My story starts at a young age of 13-14, my introduction to pornography was in my house,I had internet  growing up and actually had internet in my room... lets just say it was a disaster. My upbringing was free and careless and i was able to do what ever i wanted (privately).My Father  (whom I love very much) was and still is clinically depressed and never showed concern for me, I always needed to fend for myself because he was never there for me. His expectation from me would change every day , I will get a good beating every now and then(for something he thought i did or didn't do). He would talk with me for hours in regards to all his Family and financial problems and it made me feel sick how narcissistic he was. However in reality he is a very good person and has a huge heart he just  personally went through a lot in his life and he also had Crazy Daddy issues and  was left to fend for himself as well. He had nobody to turn to. My mother was my rock , with out my mother I would have  been long gone from  Yidishkiet; her love kept me in check. Regarding me personally I was the Joke-star, popular kid, and actually a good learner. But as i got older like 17 years of age my family problems got to me and I was dead inside, I felt like a Yosom, in realty even worse because if  I didn't have a father I would probably be more emotionally stable b/c  I wouldn't be so-rounded by a depressed father who was always angry and abusive. This is when Porn really kicked in, besides for the lust, it took my mind off things and gave me a few minuets of living in fantasy land... this went on for years. I Had my ups and downs  and of course i had my spiritual times and refrained for months etc... but its a never ending circle. I do not  persistently look at porn but if I do its because it acts like a drug. when I am angry or depressed I would view porn just to escape from reality (its not even lust most of the time) . I feel G-d put me in a situation in  life were i am disadvantaged. I ask my-self "why did i have to be born in a family like this, and why was i placed in a situation were i can view porn freely in my room at age 14 " I would of loved to be brought up in a normal functioning family that never had Internet. Now after all these years my mind is warped  with filth and  my temptation are ridiculous. does anyone else feel this way ?
I know I cant change my past and i take the blame for my perversion. but seriously it would have been easier in a different upbringing. 
Anyways getting back to  the conversation, I am Married  to a wonderful person whom i love and have children ...etc . I updated my chart even though i had minor slip, basically I viewed some Images but then controlled my self and said "STOP."(it was a 3 minuet ordeal)..  I did, thank g-d. Not sure if i should update the chart (I did any way)  ? 
I need advice because the issue of porn is its the best get-away from reality (even if there is no lust at the moment) its better then watching a regular movie.... any advice ?
 

Welcome!!!

Your story is one of emotional discontent / abuse 

I'm not ready to give advice...

Great to have you Trucking with us!!

Oh nebech, Hashem Yrachem.
Keep strong even you can brake out of it.

WELCOME!  I'm sorry to hear about your pain.  You are not alone.  Your general experience is not uncommon at all.  You nailed it when you said it is an escape.  The goal is to live life in a healthy way so the escape is not neccessary (at least most of hte time). 

I know it is much easier said than done, but living with an emunah that Hashem put you in this situation for a reason, that he knows what he is doing, and that he loves you can help a lot.

There are lots of tools here.  Check out the handbook.  Keep posting.  Many people who understand what you are going through are here to listen, share, empathise, and give chizzuk.

I wish you all the best!  Many have been helped here, you can be too.

Welcome. I can relate to the frustration about growing up where it was all available. I had and still have uncontrolled access to TV, movies, and Internet. My parents are totally oblivious to everything and even encourage things accidentally. They don't even have a clue what can be wrong or why. I spoke to my rebbi recently and it was the biggest step I've ever made. He really gets the whole picture. 



I've thought about the past a lot. I know it's too late to change what has happened already. I tried to find answers but it's tough. I was so young when I started that it's hard to really know when or why I started. I've concluded that right now I must focus on the future. Regardless of, when, how, or why, I know what there is now. I know that I have to deal with what I have now. The questions about the past might come later or they may never be answered, but I'm ok with that. 



Hope I make sense. Welcome again and keep us posted.



 

 You sound incredibly strong for your situation. I can't offer you too much advise on this addiction besides to stay out here no matter what and hear what the experienced ones here have to say. 
I not only empathize with you regarding your family situation but I relate somewhat to it. Everyone's situation is obviously different, but I too have a narcissist/depressive  father who I had to deal with and eventually learn how to grow from. I feel he means well deep deep deep down, and even admitted to me once that he knows he has an anger issue and trying to work on it . Again, every situation is different and I was never physically abused, and abuse effects addiction in a much more correlative way I think then other things- (not an expert), but one thing I can tell you is that I did use this as an escape from reality of life and many times the reality of my family. I can't forget those many time I felt lost. Lost in a world where all seemed ok and normal but behind closed doors not. I rember one time specifically when I bought a few adult videos one afternoon and was debating the whole day if I should see them (couldn't watch them until in middle of night when family computer is "available). When my 4AM queue came, I headed to the computer with a few videos in hand, still agonizing whether I should actually follow through with it or not. I remember that moment as is it was a few nights ago. Standing by the stairs asking myself what I have gotten myself into. Can I actually go through this? And then it happened. The yelling. From upstairs. My father was yelling at my mother with a few choice curse words. My father who is an upstanding and respected  person in our community. I felt so lost. I felt as if this whole world is fake. You can only imagine where my logic the rest of the night led me. The reason why that moment is etched in my mind is because it was the epitome of the two issues of pornography and family situation coinciding.
Not blaming what I have squarely on any family thing, but think wrong to say it has what to do with it. To fully capture the complexities of my family situation and my relationship to it is beyond this already lengthy post, but hope was able to share a little of it.
Oh.. Wanted to throw one thing out.. Seems as if you have a good attitude towards your father which is great. My perspective that had to drill inside me- whether appropriate or true in general don't know but helped for me, was to look at my father as if he has a sickness and that he struggles with it in a similar way as I struggle with mine. Hashem gave him his nesonos and He gave me mine. I need to work on mine and pity his- not vise-versa. 
Chizuk, I hope you get clarity in your situation and continue to grow in all your endeavors, keep in touch! 

thank you so much for your kind words, My father is a loving person his depression changed him and he was living in his own mind for the last 20 years. I have a good relationship with him as a father to son , since I am married and i have my own children and been out of the house for 8 years. 

Thank You.

Welcome to gye, 

I also grew up with complete access and family issues. I definitely used porn as an escape sometimes, though for me it's mostly the technology that I was using to escape.

I definitely got a lot of help from gye over my years here that helped with both.

Stick around and keep on posting.
 

I had a fall... Need some chizuk, I went 150 days clean, I don't want to get back into any cycle any advice ? 

If you had a fall, it does not mean you will fall again.
Just go back to the things which worked for you and do not make too big a deal of the fall.

Hungry
Angry (Resentful)
Lonely
Tired

these are my triggers so if I feel any of them I have to take extra care and HALT.

Chizuk29 wrote on 19 Sep 2016 03:24:

I'm sorry to hear that.
Try a tricycle.

I'm sure you know whose signature has the tricycle message? Dov!

KEEP ON TRUCKING!!

Get back up.  Don't let this be an excuse to keep falling.  It may take some extra kochos after a fall, but persevere and do the thigs you did for the last 150 days (unless you feel you were white knuckling).  Get busy with something or somethings positive.  Make sure not to isolate.  Talk to a friend, maybe even a GYE friend.  Hatzlacha Rabbah!  150 days is AMAZING!  KUTGW!

One thing that might help is to keep in touch through posting on the forum when you're not having a fall so you feel more like part of this wonderful chevra. 
Make connections here , don't go it alone!