Hello everyone, I just discovered GYE a short while ago and this is my first post. Please excuse the monologue in advance, but just being able to express myself in writing to fellow Yidden who can identify with my struggle makes me feel better. Iv'e been carrying around my dark secrets silently for too long.

So here's my story: I'm 25, married with a 3 yr old B"H. Unfortunately porn and masturbation are issues Iv'e been struggling with for over a decade. The truth is that from the time I got engaged until a while after my marriage I was free of all issues, even hirhurim for the most part. But the spell doesn't last forever, and slowly shmiras einayim/ hirhurim became bigger struggles. Then a little over a year ago, between having marital intimacy issues combined with the loss of an unborn baby I fell back into porn and masturbation. Since then I have not been able to break free from it for more than a few weeks at a time. I feel like crying after acting out and I really hate that other self of mine, but I don't know how to deal with the lust which bubbles up inside of me.

I don't think the issue starts with porn. Very often the trigger is something else, and the porn is just an outlet for my lust. For example, Motzei Shabbos (like right now as I'm writing this) is often one of the hardest times for me. This is because of all the gorgeous women I see over the course of Shabbos day, whether intentionally or not. I honestly don't know what to do about this. I often feel like just staying indoors the whole Shabbos and davening beyichidus. But I'm getting sidetracked...

So there you have it. I want to start a 90 day run, but I don't know that I'm equipped. Any help/advice/encouragement/pointers etc. will be very much appreciated. I am confident that along with the great chevra here at GYE and with Hashem's help I can break free!

Welcome!

Gut Voch, welcome aboard. I relate alot to what you wrote, however I don't think the issue is the beautiful woman you see over shabbos. That is part of your acting out. In my case, it was stress and feeling down, which causes me to act out and pursue lust. Try to look at your triggers, keep a log of the events before acting out and try to eliminate that from your life. I might be totally off with my assessment, but eliminating stressors never hurt anyone yet! Reach to other people with more experience. Hatzlucha Rabba!

Welcome,

Look around.

Read other people's threads and see what works for them.

b'hatzlachah

Welcome!!!
Looking forward to getting to know ya' better, don't be a stranger.

Welcome!!!

I just wanted to say that I am the same way. Porn isn't my problem, it actually is my SOLUTION to my life which is unmanageable to me. I use porn and masturbation to numb the pain of my life... So welcome aboard and have a look around.

Welcome and I share your struggle.

M shabbos is the hardest for me as well. It can be on a very cold M shabbos where not a single lady walked out of their house because of the cold over shabbos. And so it happens to me without seeing ladies dressed up. Although yes I'll admit its ever worse on a nice weather days. But its hard either way. I think there are lost of side triggers. For example, certain foods bring our minds urge the cravings for lust. I think cholent and overnite kugel are not the best foods. And then sleeping on shabbos makes us bored and staying up late klutzing around are all triggers as well. I try not to sleep shabbos afternoon any more. Just to be clear for a non lust addict these things will a have a very little effect. But for addicts like me it does matter. ( i use the word addict loosely. I don't mean addict like a real addict since who knows. Rather I mean addict as one who has been lusting often.)

I just want to share with you my life experience which may differ from others. BH I have no life pain or major stresses and actually live a pretty happy life with a beautiful wife & children. I do struggle with parnasa but BH I scratch enough to pay my bills. In my case I can see no conceivable reason why i lust other than once I started I just can't stop. In my case its just an addictive pull for no other reason other than the enjoyment I get out of lust. My life is plenty mangeable to me. So if you are experiencing stresses that you feel may trigger lust yes as the other wise men on GYE suggest, address those issues. But if you don't find them like me, don't then don't give up. Just realize that lust in it of itself is very enjoybale and hard to rid oneslef of.

Lust is easy to rid oneself of.

Oh yes markz just how easy??? And I am quite glad that it was so easy for you. BH you don't have to struggle like me. But realize that its not easy for all of us Please show me the easy road??

12 steps is easy????? Because it ain't easy for me.

waydown wrote:


Wow!
I am full of envy.
No stress, no haughtiness, no fear, no resentment, no anger, no worries, no strife.....pure bliss.

May the RBS"O continue to shower you with such shalvah.

markz wrote:

Actually I don't know if it's ever possible to rid of lust.

I'm referring to the struggle. It's difficult to get on the truck, but once you're on it's an easier ride than the impression was given - It's NOT hard to rid of

See what cordnoy wrote Here

All the best

Amen Vamen Cordnoy,

By the way I never said no stress but not unmanageable stress or anger or hatred. BH its just the typical daily life grind that your average joe shmo experiences. That's just me.

By the way this makes it more of mchayuiv for me to rid myself of lust. As a jew I reallize that one day hashem will say whats your excuse I gave you a good life and you wasted it. What will I answer him?

Firstly Ok Markz to get on the bandwagon is hard. Secondly, once on the bandwagon we no more fight lust we surrender so that part is easy. But remember that surrender is never an abra cadbra thing. If we truely want to surrender its a lifetime commitment to learn, chazor, review and practice the 12 steps and/ or attend meetings and phone conferences. It requires time & energy. So however you cut it, its not easy. i think even Rav Cords is maskim that will the catual faceoff with lust doesn't exist and so that part is "easy" the constant work we must put in to acheive that level of surrender is not easy.

waydown wrote:


Thanks for sharing your experience. It's validating to know I'm not the only one in the world with this issue. I actually identify most with your experience since B"H my life is blessed overall. I have a great wife and beautiful child as well as a good chavrusah and relatively stable parnassah. Of course there's a daily grind but not something I would think all this lusting.

What IS unmanageable is all the lusting itself. I feel like a huge rasha every time I fall and yet I can't seem to get a grip on myself. I want to start the 90 day run but I'm not sure how I'll get through it. Have you tried it yet?
My longest stretch to date was probably about 4 weeks, over the Yomim Noraim. Somehow I made it through Rosh HaShana to Sukkos, but surprisingly (at least I was surprised) I feel right afterwards. I thought that after going through such an elevated spiritual period the inspiration would last a little bit. It seems that on the contrary - the sudden return to the daily grind got the better of me.
Either way, my short term goal is to get through Chanukah but I'm not sure how I'm going to keep it up...

Yes