Hi all
Well, here's the short story: I'm a mess.
I've been away from this site for a long time (over a year now), but I need to get back on the right path.

I've slipped, I've fallen, I've run out of energy to care anymore.
There's just a little bit left to reach out my hand and say "hey, I can't do this anymore. I can't do this alone."

I'm looking at things I shouldn't almost daily now. It's costing me sleep, work and sanity.
I'm wasting my time, and that's the only thing in life we can never get back.
The part of me that wants to get better is shrinking and the part that couldn't care less about anything is growing.

I need a friend that knows what this is like, that can help me get going again.

ToAdd

ToAdd wrote:


You just got yourself an overload !!!!!

Welcome back to the club!!

Thank you Pidaini.

It's good to be back. Looking around and reading some tips (mostly the same ones over again) has given me some strength.
I feel happier now. A good happy, not the fake joy that you get when following your lust.

I managed to avert a slip - I was looking for a video, but chose something clean instead. It was about the Pavlov Reaction.
It made me think - I can train my brain to react to stimuli, as Pavlov trained the dog to react to the bell.
With some training, I can teach myself to react in a new way when a stimuli is presented - basically the 3 second rule.

So what was going to be unhealthy, turned out to be a good lesson.

Also, something that only sunk in now - kindness is the opposite of lusting...
happy Mandela Day!
I can be my own Mandela, fighting for my own freedom and equality within my own life!

Feeling much better
ToAdd

Just for curiosity, May I ask,

What didn't work until now, and What are you going to try to do differently?

I'm not sure where the wheels fell off.
I got lazy, things got tough, I needed an escape, I stopped trying.

What am I going to do this time?
I'm going to put effort into this. I gave up, now I need to get back on the horse and try again.

It looks like it's all about effort and I've been taking the easy way out, escaping work.
Its not only here, it's work, it's home - I stopped putting effort into my life and let the evil run my life for me.

Great realization!

Keep moving forward!

WELCOME BACK! Why not write down what you are going to do? What type of "effort" are you talking about. We have found that it's not so much about fighting harder, but smarter.

How will you avoid triggers? How will you deal with RID? What positive activities will you engage in to keep you busy and happy? How will you deal with negative thoughts?

You have an unlimited supply of people who understand you here. It's nice to have you back.

ToAdd wrote:

Been there. Done that!

I feel very strongly for you. i also was a chronic faller. Actually I still am. I am just able to sty clean one day at time, with the help of my Abba, who loves me and looks after me.

I know the frustration and the despair, but if with the help of G-d you can get sober, and when that happens, then all the times you tried before add up and become meaningful.

May G-d be with you.

welcome and keep it up; all of us

seeing new fellows come in here every day provides chizuk to me, and im sure to others

bhatzlachah

Welcome back,
Forget about the past,
If you want to do teshuva you can do it when you're done with the azivas hachet part (aka when you're clean for a really long time)

You can do it this time.

Like everyone else said, everyone else here knows exactly what you're going through.

HATZLACHA!

Thanks everyone.
This all really helps.

gibbor120 wrote:


I had already done that, on paper. Some of that is here...
1) return to GYE. Done.
I think there are some new triggers I need to identify. Last night, I lost the battle and turned to watching videos. I don't know what the trigger was, maybe just habit.

2) I went for a jog yesterday, then 3) went to shul. I haven't been to a week day minyan in a while because things are really busy at home. (My family just grew and we're doing a bit of house maintenance)
4) At work, I'm going to get myself to focus more on work and not get distracted by other stuff.
5) At home, I'm going to pay more attention, give more affection and appreciation.

RID is a problem right now and it just got a whole bunch worse.
I can't even think straight right now.

ToAdd wrote:


I can share what I intend to do, ans it's been working so far, but is still early.

Use this site as your outlet. In my case, I'm using porn and masturbation more as retaliation than anything else. I don't even have the patience to watch anything for more than 5 minutes, but that could also be because instead of always looking for new stuff, I have a few "favorites" I keep going back to.

But my point is, I intend to come here and vent when I have the urge to do the other thing. Hopefully, that will break the cycle and reading some of these posts may give me chizuk at the same time.

Maybe try that. Since you're going to the computer anyway, just come here.

ToAdd wrote:

Some good stuff! Remember, you have a father in heaven who is taking care of you.

Welcome back!
Sounds like you're really going to put forth more effort this time.
You said your family just grew. Am I correct in assuming you have a wife? If so, I hope reconnecting with her is part of your recovery plan. Also important is connecting with friends. Make time once a week or every other week to spend an hour or two talking face to face with a friend. Get together for a jog, a beer, or just a walk.

Thanks all.
I'm still trying to get out of the cycle. I haven't been to any porn sites in the last few days, but have found my way to some lighter stuff.
I big desire to go to there today, but I came here instead.

chulentking: That strikes a chord. I could do with some chulent too.

Overall, I am starting to win.
Lets move on...