Hi, my name starts with S. and I'm hardly ever online. I've never touched porn, yet I still have an addiction.

It began when I was a child; I didn't have any of the natural repulsion to girls that boys have, and it did not help when I reached puberty. I would fantasize and first acted out as a result of thinking inappropriate thoughts right after I turned eighteen.

My issue continued to develop over the next seven years. When I spent the year in Israel for Yeshiva a little over a year ago, I volunteered part-time and found myself working in a primarily female environment for the first time. That, combined with the foam rubber mattresses I slept on in Israel, resulted in my playing with myself and acting out every time I slept - sometimes upon both going to bed and waking up. When I would eat over at other people's houses in Israel, I found their little daughters to be very trusting - sometimes sitting on my lap and hugging me. That did not help in the slightest.

When I returned to New York, my problem grew and grew. I happen to be one of the few people able to meet others - including women - and be friendly with them on NYC public transit. I joined SA after my first time hugging and kissing a grown woman outside of my immediate family, and I've been working on it ever since. It's an uphill battle, but I'm not giving up.

I pray very often that G-d give me strength.

How old are you?

Do you plan to meet a woman to get married to?

It may be that you do not have such a problem.

I am not writing that acting out every night is healthy or halachic, but that if you are in your early 20's then try to find a wife.

Instead of being angry at yourself for natural feelings, why not channel them into marriage?

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I don't feel angry at myself for having these feelings. I know that they are natural feelings to have, but having them to the point of obsession, and using it as an escape from reality, is quite another thing. The people at SA told me that acting out compulsively is just as bad as using drugs compulsively because both result in a release of dopamine in the brain. Before I get married, I will have to get my lust under control, otherwise it may do me more harm than good. Especially if I start using my wife for lust - I've heard horror stories from people in SA who are in that situation and are almost completely controlled by their wives.

I also noticed that when I joined SA, none of the people who were about as mild in their sexaholism as I was had doubts about my joining the program. It was people who were downright wrecks who thought I didn't belong there; perhaps they decided to object because of underlying feelings of guilt for not having nipped their problem in the bud like I was doing.

And yes, I did talk it over with my rabbi. He knows my situation

JewishYoungAdult wrote on 10 Jul 2017 19:52:

Welcome brother 

Awesome going!!

Welcome 
Nice to have you on board. Look around we are all struggling the same and GYE is a great outlet.

OK, I understand.

Welcome!  It sounds like you are on the right track.  Keep at it.  Keep posting. And NEVER EVER GIVE UP!  I wish you all the best.  Check out the dov quotes link in my signature.