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MY PATH TO SANITY
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TOPIC: MY PATH TO SANITY 45125 Views

Re: MY PATH TO SANITY 14 May 2018 04:16 #331032

  • i-man
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I had a similar scenario a few weeks ago, I deliberated and determined as follows : The 90 day chart is a tool ( not necessarily effective for some but very effective for others,  as well as in differant ways) to help me stay clean - it really can only work with self honesty , in fact any path on this road requires self honesty,  with that being said even if I am leaning more toward it being considered a fall  , knowing myself I know that I strongly risk going all the way down if I have to restart the count, that would kind of be me  using this tool against myself ! 
Hatzlacha keep ROARING  

Re: MY PATH TO SANITY 14 May 2018 11:19 #331037

  • lionking
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I fell last night. I'm so embarrassed to report this, however I committed to being honest and report everything.
My email address is: growinghigher613@gmail.com

Re: MY PATH TO SANITY 14 May 2018 12:12 #331039

  • Markz
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lionking wrote on 14 May 2018 11:19:
I fell last night. I'm so embarrassed to report this, however I committed to being honest and report everything.

Thanks for the post. It must have been hard. 

But I assure you, you didn't report everything.
What's going on with you brother?
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Re: MY PATH TO SANITY 14 May 2018 13:09 #331043

  • lionking
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Markz, I didn't mean "everything" as in every aspect of my life, I meant to write "everytime".

I don't understand myself, Just as a person who is sensitive to a certain allergen knows he must avoid it at all costs, and if he does get exposed to it, he must take his medication to prevent an attack.
Why is it so hard for me to understand that my bad moods are bad for me, If I do have them, I need to take necessary measures so that they don't flare up as a fall?

I didn't sleep well Motzie Shabbos, (not like I ever sleep well, I mean worse than normal...) Was extremely tired and grumpy all Sunday. Had a ton of projects to complete and barely got anything done. I was feeling like a failure. I got nervous with my wife and kids. My Chavrusa canceled on me. I was too tired to even notice all these feelings. Last night I just got this urge to look at porn. My phone was blocked so I couldn't access any sites. I remembered last weeks slip and decided to see if I access more. That app officially blocks adult content, however there is always something slipping through the cracks. I ended up finding some photography magazines and masturbated to that.
I need to disable access to this app.

I feel so bad about it. I think this is the first time in a while where I felt real regret after acting out. 

I know I can't wallow in despair, that will only cause me to act out more. I am moving forward.
My email address is: growinghigher613@gmail.com

Re: MY PATH TO SANITY 14 May 2018 14:39 #331046

  • Markz
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lionking wrote on 14 May 2018 13:09:
Markz, I didn't mean "everything" as in every aspect of my life, I meant to write "everytime".

I don't understand myself, Just as a person who is sensitive to a certain allergen knows he must avoid it at all costs, and if he does get exposed to it, he must take his medication to prevent an attack.
Why is it so hard for me to understand that my bad moods are bad for me, If I do have them, I need to take necessary measures so that they don't flare up as a fall?

I didn't sleep well Motzie Shabbos, (not like I ever sleep well, I mean worse than normal...) Was extremely tired and grumpy all Sunday. Had a ton of projects to complete and barely got anything done. I was feeling like a failure. I got nervous with my wife and kids. My Chavrusa canceled on me. I was too tired to even notice all these feelings. Last night I just got this urge to look at porn. My phone was blocked so I couldn't access any sites. I remembered last weeks slip and decided to see if I access more. That app officially blocks adult content, however there is always something slipping through the cracks. I ended up finding some photography magazines and masturbated to that.
I need to disable access to this app.

I feel so bad about it. I think this is the first time in a while where I felt real regret after acting out. 

I know I can't wallow in despair, that will only cause me to act out more. I am moving forward.

So, you are playing the 'kill-the-app' game. I hear.

