I am a 25yo single who has struggled with porn addiction for as long as i can remember. It's actually been years since I knew I do not have the tools to beat this alone, yet I could not bring myself to actually begin the journey. Hence I have only the deepest respect for every single one of you.
I started watching even before I hit puberty. Since then over the years, I have had some clean streaks but I always relapsed and relapsed hard. More recently, it has once again become a nightly thing. I knew that this was detrimental and in no way a positive outlet, but I also knew I couldn't beat it, so I learned how to live with it. But I also felt I wasnt really living, but rather surviving.
Like, I'm sure, many here I spent years in yeshiva. One can argue I even did well (I have semicha!). However all throughout yeshiva I always felt like the guy in the shmuesin. I would learn etc but I never felt anything. I only kept at it because I was good at it, and it is empowering to do something you are good at. I also didn't really have the guts to go out into the great unknown. Even now, I wake up early before work to learn, but I only do it because it superficially feels good to do something that I am great at.
I even started learning chassidus (should be mandatory in every yeshiva), but while I feel a connection to it, there is a massive block stopping it from really becoming a part of me. It would seem leading to lives that are so diametrically opposed to each other is not conducive.
Throughout the years of my struggle, I slowly realized that yes, I am an addict. I've had moments of inspiration to reach out for help but never really did. Specifically after see i dont like in this TED talk
as well as reading articles on addiction that so vividly explained the battles I had.
I finally joined after hearing David Lichtenstien's podcast. podcast.headlinesbook.com/e/81717-dealing-with-internet-addiction/
While I am positive this is the forum is where I will feel most comfortable, I do have one hesitation/question. I am nervous this forum takes the stand that all secular is assur. (Similar to the way an actual alcoholic views alcohol). However the challenge here is I dont think many of us are looking to go full Meah Shearim and throw the interent out of our lives. Many of us need it for parnassah, or on a deeper level are looking to lead fulfilled lives that raise the secular up. As with the TED talk I linked above, as well as the scientific data, this very community is based off of, there is truly what to be gained from the secular world and the knowledge G-d has given them as well.
Either way, Im excited to start my journey and my way to living rather than surviving.
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Your fear - " I am nervous this forum takes the stand that all secular is assur." Nothing could be further from the truth. Just keep reading and posting.
Your fear - " I am nervous this forum takes the stand that all secular is assur." Nothing could be further from the truth. Just keep reading and posting.
Agreed! Many folks here are very open and agree that it's possible to live with the internet.
I am about your age, also single, have experienced similar issues, and have a similar perspective about uplifting the secular and not throwing it all out. If you want to talk, you can reach me at 202-430-5407 (Google voice number) or at alwaysresilience@gmail.com if you want to talk more. I am by no means perfect, but I have maintained cleanliness for sustained periods of time and have a generally healthy approach. Hopefully we can rise up together and with the rest of the GYE community as well.
