Thanks bb02012.

I fell again.

I was 

Angry
Lonely
Tired

all at the same time.

The key triggers though was I had visited an ex girlfriend in the week.
She has a new boyfriend, was happy and looking great.
There was no intimacy, but it stirred up a lot of feelings for her I thought I had dealt with.

After that I was really on edge and upset.

I sought comfort in the wrong way.

But, onwards and upwards...

ColinColin wrote on 25 Mar 2017 20:12:


If the same exact situation occurred, would you be able to be in control? If yes, what would you do & at what point would you do it?

I fell again.
Two days out of three.

After being clean for 52 days.

bb0212

If the same situaton occurs again?

1.) I must try to prevent such a situation happening.

2.) I really have to be stronger willed.
When I feel weak and tempted to fall...

I MUST eat, relax, and do something sociable to improve my esteem.
Low esteem is a major problem and leads to a fall for me.

Singularity wrote on 18 Jan 2017 07:31:

Wow, great post! 

ColinColin wrote on 27 Mar 2017 00:40:

Not sure if this would help, but here goes.

Can you list all the triggers leading up to the fall?

Once you have a list, break each one down, what can you do to stop the sliding, what to distract with, how to bounce back, etc.

You can have a game plan next time, it may help.

Sorry to hear of the falls.

You weren't hungry? Huh. How'd you achieve that?

methinks this HALT thing is becoming a bit too much Torah she'b'ksav.

Thanks bb02012

Your advice makes sense.
It really is very much about identifying triggers and how to deal with them.

Singularity

The HALT idea makes sense to me and is strongly identifiable to my struggle.
Those are nearly always my triggers.

As for the hunger...well.....I put a bit of effort into my diet and exercise and try to eat foods which properly nourish rather than a compelling need to always eat.

I fell after about 66 days clean.

A big part of the problem was that I was getting very stressed in the week leading up to the fall, but I did not realise it objectively.
I just became more and more tired, agitated, overwhelmed with life.

If I could somehow have stepped back and looked at myself from a distance, I would have recognised that a fall was likely and I could have taken some deep breaths, and put a plan into action.

Does anyone have this ability to look objectively at themselves and know when they are in danger?

If you are routinely communicating with a partner it will inevitably be communicated.

Perhaps this is the modification you should make to your program of sobriety.

Thanks yirashamaim

I do not have a romantic partner.

And I fell on Shabbat, when it would have not been correct to phone anyone.

In fact, almost irrelevant, as in the state I was in my Yetzer Hora overruled any rational objection I made to keeping sober.
I would not have contacted anyone, I was too far gone mentally, too much in the grip of lust.
That disturbs me.
A "Spirit of insanity" truly ruled me.

And what also disturbs, is that before I fell I had been clean for a while and my life was improving, and now I am very scared I will be punished for my fall by my "mazel" going on a downturn, by having bad luck.

It truly is never worth falling, it messes me up for days afterwards.

I am moving this repost to this thread because it belongs here
ColinColin wrote on 10 Jul 2017 20:31:

Or two

-------------------

EDIT
Since my post was misunderstood, allow me to explain

Colin, Theres nothing inappropriate about being married to 2 wives if one has rabbinic approval

It is inappropriate on a recovery website to recommend ideas which are not tried and tested
Your last 6 posts have been to the effect of "You struggle with Lust? Get married"
That's bad advice for many many guys, and that's a FACT

Please keep sharing what works for you - preferably what tools helped you pass 90+

ColinColin wrote on 10 Jul 2017 19:50:

Colin, get up, shake off the dust, and move forward. Don't worry about your mazel going downwards. Hashem has great rachmonus and understands our struggles. Iyh you will be matzliach.

ColinColin wrote on 10 Jul 2017 19:50:

no romantic partner? you will learn here that a release through a partner is insufficient for recovery. 
How many of us are married and still act out. 
couldn't call? good point - there are other coping techniques to learn
a spirit of insanity ruled me -  i know the zombi feeling all too well. but know in hindsight this feeling is also a great crutch -  'cause it gives an excuse - "hey just couldn't help myself" we sort want to get to the place we call- the point of no return - please note that even at that point it's almost impossible not to act out - never totally impossible. As well we are not sensitive to the drunk driver who claims "I was drunk" so I am not responsible that I hurt someone. We cannot allow ourselves to get to a similar place and say - I know am hurting myself and those around me  but i had no choice- a "spirit of insanity just enveloped me and whisked me off to lust city"

ColinColin wrote on 10 Jul 2017 19:50:

I realised by my last fall that i have to put out the flame when its still small, call then someone or think if its really worth getting upset about it. I got stressed last time and after speaking to my therapist he asked me why i got stressed so i told him that i felt offended and i had to defend myself, whereas he told me that if i would have thought about the questions on hand for a few seconds i would have realised that she is not trying to offend me only that the other person is in need of my help. I should have taken my Self out of this and not think so egoistically and just be normal. that would have saved me from alot of headache.