Bear, stress is a big trigger for all of us. Sometimes we cant just take care of an issue. One may have bills to pay but no money, or one may have to get involved in something going on in their child's school issue but rebbi/teacher/principal are not available right then. You have to find other ways of relieving stress until the issue can be dealt with. Personally i find exercising works. There are other options. Have a plan for whatever works for you. Dont be caught with stress unprepared. Hatzlocha.

Hashem Help Me wrote on 19 Jun 2017 11:20:

Thank you, your point is well taken.   

Stress and tiredness are probably the two biggest triggers for most of us. I am learning with my thereapist now, how to handle stress or how to make sure stress does not affect me anymore or for sure less powerfull - it all goes together with self esteem. If you work on your self esteem then automatically less things will stress you.

bear wrote on 06 Jun 2017 03:26:

I would like to ask a personal question you can also pm me the answer. Are you in recovery because you want or did someone else push you?
My experience showed my that as long as i did it because my wife wanted me to, i had a fall or slip every few weeks - it also happened before i set this profile. Since i started wanting recovery myself because it feels good not to act our, not to feel obliged to have a second look - because we want to be free - i don't to be a slave to my desires. Once i put that in my head that I really want to recover from that day on it looked totally different, because then i was more careful as if i fall i fall for me, otherwise if i do it for my wife - then i can have excuses like she stressed me, she anyway gave up with me etc. 

My experience is that true recovery can only come from within.

getthere wrote on 23 Jun 2017 07:52:

Thanks for the post Getthere.

I think I am dealing with this issue because of myself.  I think only one person knows I struggle with this, a friend of mine that I opened up to. What you are saying makes a lot of sense, that if I do something for an external reason than if that external reason goes away, I have no reason to stay clean. But now I am also confused why when I get upset at people do I get triggered to look at stuff to "show them", if my drive to stay clean is an internal one?

Maybe my battle is not as internal as I would like to have thought. Maybe I am not doing it for myself but rather so I do not get caught, or so I do not hurt people down the road. The truth is the only time I really get the "ill show them" mentality is when I get in a fight with my parents. Could be I am trying to stop just so they do not find out, but when I get in a fight with them im sort of like I do not care. Could also be I watch assuming they will never know I did, but the knowing that they will extremely disprove if they knew gives me satisfaction, and it is sort of my way of "rebelling" or "showing them". 

Though the honest truth is, I really think I am fighting for myself. And this sort of scares me, if I am fighting for myself why have I had so many falls? I guess, when I get stressed and frustrated, especially because of someone else, I rationalize to myself that I am not to blame, I am an "ones", and rather it is thier fault if I act out. Could also be my anger lets my yetzer harah tell me that watching will "show them" and my anger gets the stronger pull over my rational thoughts. 


​I am well aware that my post sounds extremely immature, but hey I am immature, and I am just trying to give an honest post.

getthere wrote on 23 Jun 2017 07:43:

Could you please explain how it works that building your self esteem will lower stress.
Thanks

A good post

And the answer may be that your upbringing with your parents could be a bigger part of the problem than lust which is a solution you run to due to the problems...

Is that possible?

bear wrote on 25 Jun 2017 03:40:

I used to masturbate as an "I'll show them." It doesn't mean that you aren't trying to stay clean internally. It just means you have some character defects. Big woop. We all do. When I have inconsistencies in my life, usually one of them is a character defect. And I'm ok with that, because I'm working on myself and the results will come when they are supposed to. Right now I'm putting in a strong effort and that's all I can expect.

Markz wrote on 25 Jun 2017 03:49:

Wow Markz your fast!
You read it even before i deleted the part about my upbringing. I deleted it because I thought it sounded like I was putting too much blame on my parents and Judaism when it was not either of their faults, rather I was just in an environment that took things way past what is required and made some stuff up as they go.which makes me feel like I missed out in a lot of stuff, some stuff was for good reason, but what really bugs me is the stuff that I missed out on because of stuff that was not required . And ya you are probably right my upbringing is probably a bigger factor than I realized. ( I think what really highlighted this, is that I deleted the part of my post about my upbringing even before I read your response.)  The truth is I hear what you are saying my upbringing could be part of what causes my lust problems, though a lot of it is also probably due to me messing up. 
Though wondering, if your right that my upbringing is part of problem, than what do i do now? 

Thanks for the post Markz

Therapy

Hey guys, thanks for all the posts.
I was thinking things over. I think my last couple posts were more because I was frustrated and stressed with school tests and other stuff, and I do not have a real issue with my upbringing. My parents are awesome, I have great Rabbiem, were a couple of hard stuff along the way; but i just need to get over the hard stuff. I think my reall issue is I have been overworked and stressed the last couple months. Went swimming today and feel a lot better. I think my real issue is I need to do something fun more than once every couple of months and need to get better at living life and having a good time while dealing with stress and being overworked simultaneously.

 On Monday night i fell. I did not just fall, I was taken captive tell early Tuesday Morning. I fell for the trap, my sisters' Ipod without a filter. 

I try not to use dangerous weapons, but right now I am at war. I was therefore forced to launch a Taphsic against the Ipod. I pray my Taphsic will strike the target head on, and not have any collateral  damage. 

I was being chased by many powerful enemies- anger, stress, frustration, disappointment, loneliness, boredom, and others. I found myself running to what I thought was an escape.... but it was a trap. The Ipod did take me away from the enemies that were pursuing me. But instead of running from enemies, I myself was now transformed into my own enemy.

So how are you going to work on getting freedom from those powerful enemies, without running away from them?