Well, I'm back...

I think my last post here was in 2009, so let me quickly reintroduce myself.

​I struggled intensely through high school with a porn and masturbation addiction that carried over into my twenties but developed into something more with the discovery of various websites that offer services. I never hit rock bottom and "went all the way" but started frequenting massage parlors etc. Not good stuff.

When I met my wife something clicked inside of my and I just stopped. The urges were there but the motivation to be pure and straight with the person you love overcame that. I was clean for over 3 years!

And then it all started with one innocent trip back to a massage parlor. I figured I'll indulge myself but won't go all the way. Well I did. It started a cycle of masturbation and from time to time seeking out these places. My wife never knew and for now I don't plan on telling her. What is crazy is that porn doesn't even appeal to me! It's more perusing online ads and calling these places that gets me going. To be clear - I have never gone "all the way" with any of these. 

One thing to note is that my sex life at home has become not exciting at all. I try - and i really mean this - I try to make things exciting and interesting. I want that feeling of excitement that I get from these outside lusts! But real life doesn't always allow that. Maybe I just have expectations that are unattainable. Maybe I'm a sex addict - I don't know. But I justify these visits and masturbation with these reasons. 

In May, I was at a "session" and when it was over I realized I had hit the bottom. I could not go back to that ever again. I have fought tooth and nail to overcome those urges and B"H I have been successful for now. Ironically, I have used masturbation as a way of thwarting those urges. If I "get off" then I don't care about going else wear to get off. 

Since the start of Elul I have been clean. I have been close and I mean really close to giving in to myself. But the voice inside my head that's telling me to let go is not strong enough - for now. Of course, the day after Yom Kippur I have had the worst urges in months. I perused all the adds, came close to giving in. I even discussed how hard it was for me with my wife (as we can't have relations at the moment) who understood and was very sympathetic to me and told me she wouldn't judge me if I "did what I had to do." That actually helped me get through the day.

But I came to the realization that I can't survive this by going day by day myself. And after years and years away - here I am. Clean since the first day of Elul and struggling like everyone else. I found some of my older posts and my younger self had some very encouraging words.

I am here because I want to make this work. It's a struggle that I am willing to go through.

So chizuk is of course appreciated but advice on how to utilize relations in a marriage is another area that I would love some help with.

Thank you GYE!

Welcome back!

riskbh542,

Happy to hear about your recent success. So many things come to my mind when I read your story. Like how you can possibly withstand these daily occurrences. First off, what do you find is the thing that sets you off the most? and what is it that brings you back the most?

-YK77

I'm not sure what sets me off honestly. Truth - most of the urges come when my wife is a nidah naturally. But it's happened when she's not also, so that's not it. 

I do feel the lack of excitement in my marriage's sex life contributes greatly. There's this huge rush to going to providers to "get off" though feeling after basically negates all the pleasure one could possibly have from it. But I'm not going to blame this on my marriage. 

I do feel that when im doing well, learning and davening, being more connected to G-d - that is when the pull is strongest. Almost like the YH knows I'm on the up and he's gotta pull me down. And the truth is I don't always just push on with the same vigor and excitement after a fall. So he's done a good job. 

Thats my issue - I don't know the triggers. It's just a tremendous taivah. 

Unfortunately many of us don't know our triggers. But many GYE tools work for us. Take a small step, try one ;-)

I've been here before and have utilized the tools and am continuing to do so. 

Well, first of all I can tell you for sure that all he wants to do is get us down. That is his ultimate goal. If we are down we can't serve Hashem.

Now that we know that..

It seems like your first two paragraphs you were looking for an outside of yourself reason why you are struggling. In the last paragraph you mentioned your ups and the YH grabbing you down. I can tell you that that is the nature of it. We won't struggle unless we prove we want to improve. If we want to improve the YH with guns hot and ready. If we know what sets us off, whether it be a TV show, movie, magazine, girl on the street or whatever then we can say to ourselves that we need to stay away from this stuff. We need realize that we have a trigger, both ways THANK GD, and we need to react correctly when they are triggered. I know that almost any attractive woman can send me in the wrong direction. It is so hard to stay away. But I know that this addiction needs to be dealt with in me and then everything else falls into place. Marriage, Religion, work etc.

Dig down deep, why do we need run to do what we do? Is it always there for us? Is it because there is a void that needs to be filled? 

No matter what I believe we have the tools to be this, and like we say in the Al Chaits on YK...
beating the YH is not facing him; we beat him by not stepping into the ring with him. Stay far away from him because he's way stronger than us.

-Good Luck,
YK77

YK I like your approach but it so doesn't work for many here, like myself that feels the YH by my side

Other tools really work and are worth a try

Thanks, YK5777. That really resonated with me. 

Yes, Mark. I get that. The YH is like my shadow that I cannot shake. Inside my head all the time. 

Welcome Back. May Heshem be with you through this.

Hey Markz,

Everyone is different and we all have our different types of YH. No doubt we all feel the YH by our side 365 24*7. I heard a Shiur, and the Rav said there is no YH on YK. And on Wed. I was like, well I beg to differ.

We also have to realize that we are also responsible for our actions and some part of this is our insane liking and desire for this stuff. (Rav Yisroel Salanter)

But I think we need to figure out what makes get away from him. That one time or more than that. What makes us stay away from him, or makes say NO? Once we know that we are on our path to STAYING MOTIVATED. That's what we need ultimately. We are always easily motivated to go with the YH. We need to motivate ourselves to do good and stay that way. 

With great power comes great responsibility.

In this case it's great tayva and great potential.  

HI YK77,

Well, It may be true that there is no YH on Yom Kipur. But people that are sick stay sick even on YK. I have a disease. My disease works on me for 365 days a year, even when the YH goes on Vocation.

Right there with you...

Not sure what that Spoiler thing is...