...and welcome BEHS! Your story sounds like so many others here, so know there is hope that your life can be turned around.
Look around the site, check out the different solutions, and choose an approach that seems right for you.

Hatzlacha!

Thanks es laasos. I was actually about to post that, while I find this discussion about various people's definition of struggle fascinating, it doesn't really apply to me as I'm very much still in the trenches. The only way to explain my situation as not having to do with a struggle is to simply admit that I just give in before the struggle can take place. ​The problems typically come motzash"k and I have no clue why, but this was a really good week, Be'ezras Hashem, possibly because I've been more active on the site than usual. Hopefully that will help tomorrow night and I'll have good things to report come Sunday.

Gut Shabbos to all. 

BEHS wrote on 01 Apr 2016 19:14:

I have no way to know if this will help you, so just sharing what worked for me. I also used to find Motzai Shabbos to be a difficult time, and I think it was made more difficult because I used to get a really solid nap Shabbos afternoon and was well rested and a little restless at midnight when everyone else is asleep.
I still take a nap Shabbos afternoon (I think it's a mitzvah d'orayso, maybe even a chiyuv kores according to the Sefer Chidushim Meshunim) but I get up early Shabbos morning and the afternoon nap is a lot shorter, and I do my best to use the extra time productively.
My next goal is to not overeat on Shabbos...

BEHS wrote on 01 Apr 2016 19:14:

I had a very interesting experience with Motzei Shabbos. I always felt anxiety and stress and just not knowing what to do with myself. Of course my wife had to "put away Shabbos" and clean up etc becasue I was a basket case. But then I had a brainstorm: Maybe it would help if I actually spent some time right after havdala, cleaning up shabbos. I tried it and to my shock I felt much calmer after shabbos. I had a routine that I needed to do. It was physical not mental. It was something that just made me normal [hey what an idea ... normal :) ] The pat few weeks I [almost] look forward to it. It brings me a certain serenity that I did not have previously. Sorry if this sounds super weird, but I am just sharing what worked for me.

Sleeping on Shabbos (as well as the overeating) is almost certainly my problem. But it usually starts at 2 AM and sometimes goes to 6 or 7. I keep telling myself to stay up and learn in the afternoon, but sleep in general is the biggest problem in my life after porn/masturbation. But again, this has been a good week so hopefully things will be different. 

realsimcha wrote:

Real Simcha, I asked you a similar question earlier today, with no response, so I'll try again

How was your vibe with your vibe on recent Motzei Shabbos's different to previous weeks, since you were in 'present mode' with her?
Id think that can help you feel in a calmer state of mind too, and throws a wrench in our lust machine. Am i making sense?

Real simcha,

I'm sure your wife appreciates your help as well. In terms of my situation, my wife has already guilted me into helping long ago (just kidding, I do it semi-voluntarily). Interestingly enough, that's sometimes what leads me to a fall during the week as I clean up and my wife is asleep by the time I'm done. I'm tired of cleaning so I feel like I need to watch something and zone-out. 30 minutes later I click on another distraction which is an obviously slippery slope, 5 minutes later...

I find Motzei Shabbos as the most difficult time as well. I believe it's because I do the most lusting on Shabbos, walking to/from Shul multiple times and seeing/gazing at all the beautifully dressed women. When I allow the lust to build up I end up desperately needing a release, hence I would often find myself acting out on Motzei Shabbos. 
This is why focusing on not lusting to begin with has been so critical for me. And Motzei Shabbos has become my time to catch up on GYE reading! 

Have a great Shabbos everyone! 