I was talking to WG last night and one of the things mentioned is that I prefer to play
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Re: MY PATH TO SANITY 14 May 2018 16:19 #331047

  • cordnoy
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Markz wrote on 14 May 2018 14:39:

lionking wrote on 14 May 2018 13:09:
Markz, I didn't mean "everything" as in every aspect of my life, I meant to write "everytime".

I don't understand myself, Just as a person who is sensitive to a certain allergen knows he must avoid it at all costs, and if he does get exposed to it, he must take his medication to prevent an attack.
Why is it so hard for me to understand that my bad moods are bad for me, If I do have them, I need to take necessary measures so that they don't flare up as a fall?

I didn't sleep well Motzie Shabbos, (not like I ever sleep well, I mean worse than normal...) Was extremely tired and grumpy all Sunday. Had a ton of projects to complete and barely got anything done. I was feeling like a failure. I got nervous with my wife and kids. My Chavrusa canceled on me. I was too tired to even notice all these feelings. Last night I just got this urge to look at porn. My phone was blocked so I couldn't access any sites. I remembered last weeks slip and decided to see if I access more. That app officially blocks adult content, however there is always something slipping through the cracks. I ended up finding some photography magazines and masturbated to that.
I need to disable access to this app.

I feel so bad about it. I think this is the first time in a while where I felt real regret after acting out. 

I know I can't wallow in despair, that will only cause me to act out more. I am moving forward.

So, you are playing the 'kill-the-app' game. I hear.

I was talking to WG last night and one of the things mentioned is that I prefer to play

The game of life can include the occasional killin' of a sneaky intruder.

One who leaves his front door wide open will attract many undesirables.
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads:
GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
"Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
"The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: MY PATH TO SANITY 15 May 2018 02:52 #331064

cordnoy wrote on 14 May 2018 16:19:

Markz wrote on 14 May 2018 14:39:

lionking wrote on 14 May 2018 13:09:
Markz, I didn't mean "everything" as in every aspect of my life, I meant to write "everytime".

I don't understand myself, Just as a person who is sensitive to a certain allergen knows he must avoid it at all costs, and if he does get exposed to it, he must take his medication to prevent an attack.
Why is it so hard for me to understand that my bad moods are bad for me, If I do have them, I need to take necessary measures so that they don't flare up as a fall?

I didn't sleep well Motzie Shabbos, (not like I ever sleep well, I mean worse than normal...) Was extremely tired and grumpy all Sunday. Had a ton of projects to complete and barely got anything done. I was feeling like a failure. I got nervous with my wife and kids. My Chavrusa canceled on me. I was too tired to even notice all these feelings. Last night I just got this urge to look at porn. My phone was blocked so I couldn't access any sites. I remembered last weeks slip and decided to see if I access more. That app officially blocks adult content, however there is always something slipping through the cracks. I ended up finding some photography magazines and masturbated to that.
I need to disable access to this app.

I feel so bad about it. I think this is the first time in a while where I felt real regret after acting out. 

I know I can't wallow in despair, that will only cause me to act out more. I am moving forward.

So, you are playing the 'kill-the-app' game. I hear.

I was talking to WG last night and one of the things mentioned is that I prefer to play

The game of life can include the occasional killin' of a sneaky intruder.

One who leaves his front door wide open will attract many undesirables.

Each person needs to figure out what's right for them at the current time. In the past, app-killing was helpful for me. Then it just wasn't.

So now the only filter I have is for my air conditioning. Actually, I lied. I don't have AC  

Re: MY PATH TO SANITY 15 May 2018 10:16 #331074

  • lionking
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I'm not going to get in to a discussion whether filters are helpful or not. It is an extremely personal question which requires shikul hadaas and qualified outside opinion to make such a decision.

In general, the consensus of the Rabbonim is that filters are required. There is a lot of exceptions to the rule, however one should speak to a Rebbe, Mentor, Therapist, or Sponsor before making such a decision.

Personally I find that filters are not helpful for me. However I don't view it as filtering or restricting, rather I view it as not having easy access. Not leaving any open bottles around for me to grab while I am drunk. 

