HI all,
Iv'e been on the sight for a little over a year, tried many times the 90 day journey, usually messing up at around 20 - 40 days in. Recently I did it and made it to 123 days, and then I fell again this past tues, and again just now, Erev Shabbos Vayakhel. So I decided to post as maybe writing this for anyone to see will help. I think one of my biggest problems is that after I fall, I get back up (maybe not right away but usually within a couple of days) and then I am very aware of my problem, I talk to Hashem in almost every tefillah about it, am very vigilant about spending too much time on the internet etc. and after time (a month or so, this past time it lasted till after 90 days) I tend to forget that I have an addiction, and just go on with life as I never had one which is all good until I start slipping and then fall. Any suggestions? I know that 90 or 123 days is not a magic number and that i'm not "cured" but knowing that and actually living with that is 2 different stories. Thanks

Welcome!

I was in the same sinking boat before I found the Gd sent gye trucking crew

Hi ben Torah! Shuloim Aleichem! Good to see you here.

I have had the same problem and I think a lot of people have, letting our guard down.

I have found that constantly being active in this area, whether learning about this issue constanly, the consequences and rewards or constantly posting on this forum to keep you on guard.


Or whatever works to keep you in tune with the situation.

Chazak V'emutz!

We are never cured. We need constant chizzuk and we are always here to help each other.

Welcome,

This time around it should be B'hatzlachah.

bentorah101 wrote on 04 Mar 2016 17:37:

I have had a similar experience, I'm still not sure what the right answer is besides for just posting and to keep on coming to gye.
I will say that if there are things in life that are the catalyst for acting out then we can just keep on working on those issues, we NEED  to keep working on those issues untill we solve how to deal with it.
Also as many have said it might help to find a hobby etc. point is to get more involved in LIVING REAL LIFE

Welcome,
we all can relate in some way or another to what you wrote, but for me those times when i post and when i didn't don't compare in the slightest, so hatzlacha and keep posting!

Bh one week later,  erev shabbos pekudei, i'm still clean, the first week is often a hurdle for me, but bh it went smoothly. I noticed my name on the chart next to another user by the name of 2nd-chance and when i saw he was 7 days clean like me, but had a streak of over 700 days, i was quite intrigued and nervous. I read through his forum, it was uplifting but it also got me very nervous and scared, (i wouldn't say depressed though) that you can be clean for 700 days and then still fall and from what it seems, he hasn't really got back into the long clean streak yet.  I realize i need to take more steps or something if i want to be in this for the long haul, i just am too lazy/busy to do anything about it. I know how stupid this sounds but it's the truth.

So - Bt?
you have a plan?

BenTorah, I understand why your nervous. I've been reading more and more stories about people having a fall after being clean for a long time. But it seems that very often it happens because people get too comfortable and settled in their recovery and eventually let down their guard. So the key seems to be to try to constantly be actively engaged in recovery. I'm not saying this is easy, as after a while it can get boring. But I don't know that it requires any new steps as much as you have to be able to keep finding a sense of "chidush" to keep you focused. 
This is true in all areas of Avodas Hashem. The mantra is "B'chol Yom Yihyu B'einecho K'chadoshim"! 

Unfortunately not  

Hey BT! 



Thanks for writing and good idea - it does seem like it could offer some help for you.  I can't say that I have answers.  Sorry. But I also wonder about how long I can keep my streak going - 2 weeks of B"H very few temptations, a VERY rare luxury for me in recent history. A veteran who helps me says, "Don't worry about next month.  Just stay clean for today"- which of course drives me nuts, but I'm beginning to accept that there could be some truth to it. 



My approach so far is that for short term I am limiting my exposure to triggering situations as much as possible (I have an accountability partner to keep from TV, movies, youtube, etc.), but for the long term I don't know how realistic this will be.  My thinking is that my addiction will always win out over the plan of "constant vigilance". My long term hope is to learn how to recognize and defuse my lust before it becomes a problem - by leaving the house or situation, connecting to another person (friend or GYE member), exercising, turning to Hashem if I can figure out how to make that work for me, whatever.  So far the number 1 thing helping me though is making connections with real people through GYE phone conferences and stuff to help me figure out my plan.



I think it's ok that you don't have a set plan yet, but it seems like your experience shows that long term sobriety requires one. You had some solid streaks in the past though, so what kinds of things worked for you?



Best Luck! Hatzlacha and keep writing!

Welcome to the forums, and thanks for sharing.  Also, your clean streak deserves a huge kol hakavod!  Be proud, and be ever-vigilant.

As you took inventory over your most recent falls, did you notice any patterns that precipitated your moment of weakness?  Any similar situation, thought, emotion?

One thing I had to learn to avoid is over-excitement/exuberance about actually being clean.  I know it sounds weird, but I would get all hyped up on dopamine at the prospect of being sober, and that would lead, I guess, to me being just overly excited in general.  And that just leads to vulnerability to temptation.  In my own recovery world, I need to avoid lows and highs, and try to stay in the middle. 

Also, optimism about one's progress could easily be confused for actual progress.  I tend to jump ahead three months, to 90 days clean, after only a few clean days.  It's just easier to pretend I'm there, then to look at each day as an individual, sometimes difficult to obtain, unit.  This is where really taking things one day at a time makes a big difference!

BH still clean.

What is the white book that i see people always referring to?

 SA white book