Markz, Behs, BtBb,

It does help a ton that my wife is happier with me and it certainly does throw a wrench in the lust machine as you said so aptly [as always i may add :wink:]. But I doesnt seem to me that that's what made the difference. What made the difference was acting like a normal guy on a motzei shabbos, not a lusting out of control guy that i really was [am]. Also, not having to think, just do, and having a sense of accomplishment when it was done. Behs, when you say - ever so jokingly - about your wife guilting you into helping, it does make it sound like you feel when you are cleaning up your house as if you are "helping your wife". I would suggest you do something not for your wife. For yourself. "This is my house and I am gonna be mesader it a bit, because I am a human being, that can act in a serene normal way." try it. 
Btw, I never felt that my Motzei Shabbos issues came from the fact that I was lusting during the day. That type of lusting has never been my MO. The reason M.S was hard for me was twofold: Firstly, now its possible. On Shabbos I cant watch stuff etc [and I am grateful that I never crossed that line, I know some people do struggle with that and I dont judge them: this disease knows no boundries.] so when shabbos ends, all the stuff that excites me and sickens me at the same time is now possible. Secondly, the week is hard. bills, issues, pressure, job etc. Shabbos is like hiding in a cacoon. Its hard to leave the cacoon. especially if you never learned to fly. [too poetic?]

Real Simcha,

You hit the nail on the head.  I definitely help out around the house 100% for my wife's benefit.  Definitely she'lo lishmah.  Perhaps that's part of the problem.  Here's a standard scenario: my wife goes to bed and I've told her I'll clean up the dishes.  I don't really want to, but I know it'll make her happy.  However, since I don't really want to, I push it off as late as I can, until I'm falling over in my chair.  By this time, I may have been looking at porn while stalling, or it may just come about afterwards when I'm getting some "well-deserved" relaxation after having done my "chore".  If I had your mindset of cleaning my house because I want it clean, perhaps it won't be so taxing on me mentally and I'll be better equipped to just do it and go to bed without any problems.

BEHS wrote on 03 Apr 2016 07:14:

This business of watching porn because I "deserve" it is probably my hardest nisayon. And it goes in stages. If I just had a really busy day, then I "deserve" to "chill out" to a "good" tv show or movie. If I had a frustrating or humiliating day, then I "deserve" to watch a questionable tv show or movie. But if something "really bad" happens. Like bills I cant pay or a bad fight with my wife, then I "deserve" it all. Porn, shmutz ... 
Slowly .... real slowly ... I am learning that sometimes life stinks. Thats it. Everybody deals with bad days. Everyone has frustrations and issues. Everyone has ups and downs. And my stresses dont make me "deserve" anything. This is life. Its almost like its hard to just give. So after a certain amount of time giving I just have to take. With a heaping plate of food, a freezing cold soda/beer and an "awesome" movie. Learning how to skip that. How to take the breaks that I need to recharge but not to feel like I am deprived and that I need to feed the beast, has been one of the hardest things for me. I am encouraged to see that someone else feels that. Lets keep working at it together.

I know we have the concept of learning from others and seeing how far gone they have been by letting everything spiral out of control (the whole "hitting bottom while on top" approach), but honestly, that hasn't really spoken to me so much.  When I read those stories, it just makes me feel like that person is an addict and I have a much less severe problem.

But as you seemed to allude to, Real Simcha, seeing that there are others with the exact same problem as me, so much so that the situations I go through are almost the exact same as theirs, has really helped me put things into perspective.  I used to think that I was crazy for not being able to get this together and that I was hopeless in the rest of my life since I couldn't stop this one thing.  But seeing how many people say "your story is my story" really gives me hope that one day this will not be such a barrier in my life.  Maybe on that day we can get together and share that cold beer and stop there.

Your on for the beer. Thanks for sharing the ride with me. I am sure you can imagine how important it is for my journey when I get a response that makes it clear that we are in it together. Some people love to see how different they are from everyone else. [someone once told me that every addict thinks he's special.] Here, I like to discover how the same we are. Lets keep trucking together! L'chaim on our future beer!

realsimcha wrote on 04 Apr 2016 13:04:

Who was that someone? I wonder...  "All addicts suffer from chronic uniqueness."

Shlomo24 wrote on 04 Apr 2016 20:53:

Is that a quote from the big book? Its been a while...