For example, in the past I had a filter on the browser. I was constantly trying to break out and I was (un)successful. It was a constant cat and the mouse chase. Now I don't have a browser installed on my phone. I have my 300 something apps for all my needs and that is it. (Thank God, GYE has an app!)
:pinch: Warning: Spoiler!
99.9 percent everything is fine. 

Again everyone should do what works for them.
My email address is: growinghigher613@gmail.com

Re: MY PATH TO SANITY 16 May 2018 02:14 #331112

  • lionking
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This month's feature article in PC Magazine talks about tech addiction. Sharing it here for anyone who is interested in reading it.

I put it in a spoiler so not to hog the recent posts and for those that don't want to read secular magazines.
:pinch: Warning: Spoiler!
My email address is: growinghigher613@gmail.com

Re: MY PATH TO SANITY 16 May 2018 21:28 #331128

lionking wrote on 16 May 2018 02:14:
This month's feature article in PC Magazine talks about tech addiction. Sharing it here for anyone who is interested in reading it.

I put it in a spoiler so not to hog the recent posts and for those that don't want to read secular magazines.
:pinch: Warning: Spoiler!

Wow, that is one long spoiler! 

Re: MY PATH TO SANITY 24 May 2018 16:12 #331311

  • Markz
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LK I hope your day is going ok!

After years of scientific research it has been concluded that LIONking has a very gentle roar and does not bite!

He only eats meet ;-)

I met him last night - a real sweet fellow!
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Re: MY PATH TO SANITY 25 May 2018 05:54 #331337

  • i-man
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Markz wrote on 24 May 2018 16:12:
LK I hope your day is going ok!

After years of scientific research it has been concluded that LIONking has a very gentle roar and does not bite!

He only eats meet ;-)

I met him last night - a real sweet fellow!

As usual the GYE PUNdit is on the markz

Re: MY PATH TO SANITY 27 May 2018 11:49 #331396

  • lionking
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Markz, I really appreciate you coming around to say hello to me. We spoke on the phone and I was expecting a huge thug from Mother Russia to come over and force some Markz'ism down my throat. 
Instead I get to meet this really nice Frum Yungerman who is a real gentle soul.

B"H last week, there was a lot going on in my life. A lot of it was positive, some not so much.

I accepted a challenge to do an activity which goes against my nature. It kept me very busy B"H, and was a good experience to get out of my comfort level. 

I'm trying to accept Hashem's will on the not positive stuff. It is not easy. It is much easier to accept that Hashem is in control when everything goes good, However when people are sick or die, it is more of a challenge.
B"H I need to be grateful that both of those were not in my family, they were close enough for it to affect me.

Hatzlocha Rabba!
My email address is: growinghigher613@gmail.com

Re: MY PATH TO SANITY 05 Jun 2018 13:09 #331755

  • lionking
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I haven't updated my thread in a while. I have had some good and bad times since last post. I ended up looking at porn and masturbating about a week ago. It was a little of a let down, however the prior two weeks was extremely stressfull and I was running on adrenalin, until I fell. So in one way, it was a wake up call to take care of myself.

B"H, I am doing much better these days. I finally started speaking to real people. Got my phone a little better restricted, which is a complicated matter for me. Too much restrictions, and I am itching to break through, which has happened in the past. Too little restrictions, and I don't need to break through. I think I found my happy medium. 

Yesterday I was stressed out at work and had the ability to check out some porn. I'm not going to claim I didn't even have the desire to look at porn. It was there strong and kicking. Instead I took a nice walk outside to air out my brain a little.

Last night I noticed how deeply rooted this issue is. I was up a lot with my baby. Pretty frustrating to be woken up every 45 minutes.
At about 2am, I get on to my phone and opened up Google maps to see what I can find on street view... After a few short minutes, I caught myself. "What are you doing?!" I B"H stopped right away and went back to sleep.

I got a long road ahead of me, but looking forward to the journey.
Hatzlocha Rabba everyone!
My email address is: growinghigher613@gmail.com

Re: MY PATH TO SANITY 19 Jun 2018 04:27 #332426

  • Markz
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How's life?

Give us a shout!!





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