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TOPIC: need help 10932 Views

Re: need help 08 Nov 2016 15:04 #297534

  • cordnoy
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Filters are good and important.
To many, they are a necessity.
They are usually not a fix-all, as a person probably needs to work on himself.
Some don't need.
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
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Re: need help 08 Nov 2016 15:57 #297536

  • yiraishamaim
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While I have considerable personal experience, I am not by any means as educated in addictive behaviors as many others here. So you are probably right.
I just fight it difficult to understand.
Is it healthy for a person who is an alcoholic to  have a well stocked bar just in the other room?
Does a person who is a recovering gambler voluntary choose to live two blocks away from a casino?
Maybe? and if so, I've learned another chiddush.
{we live life and an alcoholic will go to a simcha at times with plenty of booz, and a gambler will find himself here and there in tempting situations. But voluntarily allowing the alluring thing at arms length day after day. - and the person has a low point...}
I find this concept difficult to grasp

Re: need help 08 Nov 2016 16:03 #297537

  • yiraishamaim
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yiraishamaim wrote on 08 Nov 2016 15:57:
While I have considerable personal experience, I am not by any means as educated in addictive behaviors as many others here. So you are probably right.
I just fight it difficult to understand.
Is it healthy for a person who is an alcoholic to  have a well stocked bar just in the other room?
Does a person who is a recovering gambler voluntary choose to live two blocks away from a casino?
Maybe? and if so, I've learned another chiddush.
{we live life and an alcoholic will go to a simcha at times with plenty of booz, and a gambler will find himself here and there in tempting situations. But voluntarily allowing the alluring thing at arms length day after day. - and the person has a low point...}
I find this concept difficult to grasp

Don't misunderstand me.
Filters,Taphsic are tools that don't get to work on the fundamentals of recovery, I get it. but a filter puts a fence albeit a weak one but a fence - to acting out. WE are fickle people. Who says, perhaps just the need to make just one EXTRA click to get to the shmutz might be helpful tp prevent a fall

Shlomo24  - would a filter have helped you in any way in prevention for your recent acting out?

Re: need help 08 Nov 2016 17:41 #297540

  • shlomo24
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A filter may have helped. It may have not helped. I honestly have no idea. I could see logic for both sides. Your comparison to alcohol is strong, however. I do find that my relationship with my Higher Power is much stronger because I don't have a filter. I think that's worth it for me. I'm really relying and trusting Him much more. I don't know if I would suggest avoiding a filter for everyone, but I think there's a lot to gain by not having a filter. At least in my case. Also, God runs this world, I don't. I understand this may sound interesting, but evidently God decided I was to act out. So in retrospect, a filter would not have stopped me from acting out. Additionally, I'm following my sponsor and my sponsor's sponsor. And I do feel like I'm living a life with a lot more faith. Finally, I'm grateful I acted out. I'm seeing direct, positive, results from it. In a way, withdrawal is beautiful, because I realize how much I need God. That doesn't happen often, especially if my success gets to my head.
If you're an LGBTQ or LGBTQ-questioning person and looking for someone who can understand you, feel free to reach out. I promise no judgement and to try and listen the best I can. 

Email: iam24zman@gmail.com
Last Edit: 08 Nov 2016 17:44 by shlomo24.

Re: need help 08 Nov 2016 19:04 #297545

  • cordnoy
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Shlomo24 wrote on 08 Nov 2016 17:41:
A filter may have helped. It may have not helped. I honestly have no idea. I could see logic for both sides. Your comparison to alcohol is strong, however. I do find that my relationship with my Higher Power is much stronger because I don't have a filter. I think that's worth it for me. I'm really relying and trusting Him much more. I don't know if I would suggest avoiding a filter for everyone, but I think there's a lot to gain by not having a filter. At least in my case. Also, God runs this world, I don't. I understand this may sound interesting, but evidently God decided I was to act out. So in retrospect, a filter would not have stopped me from acting out. Additionally, I'm following my sponsor and my sponsor's sponsor. And I do feel like I'm living a life with a lot more faith. Finally, I'm grateful I acted out. I'm seeing direct, positive, results from it. In a way, withdrawal is beautiful, because I realize how much I need God. That doesn't happen often, especially if my success gets to my head.

The logic of God and retrospect is absurd.
 fellow closed his eyes before crossing the highway. Got run over by a truck. In retrospect, would it have made a difference if he opened his eyes?
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads: Mikvah Night - Page 1Page 2Page 3Last Page

https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/210029-Tryin
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Re: need help 08 Nov 2016 19:08 #297546

  • cordnoy
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Somewhere on gye it states that conversations with therapists should remain in the room and not on the forum. While I cannot say that I have always adhered to that policy, I am beginning to see the wisdom of it, and with respect to sponsors and sponsees as well.

a sponsor probably knows his sponsee on an intimate level and knows what is good for him; it does not necessarily mean that it's good for others.

B'hatzlachah to all in whatever recovery methods they are using.
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads: Mikvah Night - Page 1Page 2Page 3Last Page

https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/210029-Tryin
:pinch: Warning: Spoiler!
My job: Punchin' bag of GYE - "NeshamaInCharge"
Quote from the chevra: "Is Cordnoy truly a Treasure Island pirate from the Southern Seas?"

