I have been struggling with viewing porn and masturbating for many years. A big contributor to my problem is my struggle with general and social anxiety. For a long time, I was able to control my porn and masturbation issues. I was able to limit the occurrences to only a few times a month. Even though this was not ideal, it was controlled and the issue did not severely impact my mental health. After viewing porn and masturbating, I would feel guilty and anxious. However, I was able to calm myself by understanding that my struggle was normal and that I was trying my best. I did not feel like I was addicted to porn and masturbation. I would then attempt to implement ways to prevent it from reoccurring. I added filtering and monitoring to my phone and laptop. I spoke with a respected mashgiach and received support and guidance.
About one year ago I got married. From when I got engaged until about a month ago, I did not masturbate or look at porn. That is more than a year!! Obviously, being married and having a sexual outlet was helpful. However, the main reason for my abstinence was something else. Being in a relationship, I felt scared to continue my lustful habits. I believed that if I continued to view porn and masturbate it would be catastrophic. I feared that it would ruin my marriage and that my wife would not tolerate it. This fear is what prevented me from these negative behaviors during my engagement and first year of marriage.
We had a difficult first year of marriage. Our personal emotional struggles, my wife with depression and myself with anxiety, increased the challenge of building a relationship. We struggled, and continue to struggle, with having intimate, functional sex. We pursued couples therapy, which I like to believe has improved the situation a little. When I don’t feel good and I am not happy, I will turn to porn and masturbation as an escape. Obviously this is an unhealthy outlet that, aside from not solving the problem, makes the situation worse.
About a month ago, after being clean for over a year, I viewed porn and masturbated. I felt really guilty and scared. I then continued to masturbate and look at porn. I continued doing this for days. I tried to stop but then I found myself doing it again. I would stay up late waiting for my wife to fall asleep so that I could continue my lustful behavior. I felt terrible and out of control. Every morning I would guiltily drag myself out of bed and promise myself that I would not do it again. However, when the night came, I would seek out porn and masturbate again. I lost confidence in my ability to control myself with this struggle. My inability to control myself has never been as bad as it has been this month. I find myself obsessively viewing porn and masturbating. I have never been this way before.
I spoke about this issue with my therapist and he suggested that I join GYE. I joined GYE about one month ago. Since I have joined, my situation has slightly improved . However, I still struggle and about once a week I will look at inappropriate things online and sometimes masturbate.
Warning: Spoiler!
