Hi, I'm Dovid and joined GYE tonight. I'm looking around the site, but wanted to say hello at the forum. I'm not sure everyone here has the same struggle I do (not sure if that makes a difference or not in trying to help me), but my struggle (I think) is from my behavior as an adolescent. Even though today I don't act like that anymore, the desires I have are still just as strong (if not stronger), and the smallest thing can cause a bad thought to pop in my head and trigger me. Once I'm triggered, things will spiral out of control quickly unless I can physically stop and remove myself from what's triggering me. This isn't always so easy - if I'm feeling good about myself, then most likely I can do it. But when I'm feeling little down, its hard to fight back. After a minute or two of being triggered, my body crosses a point it can't come back from. If my wife is mutar to me, I could hold out - but if she's asur, I'm dead meat - unless I can somehow pull myself back and cool myself down. If I'm nichshol (and I have been, r"l) my life becomes such a gehinom of depression, guilt, and feeling hopeless. By joining GYE, I hope to somehow solve my problem, which seems almost impossible.

Welcome brother

We were all in the depression guilt  and hopelessness that you are. It feels impossible, but actually recovery is right here right now. 

Please the "solutions" page in the spoiler below. It may take 5 minutes of discomfort taking on a tool that's gonna work for you e.g. meeting Captain Kirk - yourself truly - see dov quotes ;-)

You decide if it's worth the investment 

Welcome!  You are in the right place.  Your feelings and experiences are very common here.  The site can be overwhelming.  Be patient.  Check out the handbook.  Keep posting.  You are among friends.

Hi.I think we all know the feeling.its awful.
but recovery is truly wonderful.
Looking back it's one of the greatest gifts IV been given (and am still being given)

Welcome! Keep posting 

Welcome
Thats the place to be with these feelings. I was also there, today B.H. feeling better through the website and other help i took. If you are ready for a change for the better, invest some time and read through some of the forums, very impressive what goes on in there.