Feeling pretty good... had another opportunity to go to a bar after work...the Y"H really really wanted to! No obligations after work, wife would not know where I was since I had late meetings, etc .etc.

INSTEAD, I went home. Period. And felt good about. Was not bored, was not antsy, just felt okay about being at home and not out at a bar.

And thinking about all the things that I could or would do actually made me nauseous while I was thinking about them, so that seems to be a really good sign.

I have not stepped foot in a bar or tavern or similar drinking establishment for over 100 days!!!!!! Considering I used to go 2-3 times a week some weeks this is a HECK of an accomplishment for me.

I am always worried about a relapse or the long term, though. That if I ever step foot in a bar again I will immediately drink to excess and engage in all my sick activities again, Very frightening to me.

wow! keep it up. one day at a time works for me, how can i be nervous abt tomorrow, i have no idea what tomorrow will be like

So I made another good step the other day. I have cable TV in my home for the internet, but of course also have it for the TV watching as well.

So my cable box had access to an incredible panoply of hard core porn for free. Unfortunately, I have availed myself of it from time to time.

I recently unhooked it, and mailed it back to the cable company. Not only did I save myself a few bucks every month, but also got rid of an easy porn pipeline. A win win as they say in the business world.

I still have cable TV, but regular cable on the scale of perversions is a lot lower than mamash hard core pornography.

I still have the internet, obviously, but have been able to stay off any porn sites for months now.

I have controlled my drinking, in fact have not been "drunk" for a few months now, even in sex segregated "kosher" environments.

My taste for binge drunkeness seems to have been reduced significantly.

I still do like a le'chaim now and then, and actually have gotten in to making fancy craft cocktails at home once in a while. But they contain less than 3 oz. of alcohol and I only have one at a time.

So, I am really trying to get a hold and control of my binge drinking, in any forum.

Thankfully I have not stepped foot in a bar for well over 150 days.

Tonight is my office "holiday party." I am not going. The peer pressure to attend has been enormous, but I am NOT GOING. My shul has a family Chanukkah happening this evening, and I am going to that.

Good for me!

Still, I feel like I can "blow it" any time, and that I am only a short walk away from going to my favorite bar.

Last night I found myself driving past it (not on purpose) but once I realized I was driving past it I slowed down and longingly looked in the windows to see if anyone was drinking there.

That shows I still have issues, big time.

It is like a physical force pulling me in to that place...obviously not the alcohol per se. My only conclusion is that this is the Yetzer Hora, period. The Y"H is real, it is powerful, and it can have a big influence on ones behavior.

That is scary. Everything that Chazal say about the Y"H is TRUE. Do you realize what the means, do you realize how powerful a force that is and how difficult it is to overcome or even fight?

Man o manischewitz.

so I will keep on truckin' as they used to say.

Wow! I'm new to GYE and hence am not familiar with your whole journey, but after reading your last few posts describing your struggles and how you've been dealing with them I am in awe!
Keep up the good work, and may the inspiration you provide to others serve as a zechus for you to be successful in staying clean.

wow man keep it up!

Well, as is usually the case with the Y"H, I crowed nad bragged about my "successes" and shortly after fell off the wagon as they say. Yes, I accessed porn over the internet and did hashtas zera levatala.

UGH. I am so mad at myself for doing it. I was home from work for a sick day, lying in bed, and BOOM, opened the internet and within a few minutes it was done. Even worse, later that afternoon I DID IT AGAIN.

I was so embarassed and mortified at having done this TWICE in one morning.

I have been making some progress with other aspects of lust and acting out, but here I was, look at my post from just a few days ago.

I was so smug and over confident, of course that is just like laying out a red carpet for the Y"H.

I know he is like this, the MINUTE you think you have made progress, he comes and puts you in your place.

The good news is that I am still making some progress in other areas of my life such as drinking and bar attendance, but do not want to brag about that for fear of the ayin hora.

No doubt my bragging brought the ayin hora upon myself, and hence my recent fall.

So, I start from scratch.

I will try and read through the the Tikkun, (hard copy in my office book shelf) go to the Mikveh, and try to stay away from the shmutz and best I can.

Okay, Rosh Chodesh Tevet. Ready to start from scratch.

Holy Brothers/Warriors give me some help.

The thing is, I do not feel as guilty as I have when I have acted out physically with "real" women in a bar situation, but after doing the research on this site and others regarding spilling seed, I should feel a lot more guilty than I do now. That is troubling.

Anyway, Cahnukkah Sameach and Chodesh Tov to my fellow strivers for tahor.

Gitvoch. Sorry to hear about your fall. But you should know that you are not "starting from scratch". You are picking up and moving forward from a place where you already were able to stay clean for 150+ days. That is an accomplishment that you will never lose and you have shown that you have it in you. So you had one bad day. Don't let it discourage you. Learn from it and it becomes an integral part of your journey.

KUTGW & KOMT !

ataglance12345 wrote:


NO DOUBT! i think that is an overstatement. MAYBE would probably be correct. No need to unnecessarily be hard on yourself. keep ur head up, you can do it.

I echo what gevurah wrote.
I don't believe much in ayin haras.....in many cases.
I don't know you well enough to make judgment but you did great work since you were here....somehow.
Keep that up.
The white book discusses the overconfidence feeling in terms of not working on the root of the problem. I don't know if that's the case by you, but it might be worth reading.

B'hatzlachah

Welcome back, Time to pick up and grow.

Why are you mad at yourself? Wasn't it the doing of the YH? What could you have done?
KOT

ataglance12345 wrote:


I know the feeling.

Hey, all in all you have made major strides so:

- appreciate the improvement

- understand that you have proven how well you can do, therefore real success is clearly within your grasp.

- what if the internet would not have been so readily available, that you would not be able to access it without a greater effort - like leaving your home and seeking it elsewhere? would you have left the house and gone after it?

If you say that you would have just stayed in bed. Then you know that greater protection from the internet is the major tweak you must make in your personal recovery program.

Now come along and build upon those clean days you have banked.

sorry to hear about your fall, but you will pick yourself up IY"H, and get back in the truck.

no, i would not have gone out of the house to seek it. but it was right next to my bed. too easy.

so i could use some suggestions here...

i have the internet at home. the family uses it for entertainment and work purposes. it is a wi fi network type of thing.

i also use the internet for work at home on occasion.

my point is, it has become a ubiquitous part of our life and would be hard ot part with.

with that said, what are some options to reduce my exposure or to even eliminate my exposure at home?