tzomah wrote on 21 Apr 2017 09:01:

You share a nice thing about your own experience and also make a good point. But there are many here for whom the issue is not their wives, nor with it ever be. The guy who is struggling with some desire for and jealousy of other people can relate well to what you are sharing. But the many here (and not here) who are struggling with sex with themselves (masturbation), using porn adventures, and with other behaviors, are not saved by their wives - and we never will be. I have discovered that 'channeling' their problems into their wives only leads to troubles, distortion of marriage and of themselves, and fails miserably. Because it is pretend. We want things that no wife can supply (and no one at all can, really...hence the string of progressing porn pictures instead of just one, and the string of progressive adventures we embark on instead of just having and enjoying one). We soon learn that married love and sexual satisfaction at home are a new and much different 'land' than the sweet porn and lust led us to believe they should/need to be, and that it takes time and some growing up before we can appreciate it. 

I believe you are talking about something a bit different: true, honest appreciation of the wife we have. And that is beautiful and so true. When the dirt is not on our mind we can see some true beauty and it's even better than what's out there. 

My point here is just to let you know that it is still easily misinterpreted and misused by many who are less mature than you are. That's all.

So, thanks for letting me clarify that aspect and let me also say that we need many more people like you here who are sharing their own valuable experience. Thank you so much chaver!!

- Dov

So way, way back, this was the thread where I put my first post. 

Using it to get some stuff off my chest. No one needs to read it , but I do feel like writing.

So it's been over 4 years and I've got 1,418 days clean in total. As far as I recall, there was only one slip in that time. 

But it's still hard. 

My wife had a miscarriage a while back and we're really struggling to get back into the tahara cycle. Two weeks off, 5 days on and then two weeks off again. Repeat.

Yesterday she was mafsik, I admit I was excited. Today she's off again. 

Hard.

But I guess that's why I'm here. I don't even really remember the porn i used to watch, but i do remember the thrill. Like a sleeping giant inside me Yeah, yeah, I know, dry drunk. But honestly not, My wife has gone from not enjoying it to really enjoying it and we've had really honest and open conversations that make me convinced I really have changed. 

But it's still there. I'm still a man (B"H). 

So I'm posting this as a way of expressing my feelings. And a public statement (again - honestly you don't have to read this) that I won't give up. I will stay pure until we can rejoin in the bedroom and in the meantime, I will continue doing the washing up, showing her I care and trying to be a good husband and father.

Not for sex.

For her. 

You are simply a hero buddy, a real hero.....

Hashem Help Me wrote on 30 Jun 2021 20:38:


Very sweet of you to say, but I would have to disagree. 

So ummm, not sure how to say this. i nearly fell. Very nearly. In fact, I'm sure some would say (maybe even the "rules") that I did. But I didn't see any nudity or masturbate so I'm claiming it as not a fall....

Not sure what's wrong with me. Just feeling down. Makes it worse that i know I have it better than others. 

That itch is back. The itch downstairs that just doesn't go until (or at least, I think until) it is relieved. 

​Saw one of my wife's friends yesterday. She was at our house. very attractive. So is my wife.  Just drove me crazy. Are we all insane? 

I'll try harder not to look. But I don't really like that approach. 

That's why I liked seeing that post today with Cordnoy's stuff. So real. 

Cant promise I won't give in. Wife's period is really messing us up. not blaming her or it. Just being realistic. 

Does that mean I've achieved nothing? I don't think so. 

But i do need reminding. And I'm so close to falling. 

Accept yourself as human buddy. Move on and don't dwell on it. Panicking about "i think i will fall", or being down about "i almost fell" are the yetzer hara at work.

Thank you. Appreciate the comment. 

bego wrote on 19 Aug 2021 15:45:

I wrote this two months ago.

Ditto for today. 

Really don't want to fall. So why am I skirting around websites i don't want to look at.

Tired. Craving sex. Probably a bit depressed and looking for comfort. 

Need to focus. 

You have given chizuk and wise advice to many here. As you wrote to another guy - keep busy. Stay kosher buddy. We are counting on you.

Hashem Help Me wrote on 15 Oct 2021 11:07:

Thank you appreciate that (and that long post you just wrote on the other thread - really good). 

Just thinking aloud (nothing new here).

Why me? Why am I suffering with this? Why do I have this Nisoyon?

​Whilst there are many elements of this we can't work out (only He can) I do know that I've trained myself to love sensations and feelings that aren't healthy. From a young age I've trained my penis to like being held and to enjoy touch. To get as much pleasure as it can as quickly as possible so that I'm not caught. I've trained my body to crave the release of sperm. 

Now i need to retrain. 

I've done really well, but retraining, well that's much harder. 

To teach the eyes that saw naked women that women are meant to be clothed and respected as people. To teach the hands that wandered aimlessly that they should stay at my side. To teach the body that thinks it deserves sex with itself that sex is the glue to attach me to my wife. To teach the selfish person I was that giving is loving and that my love for my wife comes first. 

To remind myself that halocho knows all this. When you deleve into it there's a heter for everything, but Halocho knows that Heterim don't train you in self control. Halocho was well ahead of me and needs the respect it deserves. Maybe, that's where I'll start. 

Maybe. 

The only thing that's more poweful than your brain after it's trained is action. But you have to come up with actions you can use instead of doing what your training inspires you to do. It's not that simple to even identify such actions. If you don't use an action your training will be in charge forever.

Just realised, I used to have favourite porn sites and favourite porn types.

I haven't looked at them in years. 

So there is some growth hidden in there. Come on out little guy! You can't fool me forever, I am becoming a better person and mustn't forget it!  

bego wrote on 19 Oct 2021 12:19:

OK ok!
I won’t forget 

bego wrote on 15 Oct 2021 13:43:

It's that time of the month again...

I always struggle most just before Mikveh night. What can I tell you, I enjoy sex. We've developed a great bedroom experience and it's really fun. So I look forward to it. And think about it. A lot. Too much....

Weird isn't it. But we've discussed this before. 

To solve the issue I have decided to adopt the heter of Chelm. So as to avoid my desperation on the day before mikveh night, my wife will now go to mikveh one day earlier.