Keep up the good work. Imagine a clean Purim!!

I fell!!! I don't know what to do, whatever I try doing doesn't work! How the hell am I supposed to break a cycle that I've been for almost a decade!!! 

Ouch!!!! I know how that feels. I have had struggles for over fifteen years. The only thing I can say for myself is that I dont give up and I dont keep trying the same thing again and again.  Besides for therapy over years, I also speak to a close friend who is my partner in this struggle. In addition, I post on this site every single day and I also have other tools that I started doing that help. So far this has been working for me. Everyone has their own recipe, from minor chizuk to SA meetings and 12 steps. So ... be proud of what you did accomplish, then dust yourself off and get back in the game. But do something different this time...

I have been trying different things forever and nothing works. I'm helpless! I don't have any legitimate things that help me, or at least that have worked for me

Please please read this short page here from begining to end

Let me know if you find anything interesting

Keep on Trucking!!

Fb2016fbt wrote on 23 Mar 2016 04:43:

Can you list the things you have tried (without elaboration) please?

Now I'm beginning to question my entire foundation of my yiddishkeit. Since I'm really upset, I missed davening this morning, Seder, and currently shiur, and I don't exactly feel like I care to go. It's almost as if my drive I usually have just disappeared, or was never really real?

These are days of lema'la min hazman, so no stress!

btw if you have a few min, could you try answer cordnoys question, at least meet him halfway

I have learnt seforim about Shmiras einayim, which after being on gye, it seems that the oilam doesnt think that it helps. I wrote all the bad things that come out of my actions-it was a humongous list- and that hasn't helped me. I've also read through the gye book, read a bunch of articles on the web site, I tried taphsic which I think is a joke now bec it never changed anything inside of me instead of stam having repercussions. That's what I could think of all regel achas. 

Shkoiyach, these days are lemala min hazman, so should I go through Purim pretending to have a great time and thinking about the yesodos of Purim when I need to think about the yesodos of yiddishkeit which se a tad more important???  I guess I could just drink and forget about all my problems, although I don't think that would make any sense. But I'm not going with my seichel anyways these days, so maybe I should just drink tonight and tomorow and enjoy

Fb2016fbt wrote on 23 Mar 2016 16:26:

thank you.
here is our list after decades of failed attempts:
1. therapist
2. gye
3. social worker
4. calls
5. meet others
6. SA meetin's
7. another therapist
8. Sponsor
9. Work the steps 5 times
10. Talk, meet, call, email others in the same boat

b'hatzlachah to you
and a freilichen Purim

Fb2016fbt wrote on 23 Mar 2016 15:47:

This is exactly what I have done in the past. I noticed though that my 'questions' pop up more when I am in the stage of acting out than when I am sober. I have been through the yesodos of emunah many times. And I don't mean the Rambam. I have thought through do I really believe this. Does it make sense to me logically? What does make sense and what seems to be questionable... I have concluded on the things that are most logical to me regarding emunah... but it didn't help with my acting out. - talking to others does. You fell.. Ok not very pleasant to say the least - For me, the guilt and depression usually set in at this time and I go on a spiral downward of remorse, isloation etc... I'm not very happy camper in that scenario. 

Nothing will take back the action you did (not referring to teshuva or religion). You acted out. Does that mean you were not sober though? If indeed it means that the basis of your sobriety was faulty (which it doesn't) but if it did... So what? So then reexamine sobriety. Most importantly talk with some other people. Who on this site has not experienced what you are feeling now a thousand times... Isn't that why we are here... We are all powerless against this (as individuals). As a group though we stand a chance. 

Hope you'll take me up on my offer to chat. 

Hey fb, sorry to hear. 

It's not called the ultimate struggle for nothing.


Everyone who persists despite slips and falls eventually has a breakthrough. 

It is a process,  every pruta is mitztaref to a cheshbon gadol, as long as you keep the positive more than the negative you are making progress. 

It took me fighting hard for the last 8 years to have the current sobriety i have,  and it was thanks to trying new things,  and new levels of commitment. 
Otherwise I'm the same fool. 

As they say if you ain't drunk, you just more booze,  
and if you ain't sober you might need some more....

I dunno,  i could fall tomorrow,  and my words can got me in the face. 

Just do your part,  keep on working,  try new things,  (post twice a day maybe, why once)
And hashem should grant you success. 

A freilichen purim 

Fb2016fbt wrote on 23 Mar 2016 15:47:

It doesn't mean it was never real, with myself I know it was real at one point its just normal to feel down after a fall & I hope you enjoy your purim to the fullest you possibly can!
Hope we all hear great news from you soon.
A Freilichen Purim!   Keep smiling because being upset & sad doesn't help us stay clean.

That's prolly the simplest way to putit. its normal to feel down after acting out.