Last night I finally told my parents that I joined GYE. They were very supportive as always, and the conversation was pretty good. But it wasn't as liberating as I thought it would be. I imagine that's because a) I've already unburdened myself to you guys
![](https://guardyoureyes.com/components/com_kunena/template/default/images/emoticons/new/smiley.png)
and b) because my mother had some doubts. (If it sounds awkward that my mother is involved in this, you should know that it's awkward for me too. But we are very close, and she is a mental health professional
and
an addict herself (baruch Hashem more than ten year sober thanks to 12 step), so she's heard it all before and she understands it better than I do, so her input is valuable.)
It's like this: I joined GYE because I feel that I am abnormally obsessed with women. That manifested itself in a few ways, one of which is porn, and another is by not being able to control my eyes and thoughts, whenever it is and wherever I am.
Now, how do I know it's not normal? I've never asked anybody. And I can't ask you guys because we are all in the same boat. Maybe I just have to get married sooner rather than later, and I'll be fine.
Now don't get scared; I'm not going anywhere. But as I so defiantly posted in shlomo24's thread, there are certain things that have to be chalked up to being a 21 year old man, no? If I sometimes think about how wonderful it would feel to hold my wife's hand, how can that be labeled an addiction? If I wish I could have a tight hug with a woman I love, should that be a reason for me to go on 12 step calls? Porn is bad of course, but maybe it's just the natural progression of things: I'm love starved, I want affection(and I get both from my parents, but I want affection from a girl who I connect with. I don't think that needs any more explanation.), and if I can't have it, my mind is going to try to find the next "best" thing. I know everyone says that marriage doesn't solve your problems, but that's exactly it: Do I really have a problem?
My mother put it very well: I'm a thirsty man in a desert and I'm surround by waterfalls.
I think a very important part of this journey from me is to pinpoint exactly what I'm trying to accomplish here. I'm not sure it deserves to be labeled "recovery." It's very in style on here to call yourself an addict, and it's definitely a good thing for many people. But I'm not convinced that it applies to me.
Instead, I'm now thinking of GYE as a sort of mussar vaad like they used to have in old yeshivas, where the members of the vaad helped each other to improve their middos and to fight the YH. That's what I need, and baruch Hashem that's what I've been getting.
But as always, I'm a work in progress, on a journey to understand myself and to learn how to remain a pure Yid. Tomorrow I might want to erase everything I just wrote.
ODAAT.