Phill Up wrote on 02 Jul 2017 21:12:
Hello GYE community, my name is Phill. I am in my mid-twenties, am single, and struggle with lust.
For the most part, life has been excellent. I've done well in Yeshiva and school, I have a great family, and wonderful friends. My friends and family think highly of me, but they have no clue that I struggle with lust. I discovered masturbation when I was about 11, and would do so quite often- sometimes multiple times a day and other times multiple times per week. The masturbation continued throughout high school. While I dormed and did not have internet access in Yeshiva, I would often look at inappropriate pictures on the web when I would come home every few weeks for an Out-Shabbos. There were times where I stopped for a while. I did not masturbate throughout almost my entire 11th grade. Also, when I left for Eretz Yisroel for my first two years of Bais Medresh, I never masturbated or viewed inappropriate material there, though I did occasionally when I went home Bein HaZmanim.
However, when I came back to America and got a smartphone and laptop, the struggle became much more difficult. I started viewing more inappropriate pictures and articles. Unfortunately, this started becoming porn a few months ago. While the falls didn't happen every day, they would happen every few days or once a week. Despite my achievements in Yeshiva and school, I've felt like I am leading a double life. I always get back up and set the filter to block what I've done. While I have added monitoring and filtering (my phone is now whitelisted and a lot of sites are blocked on my computer) and there have been times I've made it over a month without falling, I've kept on falling. After a particularly horrible fall last night, I felt that I got to be more active. While I do have one friend who I has guided me (I had no idea until he mentioned it in conversation once and he told me of his own struggles), I have gone through this mostly alone. I am looking to work with everyone here, one day at a time, so that we can overcome this challenge together and become better people through our collective nisayon.
I know that there are going to be many times where I feel like throwing in the towel. However, I know that real change comes through constant chizuk and resilience, no matter how difficult this uphill battle is. I look forward to succeeding one day at a time together with the entire GYE community. If anyone has any pointers, please feel free to share them. Thank you and Hatzlacha Rabba to all!
Very well written and expressive. And you used proper grammar and punctuation! Good for you. I relate a lot to the double-life part. That was the catalyst that got me into recovery. Keep on posting and showing up. There's what to learn from this site.
God bless.
