I joined the 90 day challenge 12 days ago and B"H, I'm still doing well. I actually joined GYE last August and then participated in 2 phone conferences (SSA and Dov's 12 steps). Had been doing well until a few months ago when I fell back to my old ways of chronic masturbation and internet porn/shmutz. Two weeks ago at work I was watching a shmutz movie and suddenly I felt a hand tapping me on my shoulder. I prayed that it not be my boss (who recently told me that I'm constantly on the internet instead of doing my work). B"H, it was someone who volunteers for us. It served as a wake up call that my life was out of control. During my 90 day challenge I've taken on to not look at any internet sites at work other than what I need. Just being freed up from my constant internet buying has allowed me to be so much more focused both at work and beyond. I've been using the mikveh each morning as it allows me to set my standards high to remain tahor for the rest of the day. I've also been really working on shmiras einayim. I also am reviewing another cycle of SSA conference calls.I am married with children. Look forward to hearing from other GYE travelers for mutual support and chizuk.

Welcome. Sounds like you are bh doing great and can help a lot of us! Super idea to cut out the internet across the boards other than for work. Hashem should bench you with hatzlocha!

humblewarrior wrote on 10 Jul 2017 00:07:

Welcome humbly!!

Theres others here that resonate with SSA.
I hope the faucet of the shoulder tap gets  cured soon ;-)

Many thanks for replying to my intro posting yesterday. Part of my issue has been the feeling of isolation so I decided to "jump in" and reach out to my fellow GYE travelers. Thanks for reaching out to me and giving me the welcome that you did. I hope to do the same for those intros that I spot after mine. Tizku l'mitzvos!

Amen to your bracha and a huge thank-you for reaching out to me. Part of my issue with my struggle has been my sense of isolation so I decided to "jump in" and reach out to my fellow GYE travelers. So great to know that there are people like yourself who have reached out to me, I hope to do the same when I see a new intro after mine. B"H, you've got an impressive streak of staying clean, can I ask how did you manage that (what's worked for you). My best to you for continued hatzlacha one day at a time!

GYE has done us an incredible chessed by giving us a vehicle to share with others. Instead of looking at myself as a rotten evil hypocritical loser, I now look at myself as part of a very special chevra who through their/our struggle will pass this last test golus has thrown at us, and iyh bring moshiach. And now you are part of the family too.

Yes, I know what you mean about the pitfalls of living in isolation even when one is on the road to recovery. To me the chevra makes all the difference, for one thing it allows me to get "out of my head" and see myself in the context of an incredible journey where I am part of an inspiring community. And being part of that community doesn't come without responsibilities as newer, weaker members might be looking to us to give them the support that they need to keep going. So thank you for welcoming me into this very special family, I hope to be a productive member!

humblewarrior

does using the mikveh make you feel any different from not using it?
Or is it more of a reminder to stay Tahor?

This may sound harsh but for me getting "out of my own head," connecting and sharing with other people doesnt mean sitting behind my computer posting on a forum in a virtual universe so very far to the universe i truly live in. 

I didnt start getting out of my head until i told my rebbe about my issues, calling program members, meeting other program members. Thats when i started connecting to real people in a real way which was replacing the fake connection that i felt when i masturbated, fantasizing or looking at women. I am finally starting to feel relief from all the guilt, fear, resentment and lust (yes lust) that was plaguing me for so long and stuck inside my head!

Yes, the mkivah use is a reminder to stay tahor but it's more than that. I'm starting to really pay attention to shmiras einayim. I work at a coed college and during the day I jog around campus and also work out at its gym. So I'm "in training" to keep my eyes where they need to be. Each morning is a new gift from HaShem and I want to "give it my best shot". So the mikvah is the ultimate re-set button for me, allowing me to see myself as clean and empty as I was as the day I was born. It allows me to focus on this state and helps me to work on putting my ego to the side to free up space for HaShem to enter and take over. Don't be too impressed, am just, just starting this ego work, have a long ways to go!! Hatzlacha and bracha to you my chaver!

Jogging around campus and working out in the gym seem like playing with fire to me.

I'm not discounting what you're saying. I've gotten really good about diverting my eyes down to the ground both with jogging and at the gym. It's almost become this little "game" for me. In addition, I don't wear my eye glasses when doings these activities to help see less clearly. Makes for a bit of frustration at the gym when I'm trying to adjust the weights on the exercise machines but it's worth the effort. In addition, most of my "gym days" have me working out on the gymnastics rings which is tucked away in a far off corner all on its own. If I see that there are women in this area, then I don't go. I do plan to be following up with my rav about this and this is one of the things I plan to ask about. Ultimately it's finding out what HaShem wants us to do.

Posted a reply earlier but wanted to add perhaps a bit of irony that my own journey is one of struggling with same-sex attraction (SSA) so things like jogging and going to a co-ed gym represents an odd set of challenges. On the one hand, I do not feel any tayvah from the women that I may encounter (but again work diligently to divert my eyes) but also have to deal with recognizing that sometimes I might be triggered by some of the guys I encounter and have to process that as well. B"H, have found that the GYE resources for that have been really helpful, especially a weekly SSA conference call. So I'm finding that my fantasizing and lust have gone down. And it's been so helpful to have a loving and supportive wife with whom I've been totally open.

I wish you all the best.  It sounds like you are really working on it.

I really appreciate your support. Yes, I am working and B"H, it's been a tremendous experience just knowing that I'm moving in the direction that HaShem wants for me. What's been most significant is my recent exposure to the 12-step program and really tapping into it's power. I find many addictive qualities to my acting out behaviors and the 12 step program seems to provide a recipe for success with Life, not just with lust. Once again, appreciate your support!