I think I've unwrapped another layer in my behavior.
Porn goes hand-in-hand with not being nice, or more specifically, with being selfish.
The act itself is something that's meant to be shared, but instead, one keeps it all for himself.

When I'm down, I get into a "I need to be looked after" mood. I become a burden on my wife and others. I feel like I deserve to be helped. I stop contributing.
This can easily spiral out of control and become very harmful.

I need to get out of this pattern.
Here are some ideas:
- Be more aware of when this is happening. Identify triggers and moments when I am acting up.
- Change mindset: Nobody has an obligation to look after me. I am obligated to look after myself, my wife, my kids and my work.
- Do the opposite of the bad behavior: Be kind. Be helpful.

I have lots of work to do on myself

Good point!

You're doing great just KUTGW!!!

ToAdd wrote:


I think this is an excellent point. You wrote something at the beginning of this thread that smacks of the same thing: "Kindness is the opposite of lusting."

When we start becoming too self-absorbed, that's when we start to slip. (At least that's how it is for me). Thanks for your insights. Keep it up!

I actually thought that numbness was the opposite of lusting

I understand what youre saying as well

to lust is to please oneself
to be kind is to care about others

I need to write a new topic about this

thanks

Love the new avatar Mendel Z!

cordnoy wrote:


Been thinking about that and have a different idea. I think numbness is the opposite of love. Numbness still leads me to lust.

ToAdd wrote:


Great example of why its difficult to understand everyone accurately on a written forum.

Waiting to hear the "lust vs. love vs. numbness" edition.

So nothing about infatuation?

To simplify things,
Love is the feeling you get when you focus on the virtues of another. (to paraphrase R. Noach Weinberg)
Lust is an urge to satisfy a craving.

Love then requires a knowledge of the other while lust can simply be a chemical reaction or a learned response to an external stimulus. Lust is a superficial knowledge of another.

Giving to another creates love (tractate Shabbos). Lust is taking for yourself.
When you have no love for someone, you are indifferent to them - numbness.
You can have no lust for someone but love them, like in the case of family. This is definitely not numbness.

It is a Torah requirement to reduce (if not eliminate) lust for your wife at times. I'm pretty sure this does not mean one should be numb in the relationship at those times. Unfortunately, that is sometimes what is means for me.
I think for us lust overpowers love which is a huge problem.

Sorry, it's getting too close to Shabbos, so I have to get going. Perhaps more on this topic later.

Things didn't go so well.
I fell and have been battling to get back up.
I was enjoying being down there in the filth.

I don't know if I just tried too hard or dug too deep and the Y'H came back with vengeance.
Need to start again.

I can now see how lust causes the kindness to go away.
If only I could just be more kind; to make the lust go away; and of course to be more kind because I'm lacking in that area.

I'm going to start small - a pleasant greeting, a good wish.
Stop thinking badly of others. There are one or two people that I've taken to seeing their flaws and they irritate me. They're not bad people. They just don't have the same views as me. Perhaps they have it easier than me and I'm jealous.

This is so hard.

Yosef.

The main thing is to use the fall as a learning experience, what did you learn about what led to your lusting?

I think the "anti-kindness" and lusting (which come hand in hand, as you pointed out) are usually a symptom of something we are trying to cover up.

Pidaini wrote:


That's the bad thing: What have I learned?
I seem to only be taking away thoughts that knock me down - I'm a failure, I need to change in ways I can't handle...

Pidaini wrote:

Very true. I'm also being very lazy.
When I told a friend of mine that I'm lazy, he said "You're not lazy, you're passive aggressive".
It's like these are weapons I'm using against myself and those around me.

But this is not really me. When I woke up, the first thing that cam to mind was ~lusty topic~ , but I replaced that with "Today I am going to work on this project I need to complete".
I don't want to lust, I want to get my work done, but what I end up doing is looking at movies on my screen.
I don't even find them that nice, I switch from one to another looking for something exciting, only frustrating myself.

I need to let go.
To let go of the past, to let go of any grudges I have, to forgive.
This is the right month to forgive

Yosef,

I am sorry to hear about your fall and i appreciate and admire, your openness and willingness to share it with us.

You wrote that you need to start again. I identify with that approach which I also used to have. But today I am thankfully aware that it comes from my addiction; the black and white concept.

Today that I thankfully have some sobriety, I know that every clean day I had even if they were not in a stretch, brought me to where I am today.

May G-d be with you

ToAdd wrote:

wise words!

ZemirosShabbos wrote:


Thank you. I think this is indeed a good place to start.

Too often I fail because I take on more than I can handle.

I'm pretty sure that everyone will agree that you can't try fix everything in one day.

I now have a new motto: Don't try fix it all in one day, try fix it for one day.