Hi everybody. I'm technically new to the site as a set thing , and I have a long nasty history with lust and now after a long roller coaster I am dealing with the issue IYH with therapy and the 12 steps. Hoping that through connecting to you guys out there I will continue to receive chizuk and inspiration to grow and live a healthy happy life. 

I was introduced to sex and porn at a very young age and it didn't help at all that I had no open relationship with any adult in my life with whom to share these fantasies with. On the contrary I fought intensely with my father. We had my fights about the fact that he was becoming more intensely religious and taking on new stringincids of which I had no interest in at all. I was in pain and anger and of course escaped to the all too friendly world of lust. I closed up into my own world of fantasy and lived in planet sex pornography and anything I could lust on. On the outside I was a thriving smart good looking diligent popular kid and on the inside I was just hungry for more. I am a very honest person and this killed me a lot. As I grew older masturbation became serious and then developed a "relationship" with a girl that ended quickly as soon as she wanted to actually have a relationship with a guy. I am a very spiritual person and very good in learning and I connected instantly with learning in a rarely extremely natural way of which all rebbeim were impressed. Of course with the lust on my mind as hard as I tried I never dealt with any of the real issues of my life and as a result kept falling. I never realized to speperate the two - my life of growth and closeness to HASHEM and my ISSUES which had to be dealt with in the proper way. I spiraled down eventually getting kicked out of high school. Baruch HaShem I found a yeshiva that was patient and I went to Isreal after a great year convinced that my problems were over. Of course they weren't. I learned about GYE and in second year I did the accountability thing with friends and it worked I grew in learning to new levels and rose to the top I advanced to a bigger yeshiva and rose to the top there.

Yet every time I would come home I would fall to the lowest of the low of course always angry at myself how could you possibly be here you're the best guy out there you're respected how could you. But I always came back. Finally this past summer I went home on the highest of all highs clean for three months (after a terrible pesach), and when exposed to my parents terrible relationship I collapsed. I went to all lengths to obtain porn despite the fences I had set up for myself and sunk to the ground. I gave up. Learning is not for me. It doesn't work. Real scary thoughts. I gave up for real. Finally I opened up to my rebbeim and realized that they understand me and want the best for me. I got in touch with a therapist and learned that I have a lot of real work to do. I'm still embedding inside me that my growth in the past years has been real and I just have issues to deal with. I'm on a path of hope now. I pray that his time I will find peace find the root of my problem and find a group that can support me along the way. Thanks for reading. Please share anything!

Here to share support ;-)

Shkoyach! I wish I was open with my Rebbi, instead of hinting at issues that were way worse than how I portrayed them. It's a big step.

Torah learning won't help an ADDICTION, just like panado won't help a CANCER. You need the proper tools. GYE is one of them. Read Dov Quotes, to start off with. He's big on this idea, ie the difference between someone who struggles with the problem and a full-blown addict. And it sounds like you're in the latter camp. Where it consumes your life.
STEP 1 - an unmanageable life. Welcome, brother. Let's manage it together.

Thanks so much singularity that that is exactly what has been happening. Unfortunately it was very traumatic having these real very very deep feelings that all my learning was waste and growing was waste because it didn't help my addiction or my issues. In reality though that's not true as you said. 

Welcome and thanks for the share!  We are here for you.  Keep posting.

Not to say your Torah learning is worthless... It's worth very very much! -- just from my experience it doesn't help for this particular problem. Well, unless you know how to do it right

Yeah of course. But real pain and issues need to be dealt with legitimately. Of course I intellectually realize and working on making it my reality that all my growth has been real and Torah purifies is to no ends but of course as you said you need to treat the issue like cancer needs what it needs and etc.