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TOPIC: I'm Finally Here 52605 Views

Re: I'm Finally Here 27 Apr 2016 21:36 #286000

Workingguy
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inastruggle wrote on 27 Apr 2016 06:12:

Thank you mark.

Now for those of us who didn't take the good advice from the nice guy in the hoodie ( I think he's chassidish??) we do need to deal with our mistakes.

I'm not married and only slightly older than you. I feel lonely as well sometimes. It may be because I'm not married, it may not be. I don't think anyone's lust problem comes from being lonely.

There are two parts to our problem. There's the physical urge, that might be helped a little by marriage. Might not, whatever, I've heard both from married friends.

Then there's the mental urge. Generally when we're in a bad state, we have a harder time controlling ourselves. This isn't only in regard to lust it's with dieting and other choices as well. We only have a limited amount of fuel and being in a bad situation takes more fuel.

There's an acronym named HALT, it stands for Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. Those are four common situation that make it harder for us to control ourselves.

So feeling lonely does make it harder to control ourselves but I don't think that it's the cause of the problem.

Getting married brings it's own stresses that we don't have right now. Maybe you'll be less lonely but you also might be way more stressed even if your marriage is good (which it won't be unless you put work into it, which is its own stress).

Your comment about the couples bring to mine something I heard b'shem a wise man. He said that bachurim think that being married is walking down rechov sorotzkin with your wife on shabbos. You have to realize that that has nothing to do with marriage. Marriage is when you're inside the apartment. (I'm paraphrasing here)

I just touched on about five important points here. I'm too lazy to elaborate, and I don't want to make this post too long. That's all for now folks.

Yes, but you gotta admit that walking down Rechov Sorotzkin is pretty cool, as is our wife sitting in the chatzer with her whole oilam.

Although sometimes all the people walking down Rechov Sorotzkin can be part of the problem....

Re: I'm Finally Here 28 Apr 2016 03:52 #286047

birshusi
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inastruggle wrote on 27 Apr 2016 06:12:

So feeling lonely does make it harder to control ourselves but I don't think that it's the cause of the problem.

Getting married brings it's own stresses that we don't have right now. Maybe you'll be less lonely but you also might be way more stressed even if your marriage is good (which it won't be unless you put work into it, which is its own stress).

Your comment about the couples bring to mine something I heard b'shem a wise man. He said that bachurim think that being married is walking down rechov sorotzkin with your wife on shabbos. You have to realize that that has nothing to do with marriage. Marriage is when you're inside the apartment. (I'm paraphrasing here)

I was wondering more if loneliness and longing for an intimate relationship is in itself lust, not just if it is the cause of other behaviors.

Being a bachur is definitely great, and it's become a mantra of mine to not always be looking forward to off-Shabbosim, Bein Hazmanim, etc., because I know that these are the golden years, and I want to make the most of them before the next stage of my life. But the loneliness makes it difficult sometimes.

I like that line at the end. I know it's so true but it's easier to understand it than to feel it.
abd297 wrote on 27 Apr 2016 14:14:

I'm a little younger but I often have similar thoughts. I think it's a real motivation to get clean so I can get married in a healthy way. Also, it's possible that these thoughts can be satisfied through stronger relationships with relatives, friends, or mentors.

That was one of the things that pushed me to join GYE finally. Shudduchim is around the corner for me, and I've seen on here before that marriage doesn't solve your problems. Marriage without this under control sounds like it would be torture, besides for the fact that I'd be dating while hiding what is essentially a dangerous mental illness.

Last Edit: 28 Apr 2016 03:55 by birshusi.

Re: I'm Finally Here 28 Apr 2016 04:03 #286051

inastruggle Current streak: 25 days OFFLINE Platinum Boarder the picture is shimshon hagibor. not st. mary.... Posts: 1263 Karma: 35	I'm already at the shidduchim stage. I dillydallied until it was too late. A nice chunk of my friends are married already. I'm seriously considering pushing off shidduchim because of this. I plan on finally telling a rebbi of mine after yomtov and discussing it with him. Take a lesson from me, don't come into shidduchim with 20 days clean.

Re: I'm Finally Here 28 Apr 2016 04:17 #286054

birshusi
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inastruggle wrote on 28 Apr 2016 04:03:

I'm already at the shidduchim stage. I dillydallied until it was too late. A nice chunk of my friends are married already. I'm seriously considering pushing off shidduchim because of this. I plan on finally telling a rebbi of mine after yomtov and discussing it with him.

Take a lesson from me, don't come into shidduchim with 20 days clean.

Got it. Registered, filed away, labeled as important.

Re: I'm Finally Here 28 Apr 2016 16:26 #286097

eslaasos
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inastruggle wrote on 27 Apr 2016 06:12:

Getting married brings it's own stresses that we don't have right now. Maybe you'll be less lonely but you also might be way more stressed even if your marriage is good (which it won't be unless you put work into it, which is its own stress).

Not all marriages are created equal. Some don't require as much stress to make them good, especially in the beginning.

The "L" in HALT was a major cause of acting out for me when I was single, and in that scenario, getting married and starting out with a great relationship really helped a lot. Now, as you posted so eloquently, there are other factors that need to be dealt with. I was totally oblivious to that, and GYE was not even a glimmer in Guard's eye at the time. BH you are aware, and have better tools to help.

Hatzlacha

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Re: I'm Finally Here 02 May 2016 20:55 #286356

birshusi
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Crazy day today. It's the beginning of a long week before the zman starts, and for me that always means that it'll be a week of struggling to stay pure.

