Workingguy wrote on 24 May 2016 01:13:

I learned the hard way that it gets harder as time passes. I wish I would have disclosed more when I was younger.

realsimcha wrote:

I hear what you both are saying and it seems as you are gearing more forwards the wife more then the Rabbi. I'm starting to see the distinction between the two as I have been reading some of  the links Markz was kind enough to share. Haven't finished and still not clear on the subject, but it seems at least so far that basically the main consensise it not to share unless  far down the path of sobriety. RS, I feel you are empathetic with me that I can't stand the fact that my wife hasn't stressed on anything more than she doesn't like secrets. But seems more complicated than that and I guess I have to first see if I want to push myself into telling my Rebbe. What are thoughts

Just to clarify: I think you should not say anything to your wife without hadracha.

A lot of emotions thrown around today for many different reasons. Stress. Frustration Sadness. But here I am with tears on my face, thankful for everything I have. Thankful to be healthy. Thankful I have an amazing wife. Thankful that I was sober today. Sadness can be looked at as a bad thing, but I think it's ok to be sad once in a while. Its a real feeling that comes with life, unlike the fake feelings that come with porn. I am grateful that at least for now I can live life and everything that comes with it. 

Another rough day. Got through it pretty much exhausted and unable to complete what was needed to be done. In bed feeling pretty low. I have been working on the one day at a time thing which helped me for everything on top of how it's used on GYE. I use it to take away all my stress that am accustomed to have. I simply give it over to Hashem and focus instead on the present. As my day I gone with little done, I see that I failed to even do the present. And now I realize that perhaps hat is true. Perhaps I don't have control on the present as much as the past or future. I can just do what I can. 
This ODAAT thing has really been helping me. Thanks to whoever was michadesh it.

Life is full B'H. With good things. It's just hard to get recovery steps inside of it all. Will have to work on that. Friday hectic like usual but i will keep doing this one step at a time. Will try to focus on doing more than its hard to do. 
One thing that will hopefully work out is a partnership. Been taking to someone last week here and there, and hopefully he'll read this. Last time I spoke to him was only for a few minutes and the one thing he wanted to get out was that he doesn't want to stop. I have why to say on the matter but I'm afraid I'm too new at this to be confident on what I feel on the matter. Also know that I have felt similar feelings in the past and don't want that to come up again. What do guys have to say to someone who insistes that he doesn't want to stop but yet is on the forum and talking to me?

Oh and forgot to wish everyone a healthy sober shabbas

I don't know, but if he dont wanna stop and you are stuck looking for a partnership,  lemme know. 
But i figure he wants to,  cuz why else would he be here. .. it's fun here but there is "funner"

If a person really really doesn't want to stop and is here just because of some nagging guilty feelings...I don't know if there really is anything to do. Maybe you just need to encourage him to keep in touch and hope that when that moment comes he has the support that he needs...

Thanks RS and Yesod.. Will keep those in mind.

But I remember all too well those periods that I didn't want to stop. I did it enough times to make me think that is who I am. That is who I want to be. My fantasizing took me over so much that I lost touch with myself completely. Did I feel empty? Yes. Did I actually believe that I am ready to throw my life away and pursue a new life of tivah? Probably not. However, I probably would of debated the latter one then and at least at that time- in my warped and confused mind I would of went full steam ahead with filling the emptiness with other stuff. Don't want to dwell in those times too much- they were bad. Real bad. I just have to accept them as part of my history, and fear and hope I will never go back there again. Rock bottom is painful. 
Just curious how to address this confusing issue and reconcile how I can or (anyone else?) have such a drastic and different view. 
I assume that concept of aveiras dulling the guilt, permitting it, and then "biting Talmid Cacham" thing comes into play.
I spoke to him again today and he said that he wanted to change but doesn't want the pain about going about it and is nervous what will come about in the process (or something like that) this I think is easier to address, but got me thinking about the first concept. 
But despite my small opinion on these things, would be nice to get some feedback as I don't trust myself that I will never go back to these feelings. Do I think I will? Of course not! But learning from my past can't be too confident on anything 

Been doing OK. B'H. I've been having these slight pressures through out the day that eerily reminded me of not such good times, but I'm not going to freak out about it. Am I supposed to try to figure out why I am having these feelings? Or ignore them move on, and just concentrate on what I'm supposed to be doing? I'm  embarrassed to say that this morning a old trigger of thinking could get past restrictions on phone came up and the exciting feeling was there. For less than a minute. But was there. Not going to freak out.. Think I learn already that freaking out isn't a good thing.

A therapist can help understand why

Someone unprofessional may just get stuck on the highway obsessing

From what I heard, the 12 steps can help.. alot

Remember that it isn;t your job to make him stop. He'll only stop once he decides to. You can keep encouraging him of course, but don't feel bad if he leaves, it isn't i your hands.

It sounds like he may need a real dose of ODAAT. Ask him to just stop today, what happens tomorrow will happen tomorrow, try it for one day. 

I'll daven for this to work out.

markz wrote:

I see from your response that I shouldnt just move on. But shouldn't focus on it either unless I have a therapist. I must put aside the therapist rout for several reasons but will keep that rout open I guess. So since leaving the therapist rout aside for now, I decided to go with your first thing o got out of your response and ignore the second. I thought about it, and came up with that think the pressure wasn't from ant particular event. I would originally would of said simply because I need excitement- and sitting in a chair all day learning/studying doesn't cut it. But I actually had a quite nice and different day today, so it could either be that even so I have this insatiable need for excitement or its just the nagging feeling of the addiction brewing inside me. Or both. Or neither. K. So assuming it's these things, would like to know how to address them. I have mentioned a while back my excitement thing. Then it was about transferring the excitement of porn to the excitement of beefing porn which isn't healthy as excitement of anything doesn't really last. As Ina so eloquently said, I can't make recovery the goal. The goal is life and this is just a means to get there. fine. I got that. But doesn't tame this restless feeling. This probably needs some introspection and perhaps therapy. In regards to the addiction brewing inside me, that sounds really scary and would prefer not to even thing about what that would entail. Any thoughts on this obsessing of mine?
In regards to the 12 steps. I am an am haarerz and haven't had the time to read it. So saying so, I don't see the relevance to my issue 

inastruggle wrote:

Not sure if ODAAT will address fully the trepidation of all the work this entails. It takes a lot off the shoulders but as far as I know (which isn't much) it doesn't take away that this takes a lot of effort (unless the "giving over to Hashem concept argues with this", no idea). The ODAAT takes motivation as well, which still feeling out how much is there. But I hear what your saying. 
Interestingly enough, he pointed out the thought of never being able to watch porn again scares him as well. You addressed this a while ago with ODAAT. I guess you were saying that this makes it not committing anything except today.  
BTW I have been referencing a post you made a while ago that I took a lot out from and still thinking about the concepts. Just wanted to let you know that. Thanks for the davening.. I'll take as much as I can!