Here is my story....

I grew up in a modern orthodox home, son of a computer programmer become IT manager (who is now opening his own Apple store, Hashem should help him be מצליח). I always had computers in my house, from the earliest I can remember. At one point, before I was Bar-mitzvah, we had 3 computers in the basement: my father's fancy one, my mother's clunker, and a nice one for my bother and I, for games and schoolwork. It was in the late-90's when I reached the adulthood stage, and I was hooked to pornography. I saw lots of terrible things; all bad, and some of it truly evil. I would be נכשל often (whenever I stayed up later than my father, which increased as I exited high school). I got a year reprieve when I went to Yeshiva in Israel my first year, but when I came back, the problem returned. The same happened the second year. I may have been frummer, and my religious practice may have increased in its quality and quantity, but my "problem" didn't go away. It just increased.

I didn't identify it as a problem yet. Sure, I knew it was wrong to do, and I didn't feel good after, either. I felt that I could simply switch off the problem if I wanted to, when necessary, or when I was ready. I dormed during the week in college, and I didn't always have private internet access. I would have good weeks, and some horrible weekends. Summer vacations were the worst; every day, home, with the opportunity available, I would sometimes be נכשל two or three times a day, sometimes daily for a weeks' stretch (or more -sigh-).
 
Unconsciously, I knew that this couldn't last. I guess that I still did not feel that this was a real problem, so I sought something that I figured would be a way to lead to a solution: marriage. Of course, I knew it was the right thing to do, and I wanted to have a family and live a proper Jewish life. I married the first girl I dated (capish?). Baruch Hashem, she is great, and has always been a big help in however she can. However, after a few months, my problem returned. It is not with as great intensity as before, but as the family gets larger, the responsibilities get greater and more time consuming, and I get older and more frustrated with myself, just a once-a-week-מכשול has great ramifications. I was still stuck: moody, emotional, often tired. Baruch Hashem, my wife has patience for me and my antics. I believe she knows there is a problem, but I don't know what she knows and to what extent.   

I finally realized that this isn't something that passwords, filters, and willpower alone will fix. I admitted that I am addicted. I came to the GYE website, verbally admitted my addiction, and cried. I clearly need some help. Baruch Hashem, my days are busy with work in leaning Torah. Real Busy. Due to filters, I have not seen real pornography (at least more than pictures and short less than a minute clips) for a long time. However, before I found this website, I would find myself staring at the screen, from 11 at night until 2 in the morning, scrolling and clicking, searching for SOMETHING that can bring me "happiness" (you know, the temporary "escape" type, even if I don't need one). Sometimes I would end the night "happy", others simply frustrated at myself. In truth, on all nights, I would end up frustrated with myself, angry at myself and the world (or whatever else I could be angry at) for my situation; for the עבירות, for the loss of time and energy, for ruining the next day (or two or three) due to my lack of control).

Baruch Hashem, I found this website. I started a שבועה, which did me well, until I got myself into a ספק and was נכשל. I hope to start a new שבועה tonight, and continue on my path to abstinence and keeping of תריג מצוות בשלימותן. Any advice would be appreciated. Unfortunately (or fortunately, as you may appreciate soon) my computer is broken, so my access to this site is currently limited (you see, I'm not so interested in fixing my computer so fast...). However, בלי נדר, I will try to keep up this forum and see what is going on at least once a week.

Thank you for reading this. For all those in my situation reading this, Hashem should help you be מצליח in finding the right formula, the right השתדלות, for fixing this problem. For all those willing to help, תזכו למצות, and may Hashem let you help me and anyone else who has this addiction, and find success in what you do.

Be well,

George

Welcome to gye George,

That was a great first post. Congratulations on taking your first steps.

You're story is different and still the same as mine and so many other people here. Your frustration and will to stop is something that we can all relate to. 

You really touched upon this in your post but it might be useful to elaborate on it anyway. Like you said, we use porn as an escape and that's really the reason that it's so hard to stop. Willpower and filters aren't enough when inside we're seeking relief and it's slowly building up until it bursts. 

The answer therefore needs to be to find better ways to deal with the stressors that make us want to escape. Facing and accepting problems is a much better way to deal with (and even solve) the problems we have. Shvuos will help with the symptom but we need to deal with the underlying problems in order to be able to get long term results.

One of the most powerful tools gye can offer is the ability to connect with others who understand exactly what you're going through. So stick around!

May Hashem grant you much hatzlacha.

King George has arisen!!

The.guard will be ready at your service!!

Wow!

That was an amazing first post, and resonates very well with many of us here.

Much haztlachah!

Wow.  Really great first post and inspiring story. You sounds like your heart is in good place and you want to improve. I do not understand your struggles because never had computers or television on my home. But even without internet there is temptation on streets. in stores. on newspapers and advertisements. Everywhere. 
Do you talk about your problem with your wife? How she react?

     welcome George!!
 I strongly connect with your struggles.... this site helped me make huge strides in the right direction.. wishing you much hatzlacha!

I also come from a modern home, and triggers are everywhere.  TV, movies, and did I mention TV and movies .  Not to mention having access to porn in high school, although I'm older than you and didn't have internet then.  Internet made things infinitely worse. 

Your story is not uncommon.  Many have been helped here.  Stick around.  Read the handbook.  Click some of the links in my signature.  Keep posting.