I used to think my story was uniquely bad and that the fact that I couldn't kick this habit made me a bad Jew. If it's such an ever katan why couldn't I control it? I've been on GYE for a while now but only recently have I realized that I'm going to need to do more than the 90-day challenge to fix this. But I guess I might as well go back to when this all started...

I was in 6-7 grade and a few of my "friends" would talk about their favorite websites. They would just blurt out some seemingly innocuous URL in front of teachers. (I guess they thought that made them "cool" for some reason.) Being the naive and curious pre-teen that I was, I'd go home and find out what these were all about.​At first it was just curiosity, and it was certainly regular, but I don't think it really began affecting my life until college. My first year was relatively OK as I had a roommate. But from my second year on I found out that an 18 year old male with a laptop and a room to himself is a terrible recipe for disaster. I'd watch porn almost every night for hours, often until after sunrise. I stopped getting up for minyan, was always late for seder, and I completely wasted the opportunity to learn from and gain a relationship with my Rebbe, something that I desperately feel I could use now. 

My wife and I got married after college and I tried stopping for her sake. I couldn't stand the husband I was being. There were many nights I'd stay up late on the internet and she'd come out of bed to find me at 3 AM. I'm always good for an excuse so she never found out. And that's how 5-6 years later it's still the same. She eventually came to peace with the fact that my lack of kvius with minyan and a bedtime was my problem and not hers, so it doesn't bother her anymore. But I know that she deserves someone much better than me, both from a Jewish standpoint and just as a husband.

I have good periods here and there with a few weeks clean, but inevitably I'll click on a link that I know leads to a slippery slope and 5 minutes later it's a fall and 4 hours later it's 3 AM and I know there isn't a shot at getting up for shacharis, yet again.

So I guess that's my story in a nutshell. I've never told any of that to anyone before but I hear it's an integral part of the process. I'm also planning on starting another thread on my new approach to the 90-day journey. Thanks for listening.

You made it out of the group train (don't leave it please)

Welcome to the truck lanes!

Beep Beep
KOT

You made the right move to share your story. I can identify with many aspects of what you wrote. I do feel that I should mention something about what you wrote about your wife that she realizes that its your problem and it doesnt bother her any more. I promise you that that is not the case. It does bother her. She just does not talk about it anymore. She has given up. She feels that isolation and frustration and she worries, but she has learned to keep her mouth shut. Please. Dont leave it that way. Get help. Either with GYE or with other tools - and there are people here who can help with that - and repair your marriage. I know you think everything is ok. Ask your wife in an honest moment and you will see that I am right. You are strong and courageous. If you weren't you would not be here. Use that courage to be ready to grow and change. Put in the effort. Your life will never be the same. Hatzlacha!

Just to clarify, my wife still doesn't know (at least on the surface) about the porn problem. What I was referring to was specifically my getting up on time for shacharis. I know it still bothers her, but she used to take it more personally and now she has realized it's my nisayon and it's up to me to get to bed on time. 

I understood that. I am saying that the late mornings do bother her, and that she has a nagging uneasiness about the late night. She accepts your excuses but she is also unsure ...

realsimcha wrote on 29 Mar 2016 13:48:


You can't know for sure- years ago when I was watching porn all the time, I would be up in middle of the night bc one of the kids woke up and I would ostensibly be just surfing till the kid fell asleep and my wife would sometimes wake up. I'd say I'll be back soon and she didn't suspect anything. Ugh- I'm getting nauseous just remembering it. So much lying, hiding, and dishonesty.

But it's likely you're right on both accounts- about the Shacharis and the late nights.

BEHS,
Welcome! It is great that you are reaching out for help now. If you don't get out of this now, inevitably, it will lead to much worse things that can and will destroy your life, livelihood and reputation.
B"H, I found relief and I no longer struggle. I am a happy peaceful and relaxed person so the gift of breaking free is not just being free, rather your entire life will be enhanced and you will feel great, enjoying your real life relationships to the max!

