inastruggle wrote on 01 May 2016 03:05:

Day 83: Honest answer? I don't know. I suspect that I may be having a hard time with the "never" part of the equation. Like, for example, in the summer when my wife is in the country. I know that it can be a terrible time for acting out. But one of the things that can make the loneliness bearable is a good [kosher...ish] movie. Am I ready to just learn my daf and go to sleep? I dont know. Scary thought. Is it ok if something like this is a once in a while thing? Is there a way to say that this shouldnt be part of my life but it can be on the back burner? I know that an alchoholic cant say it about a drink. But is this the same? Can a person say, I shouldn't really eat red meat, but once in a while its ok? Or am I just in denial that this is an addiction and I should be ready to transform my life and eradicate this with the same enthusiasm as I am trying to do acting out behaviors? Help!

I don't know, i struggle with the same predicament,  albeit with internet, specifically youtube and the like. 
Notwithstanding that it is dangerous for lust reasons,  being in close proximity to all the pitfalls etc. I have a very real addictive experience when i am involved in it. 
I have sworn off youtube several times, always after a fall,  due to the crisp realization that it primed me for lust and it is an addicting behavior even if it didn't lead to lust.
But, ... i still go on occasionally,  not nearly as much,  but i still do,  and i know that it is very unhealthy and leads me further away from my goal. 

So my dumb advice is 1) if you feel that you have a contained experience,  ie you don't get addicted and burn the night away,  or avoid doing what you have to do,  and 2) you can choose only those outlets which are devoid of lust triggers.

Then i say, it isn't the end of the world. 

That being said, 
Getting rid of it entirely is definitely everyone's goal. I don't think anyone during neilah on yom kippur is proud and accepting of the time they waste watching pointless hours of entertainment.  
The question is how to get there. There is more than 1 step to conquer that peak,  i don't know if i could do it in a single commitment,  i am afraid to really try. 
I did swear off movies around 15 years ago,  and bh still going strong with that,  but i did it at a time in my life when i had enormous motivation and drive.
So if you feel you can make the leap,  do it,  but hold hands with someone in case it doesn't work, otherwise, make some steps in the right direction,  and see if you can progress to the goal. 
 

The analogy to an alchoholic is unfortunately a better one then an analogy to someone cutting out red meat from his diet. 

Yesod wrote on 01 May 2016 16:14:

As long as we're giving dumb advice I thought I'd chime in ;-) But I quoted Yesod in full cause I like it.

Motzei pesach is especially hard....because of stress? or triggers to catch up on things you missed? Might matter for you to have the answer for yourself. If not, please disregard.

"Never".... is one of those words that could get in the way, maybe-  If only summers when your wife is away is the problem, then why not make the commitment to "never watch TV/Movies again... until the summer." (note: not meant to be advice, just using poetic license).  I understand that this mindset could cause you problems in the summer, but why let it stop you now?

For me, movies, youtube, etc. are problems because they are addicting to no end... and the only "end" is ejaculation (for me, and even that rarely stops me). Maybe the problem with TV/Movies is different for you.  Personally, I find the internet (and cable TV) to be "unnatural" because there is an endless supply of available things to watch and do.  But maybe there are strategies to make it more natural and containable.  Like renting physical DVD's, or only watching select movies that you decide to buy and stream (assuming the cost of binge-ing will deter you).  If in fact there are "kosher" movies that you decide you can safely watch, maybe this is a strategy that can help.  Of course, there is Yesod's point about neilah to consider.. 

Final Dumb idea: have a separate support group for the TV and acting out streak.  Start a new thread instead of putting them together.  Or at least separate them into 2 posts to "convince" yourself that they are not dependent on one another. 

You guys are amazing. Thanks for your comments. I have definitely used watching in an addictive unhealthy way. I have - without acting out - trudged into bed at 430 in the morning. I have lied to my wife, telling her what a bad stomachache I had etc. In that sense, yes, we are talking about addictive behavior. 

But that is more a thing of the past. In the more recent past, it has been more controlled, but not easier to live without. On one hand, I have been getting into bed at a reasonable hour - thanks to sobriety. On the other hand, I have been unable to go a day without it. Like I needed my daily fix. Also sounds addictive.

Now that I have gone 4 days without it [not withstanding that 2 of the days were yom tov] I already feel a little out of it. I also canceled my subscription to whatever providers I was using. I like how it feels, but I am also terrified. as I explained before. 

So, the daily watching needs to end. The compulsive watching needs to end. So for now, and thanks for the advice - I will continue counting. day 4. In the summer I will decide if there needs to be an allowance made. I will bring it before the beis din of this chevra to see what you chevra think before I make a final decision. Now, I will focus on the already terrifying thought of going a few months [we are home for the first few weeks of the summer - only have bungalow in August] without my favorite [yet admittedly incredibly stupid] shows. 

Oh dont you worry, all of our habitual viewing choices,  compete in stupidity. 

Gd bless good luck,  im interested in hearing how it goes. 

Day 84: Pretty intense. I had dreams of posting last night. Thats a new one. Its better than other dreams, I guess! So, its my fifth day without any TV or movies. That, in addition to not acting out in any way is really leaving me with a clear mind. It is also leaving me - sometimes - a ball of nerves. There is no more protection from my feelings. No more numbing. Just dealing with life. Ups and downs. I am grateful for the opportunity to share this overwhelming journey with you. 

realsimcha wrote on 02 May 2016 13:08:

I had a dream that I was going to have sex with an ugly TV actor, (Ben from Lost, if anyone knows who that is). You definitely had the better night

Thanks for the share. I resonate with the ball of nerves part. It's like living in two different realities.

Shlomo24 wrote on 02 May 2016 14:20:

I had a dream recently that someone's avatar on GYE was an explicit pornographic picture.. weird what this whole recovery thing brings out

thanks613 wrote on 02 May 2016 17:33:


It seemed explicit to me too, even when I was awake

I was once told that we dream on things we think during the day.

Day 85: Had a close call last night. Just when I thought I was doing so well, I clicked on one of those horrid links from a news site ... I dont know why and dont understand what possessed me. I was in a good mood, not anxious. Maybe a little tired. My gosh, this thing is so sneaky. I felt like it was taunting me that I will never make it to 90 days. Thankfully i exited before any real damage, and focused on other positive stuff. But the reminder was as clear as could be: This thing could overpower me at any time. I am completely in the hands of Hashem. My job is to keep doing what works, and to fight this as hard as I can. Then I can leave the rest to Hashem who is truly in control. Makes sense? I have to work on this news situation and find a site that carries what I am interested in, without coming loaded with triggers. 

In other news, its day 6 without tv and it is a little easier than I expected. I think for two reasons: First of all, I have all of you, to whom I hav emade a personal commitment to be honest with about this. Secondly, I really feel the effect of not turning my brain into mush all time. And I like what I feel. Hope I can keep this going.

Simcha for Real

I've ben offline for the [ast few days. Just chiming in to say great job so far. 

Very tachlis-dig conversation.