cordnoy wrote on 14 May 2017 19:27:

Thanks for your input but I think you may have read my posts with the wrong 'trupin', with the wrong tune.

Whenever I or anybody else are in deep depression we use all types of excuses to justify whatever the heck we are doing just for the fact that it is too painful to face reality, that is exactly what I was doing. This probably doesn't come to a surprise to you but hey, maybe it does.

My question is, as I wrote previously, is an ACADEMIC question, in other words "a history lesson" and perhaps I can take some chizzuk from that. If no one can come up with anything then I will just move on anyway.

Please don't make me need to put musical notes in my posts.

Alright, enough with all that. Now let's get to some real stuff about recovery.

​As I may have mentioned before, my current issue is that my truck is turned off. I wouldn't call myself falling if I had never gotten up and I can't say to myself "Keep on trucking" if my truck ignition is off.

Slowly I have been waking up, especially today being inspired by Rebbe shimon bar yochai and all the stories that I heard from Rabbi Elimelech Biderman Shlit"a about people getting helped by him, K'shem sh"hakadosh burich lakol, kach Reb shimon lakol (Just like Hashem is for everyone, so too Reb shimon is for everyone). Reb shimon has the power to take everyone out of there issues Chutz m'derech hatevah.

Anyway, if anyone has some words to turn me on, whether it is a good piece of scary mussar or a good piece of comfy chizzuk, it will go a long way.

Mesayin, you think your ignition is off. If it were, you wouldnt be posting. Obviously you are in drive, even if you dont notice the gain.    What i think the other chevra were trying to communicate to you are the words of R Elozor ben Durdaya (Chazal's quintessential ba'al tshuva) "ain ha-dovor tolui ella bee", meaning, after all is said and done, i can blame whoever i want, but its only me that can get myself out of this mess with help from Hashem.     No matter whatever happened in your formative years, you can become a great person. (Could be you are already, and just you are too tough on yourself.......).    You should iyh have a lot of hatzlocha and be a source of inspiration for all those who have had tough histories. Keep posting. 

Hashem Help Me wrote on 15 May 2017 11:19:

Awesome post!

Masayin, I know exactly what you mean by a compy chizik or scary mussar, those are the two feeling's that we are always looking to FEEL! And we go from one to another!!

we have to learn to start doing The right things with out those sweet feeling, when the sweetest feeling is like a dried prune, hashem I don't feel scared of you, I gave up on being a holy Jew, but.... I will still seek you out because YOU I believe that you are good for me, I am giving myself over to you even though I really don't want to and don't feel mushy about it either

tiger wrote on 15 May 2017 14:02:

Thanks for your response but I respectfully totally disagree.

We do not stop our addictions/habits unless there is something pushing us hard to do so, even though we know that it is wrong, isn't that what rock bottom is all about? isn't "I will still seek you out because YOU I believe that you are good for me" a motivation statement?

   Yes that's exactly what I mean we have to motivate ourselves just because I believe that you are good for me even though I don't FEEL it, that thought process can be bitter but over time it can become sweet, hope I am writing clear, 

Dear G-D

I know you know all that is happening to me
I know you do only the best for me
But please just listen to a child in pain
Maybe there is what to gain

I had a father 
He kept harmony between sister and mother
When our father was around
everything was sound

Then you called him to you
and without further ado 
He suddenly was no longer with us
​Having fulfilled his job with us

But the shock and pain stayed
did not go away and hence did not aid
​the turmoil and anger
underfoot came out and now there is much danger

A mother and daughter 
that can't be at peace with another
No longer with a father to talk to 
No longer with a husband to turn to

The others look on sadly
and miss the harmony badly
Taking sides is not a choice
but how to still their angry voice

Tensions rise everyday
and let's forget the holiday
Gratitude what is that
if my pain is not a fact

Oh how I wish this were all
the problems big and small
then there would be silence 
and at home maybe even peace

But no that is not to be 
​mediators we were meant to be
And hearing all the gripes 
has kept us up many nights

Walking on eggshells is not possible
but to break them will be probable
so add to the stress
who cares if we are in distress

Bank accounts with monet what's that
Thank g-d someone else pays the flat
Bills too are a treat
but what will there be to eat

Thank g-d we are not in debt
but our pillows are still wet
sweat and tears we shed
for our kids to be happy and fed

But lack of sleep is not good 
if we want to be in the mood
this is our lot we say
so we are here to stay

We know others have much worse
but that doesn't make it easy of course
So now that I've said a little
why I am so brittle

May it be understood
that this is a cry to the g-d that's good
should continue with the way that is planned
but can we see your helping hand?

My learning and prayer is not up to par
it would be easier to wish upon a shooting star 
or break a wishbone
just not my backbone

We feel locked up in a cage
with no room to rage
choking,gasping,holding our breath
hoping soon to get some breadth

So I hold out my hand to you
Yes you are always holding it it's true
but can I ask to see the hand of a father
holding me up, I hope it's not a bother

Can I cry on your shoulder 
maybe it can lift the boulder
weighing me down
I think I might drown 

Thank you for hearing me out
I hope it did not sound like a shout 
I know you only do the best for me
One day I hope to understand and see

Is this your thread that you want the name changed?

cordnoy wrote on 18 May 2017 16:52:

Yes please.