Huh shteebs?

OTR wrote on 21 Feb 2016 01:25:

When you say, "it's," are you referring to the 12 steps, or schar v'onesh?

12 Steps schar v'onesh has not done anything for me in about 30 years of struggling. I was on my phone before and just wanted to get that thought out. But I mean more that, I can not face this challenge and think about scahr vonesh. I can't work with religious guilt. The more I go along the more I just come to terms with what I have done from a religious perspective. Will I go to hell forit? maybe. BUt that is not why I want to change.

Honestly, I am dead in that respect. As far as I am concerned with G-d, this is just how I was made. I try, tried, kill myself hate myself for doing it... read mussar, davened..... Nothing in religion has worked. From that standpoint, I am too depressed and numb to burnt out to feel anything as a motivation of wanting to get sober as coming from  the religious sense.

More on this I have come to realize it really is not my fault I was made with this challegne. It is not something I caused. I definitely fell into it. But I a predisposed to this sort of thing and displayed abnormal sexual action at a young age. I even see the difference in my kids. One is clearly an addict. It is not this kids fault, they were born this way and had troubles from a very early age even before they knew what they were doing.... I was the same and I have come to terms with myself in that respect. 

I want to be sober because I hate being ruled by my addiction. Because I hate feeling like an animal. I hate whiling away my opportunities for parnasa and nice family interaction in exchange for acting out. I hate giving away my self respect and self control to it. 

That's what I wanted to get across. 

I am starting my first step inventory. I know in the past when I have done this it was pretty powerful. Unfortunately I have some more deeply humiliating things I need to face and I will.

 

I have a lot to say about this thread... 

1) GYE/videogame: My experience is that while I do spend a little (ok, a lot) more time on GYE than I should, I still am generally being productive and helping others/myself. I actually avoid the JHF thread and certain other joking threads. I personally don't like the idea that levity should be restricted to a section of the forum. I wouldn't have those threads personally. Recovery should be pleasant no matter what. However, I am thinking that I might start reading them again because I am feeling a little bit out of the loop on things. I come to GYE almost exclusively for recovery, but being that others don't I miss some things. And I don't like that feeling, especially when I am a decent presence on these forums. The forums are different than they were a year ago and WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY different then they were before my time. Practically all the Old Timers, (Zemmy, TZ, Lizhensk, Pidaini, DMS and others), are not on these forums anymore. From reading previous posts I feel that the general atmosphere of the forum changed.

2) OTR-12 Steps: I completely agree with some of your sentiments. Judaism didn't save me from acting out, but that isn't a problem. It's reality. Nothing will stop me from acting out but a power greater then myself. While I was not practicing and genuine Yiddishkeit, it still didn't stop me. My experience is that God filled me with spirituality so I don't need to act out. Once my pacifier is removed, I need something to replace it and that will be lust 571% of the time. Will I go to hell for some of the things that I have done? Probably. And while that makes me a little sad, it's reality and I need to face it. I once heard in a shiur that krias shema all hamittah kills the mazikim who are created when sperm is released. Did it stop me from acting out? HELL NO. But I sure kept on saying it. I have since broken away from those mindsets that were toxic for me. I am not staying sober for yesterday. I am staying sober for today, tomorrow is a mystery. I could go to hell tomorrow but that doesn't change a damn thing.
Additionally, I think the topic of shelo lishmah was mentioned about the 12 steps. No one joins the 12 steps because they want to. Do you think that I want to have to go to 3 meetings a week and make calls and do stepwork? Not at all. But I NEED to. Willingness is a necessity for sobriety however. God won't take away the bottle if I keep pulling it back. But that does not mean I need leshmah as I think it was being referred to. If I don't feel willing, I ask god to grant me the willingness. He hasn't let me down yet when I am sincere about it. As long as I am sincere and truly connecting to him then he can answer. If I am not sincere then I am not talking to him anyway so how can he possibly answer?

3) Dry drunk: WG mentioned this topic. My personal experience is that I don't have the luxury of being a dry drunk. I am so far down the line that if I am not active in my recovery, maybe even as active I was in my addiction, then I will not be technically sober for long. Which is why GYE helps because there is always content here and always opportunity to help. Which brings me back to the videogame question. I'm happy that GYE is a place that I can spend a lot of time on it. It keeps me on my toes.

Peace Out. 

P.S: What is toameha'ing?

Thanks for offering your perspective. HOw do you feel that the forum has changed I have not read the old posts. From what I see I think that it is pretty much the same, but I have just gotten back on so I could be wrong. 

Toamehaing- Seems to be a hebringlish word that means noshing on erev shabbos food. I think. Or is somehow related to that. 

OTR wrote on 21 Feb 2016 03:22:

And today you are sober. and today you are not ruled by your addiction. so breathe it in. We dont know what tom will look like but we can enjoy the feeling of a sober day 
Day 3 for you!!! Amazing work. 

Shlomo,

I'm relatively new to the threads, but I've noticed that all those guys are gone. How do you see the threads as having changed?

Go to the beginning (or middle) of some really long threads. When I first joined a year and a half ago most of them were active.

Shteeble wrote on 21 Feb 2016 01:29:

Shteeble, I also misunderstood OTR - and got what you said initially.













Keep the tomatoes for me

Yeah glad I clarified that. Had a little problem today... Part of my problem has been chat platforms, speaking with people and getting into various sorts of trouble through that. - Today I got a reply back on a platform that I rarely ever use, but did not uninstall mistakedly. I saw the message and it was hard for me. BUt I deleted and uninstalled that platform.

What I am realizing though is that alll the filters, webchavers etc... They really can't hold you back. THat is what is scary as hell to me. There are easy ways around all of this..... When I first realized this, I decided to make nedarim to keep me in safe activity... but that did not work out too well eventually.... Am I wrong in concluding that the only way this is going to get better is if I work the steps and toward recvery with G-ds help? If there were a way to safeguard myself and totally cut myself off from porn I would.. but it seems with the way phones and tablets are built there really is no way. It is always a click away. 

Each man has to find the tools that work for him, 12 steps can be great!!!


OTR wrote:

Many of us aren't scared of hell, so the analogy is like comparing tomatoes to my nose - which....











ouch



Moreover, I think cordnoy said "what is hell in any case"

Mark: I thought aspies were supposed to have poor social skillz, u sure are funny 

Shlomo24 wrote:

#1 I'm a mild Aspie, don't let anyone tell you otherwise (laugh here)
#2 Humor replaces the lally pally social niceties that aspies aren't too interested in (cry here)

I'm not one for lally pallys either and prefer getting to the point. I wonder if I have some sort of aspergers... Anycase, today I woke up with a thought and a fwe words on my tongue... 

"There's a lot of sobriety out there waiting to happen... go out there and get some!"

Another thought, which I posted on my new GYE mini-community, GYE has opened up to a lot more these days. Younger guys are more common, non-addicts are also more common. This is positive in some ways as regards addicts like me being able to see how normal people deal with this area of life. BUt in a way I do feel a bit inhibited also. I am looking for my 12 step platform. Could be that is only part of what GYE is about these days, and will be about for me going forward. 


.. And oh yeah.. some guy called me "gramps"- Thanks dude that was real sweet... ya whipersnapper...