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: need help 08 Nov 2016 20:43 #297555

  • shlomo24
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You may think it's absurd but that's how I understand my Higher Power. I have absolutely no control over the past. If it happened then it was destiny. So no, opening his eyes would not have helped in the grand scheme of things.
If you're an LGBTQ or LGBTQ-questioning person and looking for someone who can understand you, feel free to reach out. I promise no judgement and to try and listen the best I can. 

Email: iam24zman@gmail.com

Re: need help 08 Nov 2016 21:27 #297557

  • cordnoy
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Shlomo24 wrote on 08 Nov 2016 20:43:
You may think it's absurd but that's how I understand my Higher Power. I have absolutely no control over the past. If it happened then it was destiny. So no, opening his eyes would not have helped in the grand scheme of things.

That's fine, but it's against the basic tenets of emunah and bechirah.
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads: Mikvah Night - Page 1Page 2Page 3Last Page

https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/210029-Tryin
:pinch: Warning: Spoiler!
My job: Punchin' bag of GYE - "NeshamaInCharge"
Quote from the chevra: "Is Cordnoy truly a Treasure Island pirate from the Southern Seas?"

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: need help 08 Nov 2016 22:53 #297560

  • Watson
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Shlomo24 wrote on 08 Nov 2016 17:41:
Finally, I'm grateful I acted out. I'm seeing direct, positive, results from it. In a way, withdrawal is beautiful, because I realize how much I need God. That doesn't happen often, especially if my success gets to my head.

———————————————————

The "Nuclear Reset Button" idea is about how we unfortunately thrive on that very honest state we do feel after masturbating ourselves, and that no matter how holy we feel in that state, it is all part of the same sick cycle. It suggests further, that since we sincerely crave feelings of pure kedusha and hate the feeling of struggling with lust, we end up masturbating ourselves in order to get out of the struggle and into that holy, connected and honest state we often feel after masturbating. It's one of the only ways we know of that practically guarantees plugging into kedusha and teshuvah (with a 'v') again. A dirty cycle in which t'shukah (with a 'k') for avodas Hashem and kedusha leads us to end up masturbating again for years and decades.

Re: need help 09 Nov 2016 00:18 #297563

  • Workingguy
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Shlomo,

People have to take into account how a filter affects them and sometimes a filter creates its own Yetzer Hara. But one thing that I found consistently in the program is that while they may have advice about sobriety that Torah didn't help for, this was the specific key that I found them lacking- which was that they didn't protect from getting into situations in the first place and were very overconfident about the program in regard to maintaining sobriety in the face of challenge.

Question- feel free not to answer but did the internet and not having a filter contribute at all to this last fall? And do you/would you have accountability software?

Re: need help 09 Nov 2016 00:58 #297564

  • shlomo24
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I don't want to repeat myself. Read the above posts. Theorizing about a filter stopping me from acting out is flat-out ridiculous. It happened and nothing would have stopped it, so long that it already happened.
If you're an LGBTQ or LGBTQ-questioning person and looking for someone who can understand you, feel free to reach out. I promise no judgement and to try and listen the best I can. 

Email: iam24zman@gmail.com

Re: need help 09 Nov 2016 02:32 #297568

  • Markz
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I think I understand what Shlomos saying

But I'll just talk about myself 

I have covenant eyes reporting but no filtering

Why no filtering?

Because, for my lust needs, basic porn was sufficient. And I didn't find any standard filter (without blocking internet entirely) that I couldn't break, and I was always able to find what I 'need'

Now if I'd have a lust 'attack' today and I'd want to look for porn on my PC, I'd try circumvent covenant eyes reporting (which I've tried before with some success) and I'd fall, because I don't have the extra layer of protection (which I don't believe exists)

What do I need to do today?
I don't believe it's to shut my PC

And if I do fall?
I would blame myself (because I do come down hard on myself). But I wouldn't blame the lack of filter

If I'm in the mood of falling (which I hope iyH never repeats), I'll act out with my PC or I'll look for an alternative. An unfiltered PC is not the cause of my problems 

Now I don't know if Shlomo relates to this but perhaps
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Re: need help 09 Nov 2016 05:12 #297576

  • shlomo24
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There has never been a time when I said, "Thank God there was a filter because I would have acted out otherwise."
If you're an LGBTQ or LGBTQ-questioning person and looking for someone who can understand you, feel free to reach out. I promise no judgement and to try and listen the best I can. 

Email: iam24zman@gmail.com

Re: need help 09 Nov 2016 08:13 #297587

  • Watson
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Shlomo24 wrote on 09 Nov 2016 00:58:
It happened and nothing would have stopped it, so long that it already happened.


But are there any lessons to learn going forward?

Re: need help 09 Nov 2016 13:56 #297593

  • trysohard
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everyone agrees that for most people, filters are neccessary. whether there are individuals such as shlomo that are better off without them, seems to be the subject of some debate. who cares? we advise people that come here to get them, and if an individual is told by the one guiding him to remove it, that's his business.
i love listening to the pearls of wisdom of those older and wiser than me, so can we get back to them. elections are done, debate season is over!

Mr. need help, i see you still log on, feel free to reclaim your thread from us highjackers
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