....and here I am crawling back. Can barely put a 2 day streak together nowadays. I'm not learning or davening anymore and for the first time in my life started missing tefillin. Feeling empty and alone. Only thing that keeps me alive is when i fantasize of 40 day streaks and hoping Im close enough to rock bottom that i start moving up
....and here I am crawling back. Can barely put a 2 day streak together nowadays. I'm not learning or davening anymore and for the first time in my life started missing tefillin. Feeling empty and alone. Only thing that keeps me alive is when i fantasize of 40 day streaks and hoping Im close enough to rock bottom that i start moving up
"...Memamkim kerasicha Hashem"
hi avos ,welcome , im sorry to hear about your missing davening ,learning ,tefillin ,if your missing these things is because you feel ,how could i put on such holy tefillin on such a tamei body , say hello to your yetzer hara because thats his suggestions ,HASHEM WANTS YOUR TEFILLIN EVERY DAY , DONT MISS ANYMORE ,YOU MAKE HASHEM HAPPY EVEN WHEN A PERSON LIKE YOU (AND ME) PUT ON TEFILLIN EVERYDAY DONT MISS ANOTHER DAY!!and the same goes with your davening AND learning ,its bad enough that we listen to the yetzer to look at what we shouldnt , lets not listen to him when he trys to steal our mitzvos too, YISROEL ,AF AL PI SHECHATA ,YISROEL HU!!!- A JEW EVEN THOUGH HE SINS IS STILL A JEW!!! unfortunatly if we dont do Teshuva before we die , we might have to spend some time in hospital in gehinom to clean our Neshamos , but there will be an end , 12 months , but for ONE mitzva ,ONE word of Torah ,Tefila,there is eternal sechar that will never ever end, EVEN for a sinner .tell yourself ,i may have watched ,looked ,etc... BUT IM A YID!! MY MITZVOS ARE STILL MITZVOS!!my yetzer hara is telling me how can your mitzvos be mitzvos ,your such a contradiction! and if i spoke lashon hara my mitzvos are not mitzvos ?! of course they are still mitzvos, and if i look at not nice things etc.... same thing!please be mechazek yourself! your falling in internet ok ,but in everything else keep it up ,its not a contradiction, we have ayetzer hara , thats all ,your an erliche yid with a yetzer hara for something that is terribly easily accesible! thats all ! ! of course you have to work on it ,stay with gye ,its your lifeline ! one more thing ,Rav Pam ZTL said this(heard from Rabbi Zev Smith Shlita ) in the early 1900s a yid , a cohen did not" duchan "in shul on yomtov, the Rabbi asked him why dont you "duchan"? answered the cohen ,after davening these hands are going to be mechallel shabbos and yomtov at work how can these hands duchan? answered the Rabbi ,no look at it this way ,keep on duchaning,and ask yourself ,how can such hands that duchaned , be mechallel Shabbos?same too with for example Tefillin dont say how can such an impure body wear Teffilin , no, keep on wearing Teffilin and say , how can a body that put on Teffillin look at something thats so impure etc...Avos, KOD!! Keep On Duchaning!! hatzlacha , its so nice to meet you.
לב טהור ברא לי אלקים , ורוח נכון חדש בקרבי
to all my friends who heeded my request to be so generousand give me a negative karma for the sake of me acquiring . humility ,i humbly thank you
Life is great! Life is tough! Gevaldig tzu zien a Yid. Shver tzu zein a Yid.
A great man once said “Life is a highway”, but if it is its a G-d damn curvy one. Perhaps like a scenic one. During the daytime its wonderful, beautiful and bright. Around every curve is a new delight, maybe a new view of what you thought you already saw. The horizons seem endless and and you can see clearly to the end of the world. And oh the sunset. Sunset compels you STOP and just bask it in.
But then night comes. The road is dark and you can only see as far as our own headlights. The amazing curves turn treachous even naseous, and you get lost and scared. We drive focusing and the road ahead of us, but very quickly find ourselves (back) in the Lo Tov. If you’re lucky someone something will materialize out of the darkness, turn you around and point you in the back in the right direction. A spark of inspiration. But it will only last a moment and may even be painful. Then darkness once again.
Such is life. Such is life. Gevaldig and Shver. Moments of clarity followed by long nights. At the ohel I can see clearly, I know what and how to accomplish and be bright. Then in bed I sink back to the tayva. Helplessly, I just go. Eat. Sleep. Pray. Drown.
I know the Avos5:20 I want to be, but can’t face the Avos5:20 I am. Addict.
“Until I face my addiction, AND DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT, I cannot and will not be the Avos5:20 G-d intended.”
“Porn is Lo Tov, Porn is Lo Tov AND HAS CONSEQUENCES!!”
But but but. The policeman are there. All it takes is action and commitment and one can be healthy. The road is long and hard but has been traveled by many before you. CONSTANT VIGILENCE!! Not only now, but tonight too.
MY PUBLIC KABBALAH: Post on the forums twice a week for a month. Open the forums nightly.
May we all find the bueatiful scenic road where it is only day.