So I went on cordnoy's phone call, trying to start my afternoon off right. It was fine, but I gotta warm up to it a bit before I can get involved and appreciate what's being said. It was a big move either way, calling into a lustaholic's conference. It was great to hear real Yidden sharing their thoughts about their path to sobriety.

Through the day I had some lust-triggering lonely feelings, but I was busy and being productive(!) so I was able to push them away.

And then I fell. Sorta.

I wrote in my opening post that I selfishly violate the privacy of others sometimes, which is the most shameful part of all this for me. Well, you can only spy if you can see, and being that there's a fair distance between me and one of my victim's house's, I couldn't see much the last time I tried. My lust wished that I had binoculars, and I knew that I had a pair somewhere in my house, but I didn't know where, so instead I tried using a camera to zoom in, but it didn't do much thankfully.

Today I was going through the back of my closet, and guess what I found. My binoculars. My first thought was, Oh no, I'm in trouble now. And my second thought was, Let's see how well they work; after all, my lust said, it's daytime and you won't be able to see anything, so why not try it out. And I felt totally possessed, totally powerless to fight the urge. I went to the window and aimed at my targets. Darn good binoculars they are.

Now I'm petrified that after two weeks of being on GYE and free of porn, wet dreams, and generally in control of my thoughts and eyes, I'm gonna take those binoculars tonight and once again be that pervert, that despicable dirt bag who lies in the dark, waiting for and watching people --my wonderful, frum neighbors--who think they are safe and have privacy in their own homes, and they have no idea that their top bochur ben Torah neighbor is actually their worst nightmare, trying hard to watch them as they go about their business.

Last Edit: 02 May 2016 20:56 by birshusi.

Re: I'm Finally Here 02 May 2016 21:02 #286357

Markz OFFLINE Platinum Boarder Posts: 8258 Karma: 428	You bring back memories of my youth, just behind the last corner Difference is I didn't have gye and now we both do!!
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Re: I'm Finally Here 02 May 2016 21:03 #286358

birshusi Current streak: 214 days OFFLINE Gold Boarder Posts: 298 Karma: 20	markz wrote on 02 May 2016 21:02: You bring back memories of my youth, just behind the last corner Difference is I didn't have gye and now we both do!! Well I need GYE to come through for me now or it's gonna be a baaaaaaad week.

Re: I'm Finally Here 02 May 2016 21:05 #286359

Markz OFFLINE Platinum Boarder Posts: 8258 Karma: 428	I think the first thing we gotta understand is that the binoculars is your friend Do you have any substitute?
	My Story---------Dov Quotes *FREE LUST TRUCK TOWING* *Click HERE to checkout;* • 100 Day Success Stories: cordnoy, Dov, Gevura and more... • Awesome Threads Saved for You • Cast Your Vote ➣ GYE Plenty Solutions ➣ The Mark of Torah - Lust Chizuk ➣ Nice Trucking Story

Re: I'm Finally Here 02 May 2016 21:47 #286365

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Birshusi wrote on 02 May 2016 20:55:

heck of a call!
heck of a share!

i tried slippin' today for over an hour; nothin' worked out.

Darn!

My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
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Re: I'm Finally Here 02 May 2016 21:53 #286367

Markz OFFLINE Platinum Boarder Posts: 8258 Karma: 428	Birshusi wrote: markz wrote: You bring back memories of my youth, just behind the last corner Difference is I didn't have gye and now we both do!! Well I need GYE to come through for me now or it's gonna be a baaaaaaad week. Birshus I have a surprise GYE position to bestow Can I give you the honors?
	My Story---------Dov Quotes *FREE LUST TRUCK TOWING* *Click HERE to checkout;* • 100 Day Success Stories: cordnoy, Dov, Gevura and more... • Awesome Threads Saved for You • Cast Your Vote ➣ GYE Plenty Solutions ➣ The Mark of Torah - Lust Chizuk ➣ Nice Trucking Story

Re: I'm Finally Here 02 May 2016 23:18 #286373

birshusi Current streak: 214 days OFFLINE Gold Boarder Posts: 298 Karma: 20	markz wrote on 02 May 2016 21:53: Birshusi wrote: markz wrote: You bring back memories of my youth, just behind the last corner Difference is I didn't have gye and now we both do!! Well I need GYE to come through for me now or it's gonna be a baaaaaaad week. Birshus I have a surprise GYE position to bestow Can I give you the honors? Uhhh...Sure, I guess.

Re: I'm Finally Here 02 May 2016 23:23 #286374

Markz OFFLINE Platinum Boarder Posts: 8258 Karma: 428	It's a little complicated... And you may get GYEs "in ~~toilet~~ house comedian"'s wrath Have you got guts?
	My Story---------Dov Quotes *FREE LUST TRUCK TOWING* *Click HERE to checkout;* • 100 Day Success Stories: cordnoy, Dov, Gevura and more... • Awesome Threads Saved for You • Cast Your Vote ➣ GYE Plenty Solutions ➣ The Mark of Torah - Lust Chizuk ➣ Nice Trucking Story Last Edit: 02 May 2016 23:26 by Markz.

Re: I'm Finally Here 02 May 2016 23:30 #286378

birshusi Current streak: 214 days OFFLINE Gold Boarder Posts: 298 Karma: 20	markz wrote on 02 May 2016 23:23: It's a little complicated... And you may get GYEs "in ~~toilet~~ house comedian"'s wrath Have you got guts? I trust that you have my best in mind markz. Be back after Mincha...