117 Cumulative Clean Days/ Streaks don't matter....

I decided I am not going to post the streak count anymore, at least for now. My focus is on creating a life of sobriety and each day, regardless of a streak of being clean is valuable. I want to teach this to myself partially because one of the things holding me back is a fear to committ and turn my life entirely over to God. I always have let myself down doing that. I want to be clean just for today. 

On a separate note, I had a tough morning. One of my key problems is just thinking. We may call it hirhurim, but it's more than that for me. I don't just have a thought, i focus on it intentionally, and ignite the lust within me to the point where I invariably wind up acting out. The danger of this is that I convince myself each time that I am not acting out, I am just thinking, just meditating so to speak on this lustful thought. Technically that is not a breach of sobriety as I define it, which is 'sex with self or anyone other than my spouse.'. But it is one of the main areas where I get into big trouble. I suppose it is in the same category as 'watching porn, but not acting out' which also would not cause me to reset my personal count. But it's a bad thing for me to do. It has never led me toward more sobriety, happiness or any kind of satisfaction in life. 

True True True.

For me it sometimes becomes: "its not a question of if it will be worth it - I absolutely need this. Doing it is the only thing that will take away this pressure/anxiety/anger/depression . . . " Its interesting because Cords wrote yesterday that the only motivation that works for him is i have to remain sober. And after thinking about it I realized that he is right. Everything else is debatable. This is the only ironclad truth. We cannot do this. So here you have the two sides: I have to act out vs. I have to remain clean. Here is where the fight gets for me. And my avodah becomes realizing that i have to remain clean because my life depends on it -- and I have to act out is only a feeling that is happening right now and not a reality. hope that made some sense.

It made perfect sense. Thank you very much for taking the time to write this. 

OTR wrote on 16 Mar 2016 15:06:

I find it interesting that you stop writing the streak when you had a bump in the road... Be proud of it! You're an inspiration to others! Even if you don't want to show off...

OTR wrote on 16 Mar 2016 15:06:

Honestly speaking I dont understand the concept of how watching porn would not be considered acting out. According to what I've been reading here and elsewhere, when a person is watching p his brain is experiencing sex as if he is doing it. Is this something doable -- not including that in your definition of sobriety? Just asking. It seems to me that it is asking for stress and aggravation. I mean is it really possible to watch p and have serenity? Maybe for some ... but for us? Confused.

Thanks for reading my thread and responding RS.

I am defining sobriety as I have seen it in SA literature which is to "Not have sex with anyone other than my spouse, including myself (masturbation)"  

That said watching porn is a baaaaaaaad idea. I don't recall ever watching porn and not acting out. I also don't recall ever watching porn and feeling good about myself.

So porn is a big no no for me. Defining it this way is not an attempt to rationalize watching porn. BH, I have not had a terrible desire to watch porn lately and I attribute that to Hashem's help and the step work I am doing daily. Actually I am noticing now that in some instances I am more averse to the regular images on teh web and in person than I was before and I am happy about that.

If defining sobriety in this way will lead a person to feel more anxious about wanting to see porn then that is probably not the right way for them to look at it. I have found that, for me and for now, using this program, and this definition feels good in a healthy way and has lessened my propensity toward porn/ the anxiety I feel about wanting to watch it. Presently I don't have a filter on my device either, because they are basically useless to me. The addict in me has learned enough how to circumvent them regardless of how many fences I put up. I came to realize that there is no way for me to put on horseblinders and remove the ability to find porn in my life. Like an alcoholic who can not ban alcohol from his environment. And if I did... I'd find it on the phone, or just my own imagination. I acted out for decades without porn. ONce I got on the internet it just made it much easier to see things.. But I was an addict lonnnng before the www hit the scene.

I realized that the main fence i need to work on is the one I have been sitting on inside my heart- the one that does not want to give up lust in all its forms. THe fears I am using lust to allay. 

