Thanks guys, I'm depressed inside, as the Psalms would put it "he drank form the bitter waters."

I'm new here, I guess I can say I've always been in this fight, there were times of waxing, and waning.  At times I'd be winning, and then losing. But I'm a tenacious, won't through in the towel just yet. Keep getting kicked to the curb, yet I'd get fired up to fight back more. Then comes the period of depression, feeling lax and sluggish. As Rambam put it. " The semen is  the light of his eyes." On the holy months of Teshrei and Elul, I can really feel a connection to Hashem, different from the rest of the year. Especially on the 10 days of awe. I try to squeeze out as much Elul, and Teshrei as possible. I find myself losing in the months of bitter Chesvan. The winter and summer lack many holidays. 50% Holidays are jam packed into Teshrei! I wish Teshrei would come sooner.

Nobody in my family understands what I do, and why I do certain things. Akin to a Superhero taking off at moments notice.

When I feel an urge coming on, I stop, drop, and push ups. Get the blood from the small organ (as the Talmud would put it as) "a man has a small organ, feed and it will always hunger for more, starve it, and it will be content." So I divert to blood from my small organ (hehe what is this gradeschool) to the Brain, and the arms.

I lose sleep in the night, the thought of billions of souls until eternity have been defiled. They scream (I may be crazy) "father, father, why have you killed us!"   

• Just like a person creates children through intercourse so to a person draws down souls every time he spills seed.
• These souls are immediately captured by the forces of evil who torture and starve them stealing all their energy for themselves.
• The souls brought down through a persons sins are also considered his kids.
• They are not to happy about the position their father put them in.
• After a person dies these souls come to take revenge on their father, causing him many problems.
• In addition they also come after his physical children and try to harm them.
• There are a number of halochos during the funeral and shivah that help prevent this. (Copy pasted, no credit for it, post down below.)

(truekabbalah.org/pages/documents/k00029.htm) Because just as saving one life is like saving a world until infinity , and killing a life is like destroying a world for all eternity. Because one person, will have kids. Say two, then they have kids and so on. Now imagine killing 2 million souls each time. Even the "smallest" of sins, is still hugely destructive  in the higher realms (it's just ours is so diluted you can think you have a separate existence from Hashem.) Now murder is one of the three cardinal sins, now multiply that by 2 million (the average sperm count) and multiply that each time I sinned. You can see why I quiver in fear in the night. As is said in the Bed time Shema, "there are 60 men trained in the art of war, a 1,000 enemy soldiers will die at your left side, and 10,000 at your right(I forgot the direction)."  In fact I'm losing sleep right this second. 

You can probably imagine the dread I felt after the sin of Err, and Onan. In fact, it was as if a demon possessed me (you believe it or not, I can't decide either, there are conflicting sources in the Torah) (There must be a resolution for that. Haven't looked for it yet.) Forgot G-d for that instant, for what? Losing both this world and the next, for momentary pleasure. This is more me pouring out my feelings to Hashem it's called Hisbodidute.

• One should do hisbodidute, pray spontaneously to G-D 
• This should be done every day on any subject, however one who was pogem should also pray to G-D to forgive him and destroy the demons he created.
• If one can, he should try to cry as he prays.

• When you try to stop and rectify your sins there will be crazy opposition from the sitra achrah. (Other Side) Not really because even this is a manifestation of Hashem's will, but not because he wants to give it life, but because humans were given free choice. (The Tanya goes into this.)

So I've not told my feelings but not my background. I don't want to give all my information away. (It's scary just how people can be destroyed on the internet G-d forbid.)


So hello, and thank you!

 

Welcome and hello!

Hi Leo, welcome. 

Thanks for the inspiration,  but we've heard it all already around here. 

What's your story, pal. 
 

Hi Yesod, thanks it really helps.

Been slipping for 2 year before this. But didn't know there was a community for this. Assumed nobody talks about it, and if you do you get ostracized.

I don't want to reveal everything, address, country, phone number ext.

As the video of the site says, "double life" one life is the outside facade, and the inner boiling cauldron. This is the cry of a soul droning in his own tears, and spilled blood. 

I have a hard time actually crying, western culture has pretty much beat emotions out of me. I'm scared to cry in the shul, even on Yom Kippur. (There's that guy that does in the Shul, pretty sure he's a Tzadik.) 

