Markz, I feel for you. I've also had, in the past and in the present, situations like this. Especially hard is when the wife shows interest or even initiates and backs out, but as I wrote in the past, I need to work on no expectations at all. Or as Cordnoy puts it, true sobriety wouldn't have an issue. (Not sure what that means...)
I'm still learning to appreciate my wife for who she is, not as a sex doll.
Regarding your post about pas bsalo, I also find it harder when my wife is permitted versus when not. The past approx. 8 weeks when my wife was postpartum, except for right in the beginning, just breezed through. Now every day is a struggle.
Hatzlocha Rabba!

Falling at work with porn and masturbation. Hinu hach..

just my 2c
originally i got frustrated and upset when my wife declined
that would be followed by masturbationthen i got into the mind set that i "need a period to dry out from lust"
i wouldn't want it and i left it up to her (i would want it but i did leave it up to her)
in that period of time i learned that i didn't need it from my wife
i learned to not expect it if it came it was a gift
it became obvious that my wife wanted it many times but was too shy to ask (even using the hints etc.) she admitted to that and asked me to start offering
i have offered plenty of times she was never in the mood 

Weighing in to what Cordnoy wrote about being able to deal with it in true recovery and deal with whatever life throws at you, it’s true but somewhat besides the point. Whatever pas besalo means, and chazal were not talking about something esoteric or difficult to understand, it’s a reality. I may be able to deal with it regardless, but that doesn’t mean that pas besalo isn’t true and helpful as well.

Now maybe what Cords is saying is that it’s not relevant because if you don’t have it, then deal with it. And that is true.

I can tell you this much. My marriage has turned completely in the right direction, and intimacy is still totally weak on so many levels. My wife would like to fix it and at this point it just seems like so much ancient history related to it that I’m not convinced it will work. And she wants to be available more theoretically but somehow it’s not practical at all.

And we can still have a great marriage, but it definitely affects the overall tenderness of the marriage. 

So Markz, I’m with you.

I too can associate with the "Pas Besaloh" syndrome. My wife is basically always tired and wants to sleep  when its night (sound like normal for Humans), but it actually helped me on the 90 Day Chart.
The way I got past 90 days was by going cold turkey on any form of lust, including my wife. Not that I abstained from being with my wife the whole time, only that I didn't ask for it and focused on giving her what she wants.
The less I fed the fire of lust, The less it burned inside of me. 
אבר קטן יש באדם משביעו רעב ומרעיבו שבע
https://www.sefaria.org/Sanhedrin.107a.4?lang=he

cordnoy wrote on 28 Jun 2017 12:20:

The Ohr HaChaim [(אור החיים פרשת פנחס (כה, טז] says that a person who tasted the pleasure of lust can't be forgiven while he still desires it. He needs to first hate the women who caused him to sin and be disgusted from (and destroy) any good associated with them, only then will he gain a new sober nature and be forgiven. 
https://www.sefaria.org/Numbers.25.17/he/Tanach_with_Ta'amei_Hamikra?lang=bi&p2=Or_HaChaim_on_Numbers.25.17&lang2=bi  

EinShumYeeush wrote on 20 Oct 2017 11:22:

Ok.

I guess that makes sense if the women caused the person to sin.
But for lustaholics all of the problem is in our heads
and so we bless them

GrowStrong wrote on 20 Oct 2017 12:06:

I don't see why we should bless them. Why do they deserve to blessed more then anyone else? If anything just ignore them just like we ignore other men.

EinShumYeeush wrote on 22 Oct 2017 04:05:

It so happens that I ignore; I don't curse them, don't bless them, don't blame them.

NobodyNobody said they deserve to be blessed.

TheThe logic behind the blessin' (which I don't totally agree with): if we lust after them, we are dehumanizin' them and treatin' then as objects. When we bless them, we make them human again.

I lust after humans, so it doesn't completely apply to me.

There are others who can explain it much better.

Someone explained it to me in the following way based upon a reading in the white book which says, "the measure we gave was the measure we got back"
He said that by blessing the "objects of lust" he actually received blessings back in ways he couldnt imagine.
I liked that explanation.
I am not a big blesser either, but someone else explained to me that we are on a spiritual journey of growth which is transcendental.
And bringing God into the picture is part and parcel of becoming spiritual people.
Both explanations work for me in understanding why we bless.

In case this helps anyone that checks recent posts;

Many of us deeply want to quit sexaholicsm - with 1 condition - that we stay in the driver's seat (of the lust vehicle) - e.g. fixing and filtering everything besides for working on ourselves truly

For many of us (myself included) getting out of the seat and cutting some ego slack can get us real sobriety - good luck to us all ;-)

that's is a big part of the reason why i like the truck analogy. Think of an 18 wheeler. We should be the trailer. Just stay latched on (to Hashem) and keep your load light (no lust hits 4th step etc.). let Hashem drive (this way you don't pay for gas:cool:). 
Keep on riding!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Markz, Whats with the new truck?

Markz, What's with the new truck?