Somewhat related, I was thinking for a while, that it is kind of important for GYE guys to realize that the program was written not only for people who masturbate however obsessive that addiction may be for us. It was written (and has HELPED) for people who are having sex, real sex with the wrong people. People who are going to bars to pick up a partner for a one night stand, having sex with strangers, prostitutes....live affairs, massage parlors... All this existed without the internet for centuries. THe internet just made it easier and more accessible. BUt the problem and the solution have always been there.    

 It's not pornaholics anonymous, although porn is definitely an accessory to the acting out. But the acting out is SEX- either with yourself or with others who you are not supposed to have sex with.  

This is just where I'm at with this.... I make no claim to understand or be able to give advice, direct or profess sheetas for others. 
 

118 Cumulative Clean Days/ Streaks don't matter....

Had a rough patch 2 days ago and yesterday morning. I realized what this was coming from though and it is to a degree associated with an external challenge in the area of taharas hamishpacha right now. Realizing this has helped me gain a measure of objectivity and understand why am I having a hard time now. THe next step is putting into action the steps and using my group for chizuk. BH I feel good today. I want to stay sober the rest of the day and keep adding to my cumulative clean days in life. I wish I knew how many clean days I had behind me before I started counting. Those days are also worht something. 
 

I understand what you are saying. Parts of your approach would never work for me. Like the one we discussed and the idea of no filters (although I agree with your points there I have just found another approach that works. But thats for another time.) But either way, we each have our own journey and my poison could be your medicine. In any event, I respect your hard work and I am rooting for you and your success.

realsimcha wrote on 17 Mar 2016 19:01:

Mark: This is an early nominee for quote of the year. Beautiful! Very well put.

Yes it is very true, what is one persons poison could be another's medicine. I agree with that entirely. One thing I am learning in this is that.

The power and reason we are all here is to learn from one another things that DO work for us, because although we may approach somethings differently, and should based on whatever works for us, there is always what to be learned through talking and hearing the experiences of others. 

Thanks RS for reading and sharing your honest opinion... and rooting of course! 

125 Cumulative Clean Days/ Streaks don't matter....

Have been a little short on time lately, but getting back on to my post. Lchatchila I am trying to post on this thread once a day..... We'll se how that works out I guess. BH I am sober today- and have 125 cumulative days of sobriety to be happy and thankfull about. I saw an interesting thing today it is the pic attached. It's from weight watchers. They recommend a person develop a strategy for what to do when they go a little off track. This got me thinking...

On the one hand I am trying to prepare for that as well. On the other hand, I am trying to work on the idea that even a little lust is NEVER acceptable. It's kind of a contradiction between those two. As if I really reallllllllllllly commit to that 'never again' idea, what business is there in preparing for it.... But logically, it is very sensible to do such a preparation 'in the event of...'

Thoughts from the oilam?    

Cumulative Clean Days: 129/ Streaks Don't Matter

ok Purim passed pretty well. Actually had a great Purim, very little hangover and Shabbos had the whole family over which was nice and not too stressful either. 

Mental note: I think I have to stay away from even pareve totally clean meditation tapes and relaxation recordings. Although I was trying to utilize this for the good, it seems for me now these tapes are triggering and have the ability to influence me toward acting out. 

I hate you porn!!!. Still sober, but having a rough few days lusting and wanting to act out. 

Well this is not a pleasant thing to report but I acted out. I had been feeling less enthused over the last week or two and well.... I just got back to doing what I have done in the past and there you go... I acted out. My goal at this point is to try and make sure that this does not turn into a full blown- no more posting on the forum for 3 months or longer, forget about sobriety stage of life. 

I need to make sure that this disease does not take over my life again as in the past. Being completely pre-occupied with porn and forsaking my business, wife, kids, friends etc... obligations in life.... 

Will write more later. I have not been on the forum too much lately.....

Sorry to hear

You came back right away -THATS IMPRESSIVE TRUCKING

Slip's can happen to any of us occasionally
The great man like OTR is one that doesn't stay in the Dumptruck repeating the same mistake
Fell Shmell
KOT!!