Hi there, let me start by introducing myself as a poshuteryid. The main reason I am writing this is because I feel that the best way to silently express oneself is through writing and not just mere thoughts alone.  That being said I would like to share my story.

i was introduced to porn probably at the age of around 10 but it's been so long I don't exactly remember. It started off as a simple misjudgment by my parents as they left me alone to do schoolwork on the computer. Of course the last thing they thought was that their 10 year old son would even dream of such things but little did they know. At the time I didn't even know what masturbation was and I would just watch porn and let the fantasies play out in my head. However it wasn't long until I learnt and started on a direct spiral downwards into guilt and self loathing. Yes, even at a young age I knew that what I was doing was terribly wrong but there was no stopping it now. Over the years it progressed getting worse and worse and there were points where I honestly wished in the bottom of my heart that I would get caught so at least my parents would help me through it despite the embarrassment that would ensue. However I was too good at not getting caught and even on the occasion when my parents suspected something, I was usually able to cover it up and they seemed to believe me. The worst part about it all is that on the surface people think I'm just a normal guy. And that is the impression I give off, just a normal guy learning in yeshiva with no dark secrets. Well I can go on forever about the terrible things I've done but to make a long story short, here I am at the age of 20, still the same me. While it saddens me to the point where I often cry when I'm alone, I just don't have the will-power to break free. If anyone can relate I'd like to hear and possibly talk about this thing that is my struggle.

Welcome!!!

You were born into a tough world, and are making the best of the situation


If you wouldn't have willpower you would not have signed up 3 months ago

The fact that you can't break free is usually not to due to lack of willpower at all, rather because of a shortage of sobriety tools without gye - that was my experience. 




Do you mean talk on the phone / in person?
If so, is there a trustworthy rebbe in your yeshiva you can speak to?
It's one of the most productive things one can do, if you're ready for it

Keep on Trucking
and Don't look back!!!

Welcome Poshuteryid,
if you are on gye, you are not so pushet anymore.

Read the Hanbook, and get connected to real and right people.
You should stay committed to overcome your battle no matter how hard it is.
your young, and now is the best time to recover.
You deserve a much better life
 

Welcome to GYE!

This a place where we can all relate to you. We are normal(?!) people just like you - yeshiva bochurim, fathers, rabbis, teachers,  etc. - who are, or have been, where you find yourself now. We're looking forward to getting to know you better, and growing together.

Hatzlacha!

skeptical wrote on 05 Apr 2016 12:44:


This is my 100th sensible post, so I have a long way to go in following your Steps

KOT

Welcome! 
I relate very much to your story, particularly to the issue of people thinking you're just a "normal" guy. I have a distinct memory of standing in the dorm hallway in my Yeshiva next to 2 guys who were shmoozing and somehow the conversation evolved and one of the guys said an inappropriate joke (it was actually pretty funny!). He then looked at me and said "You're too holy, you shouldn't be listening to this...". 
I felt very frustrated because unfortunately I was not acting very holy privately and I was actually desperate for some validation. As long as people had that perception of me as this "holy" guy I would never get any sort of validation. And I think that to begin dealing with this struggle it requires some validation: You're not crazy or a Rasha for struggling with these taavos and even falling for them. Most men struggle with this, albeit in different degrees of intensity. And without learning the right tools how to deal with it one is quite likely to fall. 

Joining GYE was a good start. This was the first time I felt validated and was really able to focus on working my way out of this mess. You can do it too! 
Hatzlacha! 

Poshuteryid wrote on 05 Apr 2016 04:46:

I relate, fellow "normal" 20 yr old here.

markz wrote on 05 Apr 2016 13:31:

Skep's steps are good to follow.
Skep may delete a post or two, but never his own. They are well thought out.

cordnoy wrote on 05 Apr 2016 14:36:

If you remove all my JHF posts my count shrinks very fast, but here are some stats

the.guard	87.20%
cordnoy	89.31%
markz	90.59%
skeptical	96.11%

Skep does have the highest rate of post survival 96%, but again it's less risky if you don't post as often at the great Cord'

Hi Poshuteryid,
I can relate to every word. Porn at ten, M soon thereafter etc... did some bad things over the years. I even have the distinction of having been actually caught by my parents! Though guess what.. that is just one more thing you can try that wont help. ( My parents did nothing except to lock one of several comp. for a while and to lecture me that I have to fight this. One lecture. 3 minute duration.) I'm still in kollel and people think I'm normal too (I think, I hope).
Its great that you found GYE at 20. I found it at 27 and the extra years make it all that much harder. And no, marriage does not help. Read the handbook. I found joining a call  and connecting that way to be very helpful for me. 
Hatzlocha rabbah.

Welcome!
Most of us can relate to a lot of what you wrote, I am 23 and I am so happy that I found this site a year ago... Get involved and you will soon be very happy as well!
Hatzlacha!!

Welcome Poshuteryid, take advantage of the advice from the gedolem (like Cordoy, Skeptical, and Markz for ex.) who brief the sight and take advantage of the ability to connect with others who are still struggling (like me). Don't lose sight of your goal and staying connected!
 

Hey Poshuter.  I'm pretty sure we can all relate (if you don't believe me, you can read their stories).  I know I can. I'm 28 now, but I remember when I was around 10 and overheard my older brother telling my father about a loophole in the parental controls. I was curious to see what he meant and I tried it out. Well as it turned out, my father hadn't plugged it up yet and...  you know the rest. If you want to talk or find out more, maybe post some questions or thoughts you have, or send a private message to some of the people who responded.

Hatzlacha!

markz wrote on 05 Apr 2016 17:27:

Mark: You know 45.474336896436% of statistics are made up.

Shlomo that stat of yours was just made up, mine are factual - checkit out yourself