Hi,

I am a happily married 27 year old professional with 2 beautiful kids, I love them all dearly. I always thought I wouldn't need to confront my problem in this way but I feel that I have had too many failed 'new beginnings' to not take extra measures such as joining GYE even being the sceptic I am for the whole 'therapy' (for use of a better word) route. 

When I was single and during teens, I went though stages of watching porn freely and acting out before feeling mildly guilty and down. 

Since marriage, I have completely stopped acting out and have set router and device filters but sometimes (when bored or working late) tempt myself into innocently searching an innappropriate term having in mind 'the filter will probably block it' or 'YouTube has probabily blocked this', secretly hoping that I find a video which has escaped the net which when I do eventually find, use the rationale that I have done my hishtadlus up to this point and will watch as a one off. I also see women inappropriately dressed in the gym, work and street and look for longer than I should at times. I also watch movies and series on Netflix etc and don't turn away for the dodgy parts, sometimes even davka skipping to these scenes.I have a decent job and exercise regularly but am always chasing stimulation whether through watching YouTube clips or procrastinating in other ways. My concentration span is short and I find it hard to sit down and learn for more than 5 minutes. I have always wanted to grow in learning and knowledge, eventually making my house an island from the nasty world outside. I have been pushing off becoming the yid I want to be for years, taking baby steps and doing lots of good in the meantime, but not quite committing fully.  

Ultimately, I know that there will be no good that comes from this viewing/looking, but am happy for the yetzer horah to lead me from watching something innocent to full blown porn. I know it's wrong and makes me feel rubbish and also stops me from reaching my goals in yidddishkeit. I want to be able to sit at the Shabbos table on Friday night after a week of solid learning in both Gemara and Chumash, getting up for shacharis with a minyan and making the most of the life G-d has given me. Right now I feel like an ungrateful recipient of all Hashem's greatest gifts, happy to throw it all away for a 20 second clip that I don't really enjoy, a look at a passing woman when I have an even better looking one as my wife or a fantasy when trying to sleep that will make me feel disgusted with myself.Improved filters etc are an obvious part of the solution, but I know that I will always be able to find a way round them if it came to it. 
I hope that being a part of GYE will be the difference between me 'clicking' or looking when I have the opportunity.

We have lots in common!

Dailybattle wrote:


You have an oppurtunity to 'click' the spoiler below ;-)

Welcome,

My humble opinion is that GYE forum is not good for you. Here, we are mainly addicts of some sort or another deeply rooted in our behaviors. We have people that have been in recovery for years, some less than that and some not at all. Most of us are dealin' with porn and masturbation and perhaps even more than that.

Part of recovery for us is to guard our eyes and there is chizuk for that on the forum and in the emails and elsewhere, but primarily, w are dealing with these things on a much more open manner, and for many, it is a deep psychological issue, which we deal with as well.

You seem like a fellow that likes the shape of a nice lookin' woman, sneaks a peek at some extra skin or cleavage here and there and one who is not learnin' or davanin' up to par and therefore lacks the true connection with the ribbono shel olam.

My humble advice: speak to your rav and discuss which mussar sefer to start with and which gemora seder/shiur you should join.

No need to listen to me; I am a mere lustaholic. If you stick around, I certainly will engage you and try to answer all your questions.

B'hatzlachah

Hi Cordnoy,

I appreciate the honest advice in your reply and do take the point that I am not divulging much of the 'dirty details' in my battle. However, although I don't masterbate and constantly watch the worst on the web, I do watch porn (in an addictive manner when I do, spending hours trying to get round filters etc) and that is a problem that is affecting me enough to come to the space that is GYE as I don't want to confront the problem with a Rabbi or Sefer etc ( whether I should take that route or not is immaterial, I have chosen to use GYE as it is as far as my comfort zone for this matter stretches). 

How bad does my problem need to be to qualify? I am not being sarcastic; I genuinely want to know if my issue belongs here or if I'm wasting my time. 

Many thanks. 

Welcome!

First of all, I bless you with finding the success that you seek. Cordnoy means well and is trying to help. That said, I don't consider myself a lustaholic and have grown tremendously from this forum. 


You wrote


If I can respectfully challenge that, I'd like to propose the following: that 20 second clip that you don't really enjoy, part of you really does enjoy. There's a physical pleasure that is very enjoyable in that 20 second clip (which, I'm guessing, usually end up leading to more than a 20 second clip). Secondly, while I don't know you, let's assume that your wife is gorgeous. That she's a "10". If you pass a woman in the street who's a "10" you might convince yourself up to look "righteously", just so you can be sure that your wife is truly more beautiful. On the hand, let's assume that your wife is pretty, but not the most beautiful woman in the world. There are going to be woman out there that are prettier (This can't be proven, nor denied, since beauty is subjective), no matter how much you say to yourself that your wife is (or "should be") prettier. 