Welcome BeHS as Harav markz shlitah would say keep on trukin 

pischoshelmachat wrote:

I don't mean to question but how can u possibly say u no longer struggle? Life is a struggle and we keep trucking. That's our job. That's why we are all here, even ppl like Dov Markz and Cordnoy. The last person who told me that he no longer struggles was me, and look how he keeps ending up...
no offense...

AkivaB wrote on 29 Mar 2016 20:21:

I don't struggle. If I'm struggling then I will inevitably act out. Also, I have found that when I talk about other people, I am wrong quite often.

Shlomo, very good!

I think we need to define "struggle"

Fantasies and other forms of lust are not a struggle. They are the test thrown into our plate

Akiva, How we react to the test is where apparently you assume it must be by a struggle. So please read Cordnoys story and Dov quotes to see how they react. I do not struggle, possibly like pischo, but I can't talk for anyone else

Some people's struggle isn't at the time of the temptation, but at the time of pesach cleaning.
They struggle to clean their house from chametz i.e. to remove inapropriate apps, and add filters, etc, They struggle not to go to SA meetings etc. and later when the YH gets them they feel a fight, when actually they lost the fight earlier at the time of בדיקת חמץ

This happens not to be the best day for me to talk about this because I am having a hard day, but in general over the past few weeks I have seen what it means not to struggle. Id does NOT mean that you consider yourself "better" or "healed" it just means that you have employed the tools, and the mindset that allows that insanity to be lifted on the hour to hour minute to minute basis. I wish it was something that stayed for the long term. And I think for people like Dov, it has reached that point. But only because they dont say that the struggle is over. and they dont say they dont need a program, and they dont say they dont need a fellowship. and BECAUSE they - and us hopefully - are not reading a lack of visceral struggle today as a reason to stop doing the work and working their - and hopefully our - program, they are able to go through the day to day life without that insane overpowering sick second by second struggle. 

Of course, what do I know, I'm just sayin'. Any old timer is invited to correct me if I am wrong which I very well might be.

markz wrote on 30 Mar 2016 10:47:


Mark,

Well done. I am currently not struggling because I am not toying or entertaining the idea of or fighting the urge to act out. However, I do get desires and sexual thoughts, and very strong ones at that. But I treat them no differently than a passing headache- they might be very annoying but they'll either go away on their own or maybe I have to take a Tylenol, but I'm not going to act on those thoughts and won't even fight with myself about it.

It means that I have to just BE, with or without thoughts, fantasies, and desires

Workingguy wrote on 30 Mar 2016 12:59:

I relate to this completely. Baruch Hashem, with the help of GYE I managed to climb out of the rut and now acting out isn't really on the table. But it doesn't mean I'm cured. I still feel the lust bubbling inside me from time to time, and I must be cognizant of this and simply "ride the wave" rather than let it take hold of me. 
In addition, I have a renewed commitment to Shmiras Einayim because I know it's the only way not to have to "struggle" with the lust. And while I may not always have time to post here, I make it a point to at least be connected to the "program" by reading the forums and the daily chizuk emails. 
Hatzlacha to all! 

Just adding my 2 cents of agreement.
I think acquiring the mental attitude that this is off the table is really powerful. Many (most?) of us have never been mechalel shabbos to satisfy our urges.
This idea actually came to me last week on Taanis Esther. For a stretch of 10 minutes I was really hungry. I know some people who are lenient on fasting Taanis Esther but personally I have always fasted as a matter of course. So just like WG compared it to a headache, I saw the similarity.
The desire to eat, or to be more specific, the discomfort caused by abstaining from eating was real, but so what; I will just get through the moment or 10, and eventually it will pass. Yes, there are differences, like the fact that the next fast is not for another few months and our fasts are never longer than a day, but the lesson feels valuable - especially if we can figure out how to make that mental change.