.    
    Since I have been married, I have found it to be at times a chore.  I don't love the foreplay, I do it for my wife's sake. But  I would prefer to go inside her and be done.    One of the positive benefits of watching all these videos is I have learned how to pleasure her in ways she would not have thought about, which has led her to want to have sex more often.

Hi. Some food for thought.   Here on GYE we learn that sex is about giving, not taking. Be proud of the fact that you have learned how to pleasure your wife and delay your own enjoyment. Most of us were wired to "prefer to go inside and be done", and BH have slowly changed it to not even needing that part to happen. And yes, we are still normal people. Hang around. You will only benefit iyh.

"One of the positive benefits of watching all these videos is I have learned how to pleasure her in ways she would not have thought about, which has led her to want to have sex more often."

Perhaps in your situation, this is not a benefit.  Women generally don't like to engage in sex when it is void of emotion.  Your description of finding it a chore leads me to beleive that there is no or little emotional bonding going on.  If this is the case, you may both need help.  I have no idea what form that should take, but you do not have a healthy sex life which is important to a healthy marriage.

How is your marriage?  Are you happy?  Is your wife happy?  Do you feel connected emotionally?

Reading what you wrote, it just seems to me that a lot more is going on than some masturbation.  Just my hunch.

As  I mentioned in my Intro I am on the Autism spectrum.  So  I do lack the emotional maturity of those who are what is known as NT.  This does cause issues in the marriage.

 The marriage can be rocky.   We have had a rough time since almost the beginning and maybe even the beginning.  But  I am hoping that at least I will be able to control the porn fetish that I have and this group is helping alot with that. 
and we have been seeking help for many years, but were sort of at an impasse.  So all I can do is work on myself.

Brother - you may relate to some of my story

See guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/263954?limit=500

Hey Brother,

So from me you may get a different perspective because while I am a Baal Teshuva, I am still very much secular. I don't blame you for not wanting to approach people in the Frum community(not including this site, this site is 12 step based and that's where the magic happens). You are a soldier in a war fighting against enemies in addiction and compulsion that you can't possibly understand yet. Never trust a civilian with a soldiers secret. There are more than enough people in the recovery community that understand what your going through. It makes sense that you don't trust people easily. I'm sure somewhere in your past you suffered a traumatic experience that led you to a lifetime of self medicating. Truthfully, just like my Father, your Father left playboys lying around where you had access. Guess what, that is child abuse and you were sexually abused by it.  Our parents didn't know the harm of a child's exposure to hyper-sexual material. Only now do we understand the arousal template, it's formation and our neuro-plasticity and transmission. I'm going to cut this short because recovery is a long, arduous, painful process, BUT AND I MEAN BUT, I promise you it is the most rewarding process and who you will become through the process of your recovery will be stunning. You will be the happiest person, free of guilt and free of shame. You will embrace the sadness, you will learn to sit through the grief and loss without even considering masturbating. You will discover that what you are hiding from is a scary shadow on the wall cast by a mosquito.

So  First.  Not sure of the Etiquette of this forum.  Do  I post this here or in the 90 count or somewhere else.
 I am struggling in certain areas.  First
I  dont know where I stand.    
   I have four  addictions that I am trying to break.

1) Masturbation
2)  Video watching
3) x-rated Image Viewing
4) Story Reading

  I am doing a 90 chart, failed  #1 and #4  already  #2 and #3  are doing okay so far.  I am not sure if i should start the 90 day count again,  reason being against it is because thne I could say great lets take a break for a day or two and watch some Free videos.  Since the streak is now over.
     The second thing is  I am having a hard time figuring out why masturbation is wrong.  
  
  I know in terms of technically terms it leads to the spilling of the seeds and that is a torah prohibition.   But thats not good enough for me.    I can go through all the Torah commandments and find many that i dont keep as I should. Alot of those I would think would appear to be of a higher priority,  for example,
Lashon Hora.

The second thing is that  for me sex with the Wife and Masturbation is  very similer.  The only difference is one  I  put the seed on the ground and the other it goes into my wife or does not go in.   But the thoughts and techniques that are used are basically the same.   So this makes it very hard for me to stop.   

Anyways thats  where I stand right now.

I personally would break for a day or two and watch some Free videos, rather than tightrope walking

And the analogy to Lashon hara?
I don't know which websites cater to those problems, but I am aware of a website that guides people to a lust free life free of charge, so why not try succeed at something in the world?

Welcome. Obviously you do want to stop or you would not be posting. Hang around here and you will learn many chidushim; among them you will iyh find out that sex with a spouse and masturbation are worlds apart.