My point is, instead of trying to persuade yourself of something that isn't necessarily the truth, look at your feelings in the eye. On the heat of the moment, you can easily rationalize how much pleasure you're getting from a 20 second clip or how have this woman is prettier, "lemme just make sure". Don't deny your feelings or lessen them. This may help you face them with more strength. For example, yes there is pleasure in watching this clip/checking her out, but even so (find a solid counter argument).

With regards to the attention span, do you watch tv shows/or movies? These train people to have short attention spans.

We have made progress.

YouYou do watch porn.

Do you masturbate?

Hi,

I thank you for your insightful post!

Regarding your first point; I do enjoy the watching in the moment. However, I was speaking from the perspective of after watching in which time I am totally unsatisfied. 

In in response to your second point, I don't pretend to look at women with the rationalisation of comparing to my wife; I am looking out of lust alone. I agree that having an attractive wife doesn't make one blind to others (even much less attractive) and I wasn't in denial of this in my original post. 


I am not in denial, rather in a position where I am almost robotically trying to look at filth even though I know I will regret it straight away and take 0 pleasure AFTER indulging.

And yes I know about the effects of watching films etc but I enjoy too much and don't feel guilty enough to stop. 

i hope that makes sense. 

Hi,

please re-read my original post where I state that I do watch and don't masterbate. 
Many thanks

Dailybattle wrote on 29 May 2017 14:33:

II actually did reread it, but it wasn't clear to me.

That's nice. Porn without masturbation. How do you do that?

Mr. BB,

I just reread two of your threads in their entirety, perhaps I missed a post or two, but I'm curious: you write here that your are not a lustaholic and I respect that. Can you define what you are/were, or at least the tendencies?

My definition of a lustaholic: someone (myself) who lusts (and enjoys it) at any time (look at women, wanna see more on comp and click, urges with wife, notice my organ throughout the day, etc.). I have been like that for years and still am. I used to act upon my lust and cravin's; now, I do not.

Thank you for givin' me that opportunity.

With difficulty. 

Welcome. You should have lots of hatzlocha. Would you mind sharing what you credit that you are in control and dont masturbate? Did you never do it? Or did you somehow regain control? Maybe you can share some advice for the chevra here.

Thank you and may you also have hatzlocha.When I got married, I drew a line not to masterbate and I have only fallen once which was in the first year of several so. Although I do have huge urges to masterbate while watching porn, I somehow restrain myself by thinking of how severe the sin is and making it the one part I have control over. I wouldn't be able to do this if I was still single. Another reason I am restrained is because I don't watch porn just to watch the sex part.  The attraction for me is the buildup and story beforehand which makes the sex part enjoyable. I don't really get attracted watching a sex act clip without a story etc. Maybe I am wired differently to you guys but for me it's all about the fantasy and not just seeing sex to give me a high during masterbation. Again, I don't watch porn often (I fall maybe once a month for a few days, sometimes many months) and I have made it very difficult for myself to access these websites but when I have a craving I find a way.I hope I haven't gone into inappropriate detail and if I apologise if I have.What part of watching porn keeps you going back?

I'm not here to diminish or make lite the challenges you overcome by not masturbating or not watching porn, I'm just trying to give chizuk ( and to vent )
 I've started masturbating about 12 years ago, it felt good, I didn't even know it was bad at all, I thought it was like a regular kind pleasure sort of like a message (except a little more embarrassing and private).
 before I learnt that it was bad, I was addicted, since then my "clean steak" did not reach 17 days.
(recently I almost beat it but I feel at day 16, I was so embarrassed and frustrated that I didn't want to "reset" the 90 day chart, I gave up, and when I finally got back into it, I was still to embarrassed to say that I failed again, so I said I was still clean, and I got a 30 day clean award)
 I am starting again on the forums 3 fails since almost beat my record and 3 days clean.
all I am asking of you is that you dont get down on yourself by thinking that your fight is unbeatable, because if you're fight is unbeatable then I got major issues, but for every fight you win gives me (yes, me, selfish me) chizuk knowing that I still got a chance
 (sorry if I'm being selfish, I just want to start over strong)

Dailybattle wrote on 29 May 2017 14:32:

Your reply definitely makes sense, Ty.

Cords, I'll try to answer your question later.