I guess that post was the only way to pour out my feelings. 

Oh my the dread I felt, I don't have nightmares, but that is one.

The Jewish community unfortunately is very hush hush about this. Either many are prudes, or are fighting personally themselves.

forward.com/sisterhood/194864/why-rabbis-must-talk-to-orthodox-boys-about-mastur/

This something Jewish parents should talk to theirs kids about. I will tell my future kids about it. 

I want to move to Eretz Yisroel. Here in America your bombarded by impure things each and everyday 24/7. In Eretz Yisroel most of the food is Kosher (it's like that in the US as well), the Haradis fight hard for Orthadox rights, everybody is like a brother and sister. I can feel a higher level of holiness in a Shul, I wonder what it's like to be near the Western wall?!



 

Yes, it is. A G-dsend, that is.

It is humbling to me that G-d has orchestrated this site's creation for me (בשבילי נברא העולם), because it represents my urgent need that He is addressing, and at the same time His fierce love for me, affording me the opportunity to remain close to Him.

I respect your feelings as you delineated them. As Yesod says they reflect the sentiments of many of us and that means you are in good company.

But I tend to focus on the other side of the equation. I believe that rather than spending a great deal of time thinking about the terrible consequences of what you you have done, you ought to be focusing on the wonderful opportunity you have to connect with Hashem.

We have 613 (plus seven miderabonons) avenues of connection with Him. This is unique to the Jewish people; the vast majority of the billions of people who inhabit the globe do not have this ability to connect. Of our Jewish brethren, there is a tragically small percentage who chose to follow His path. Most are תינוקות שנבאו, and are, at least for now, lost on the wayside.

Of the few observant Jews left, there are those for whom שמירת העינים ושמירת הברית are not נסיונות for one reason or another; they are either above this ordeal and are not challenged by it, or they are חס ושלום below it, and condemned to that way of life until they raise themselves to the level where they will be able to battle it, as Rav Dessler explains (their נקודת הבחירה).

It's just the rest of us who are entrusted with this mission of facing the test and acing it. You quote the Tanya. From פרקים כז וכח it is apparent that being in this situation with these נסיונות should cause a rejoicing rather than depression, because being exposed to this devastating יצר הרע (which, rest assured, I would recommend to no one) affords one the opportunity to fight it – by ignoring it – and thereby flooding the universe with קדושה.

In other words, there are very few people on this earth with the ability to be מקיים the מצוה of ולא תתורו. They are either unqualified (גיויים), unaware (not frum), or unequipped (they do not face the נסיון). That leaves the rest of us folks, whom Hashem has entrusted this percious מצוה. It is only we who can forge this particular connection with Him; we are the שלוחים of the rest of כלל ישראל, and by extension, the rest of the world, to draw this great Light of G-dliness to the world.

And then, of course, there is the quality of this Light. Each of us is unfortunately very familiar with the power of the יצר הרע in these ענינים. Can you imagine the intensity of the קדושה we bring upon the universe when we overcome that? Even temporarily?  מרובה מידה טובה ממידת פורענות It's far far beyond human comprehension.

That's so invigorating and encouraging. Why focus on anything else?

Hatzlacha

LeogoingShmiras wrote on 13 Mar 2016 17:32:

Oops....you gave it away!
Now we know and will come lookin'.

LeogoingShmiras wrote on 13 Mar 2016 09:07:

Hey leo,
Im new around here, but I was told by my rabonim that focusing on the very severe consequences of the avera of zerah levatala doesnt help staying clean in the future.

I was told, "keep it in the background of your mind, but use practical application to stay clean".  I havent yet reached 90 days here, but that approach definitely works much better for me.

My rebbe even forbade me from reading any of these seforim, that just freak you out.
For me, elaborating on the consequences just makes you depressed about the past, and the yetzer hara uses that to make you fall in the future, with the "ur a gonner anyway" approach. 

Oh and btw, when i went to yeshiva in israel i thought it would be much easier. No 24/7 tayvos like in america.... etc. In my case ( SSA) the yetzer hara came in a new form, possibly worse, but for sure as hard as in America.
Again, for me, practical application is what works.