I just learned a lesson in being mekabel mussar.


 

Day 73: Been more involved in getting ready for yom tov than ever. But I am still seeing my old self in the many times and many ways that I keep pointing out to my wife how present I am being and how helpful. The very need for compliments shows - deep breath - that on some level it is still about me, and the way to pleasure myself now is through a yummy ego massage that my wife will look at me with admiration. I would like to commit today to get the job done without drawing any attention to myself at all. Does that mean there will be no pleasure in it? Two answers: 1 - It doesnt matter. We dont do our jobs looking for the personal benefits we will get [as an addict once said to me about being faithful to his wife "Whats in it for me"]. We do it because we are human beings not animals. And being human carries responsibilities to the people around us. 2 - Yes there will be. Why? Because its right.

I relate a lot. Just a word of caution: In my experience, when I dealt with this specific issue I tried to avoid ALL attention. As human beings we need to feel appreciated, and also as someone who is attention starved, I'm not going to change overnight. As with everything, I try to take it day by day.

Hatzlacha.

Day 74: Erev Yom Tov. Its a busy and tiring day but one that can easily lead to the frustrations and anxiety that lead to acting out. I dont feel anywhere close to that right now, but I think thats only because I keep remembering that inasmuch as there is a bold Day 74 at the beginning of this post, its really Day 1 every day for all of us. May this Day 1 continue without lust. Yom Tov will be the first day in 74 days that I wont post. I am nervous about that. I dont want it to be the beginning of a trend.... I will have to think a "post" or even better, tell an actual live person a post and I will write it after YT. Thanks to you all for the chizuk, and thanks to GYE for being the lifesaving force that it is. Gut Yom Tov to all.

My main struggle is "trigger happy at computer", so my YT isn't always that tough

How's it by you

Hope your having a smooth day preparing for pesach RS. You will ow us a nice long post after yom tov to make up for it! Have a chag kosher (in every which way) visameach! 

realsimcha wrote on 22 Apr 2016 15:19:

Great ideas, definitely tell a person if this is possible (imho), even if you have to be a bit more vague because they don't really know about your struggle.  

You can also do a pre-post post, if that makes any sense.  You see, you write a post now for how you think you'll be feeling on Y"T, and then after, you see how you comment on how your prediction worked out...  Come to think of it, I like your idea better.

Good Y"T

Day 75: Yeah, Day 75 was the first day of YT but I am posting my thoughts on that day here. I had thought of posting out loud to someone, but it turned out that my yt plans didnt allow it. But I did prepare a post in my mind so that I was focused on this daily responsibility that has been a positive force for me over the past few months. I was experiencing Pesach without the usual desperate feeling that I am sinking into quicksand. You would think that this would make my Pesach easier. But it didnt. Somehow the drama of doing terrible - I now realize - contributed heavily to feeling spiritual on yom tov. after all, as the mashgichim say, I'm still in Mitzrayim and pesach can by my personal yetzias mitzrayim etc etc etc - you've all heard it. And those thoughts provided me with a desperate need to connect. This year I have been clean long enough that on an emtional level - and only emotional, in reality I realize that this doeasnt disappear - I didnt have that feeling and I had to create new healthy ways of appreciating yt.

Day 76: Good day. davening. eating. learning. spending time with family. Still struggling with talking about myself by meals too much. I think I have a narcissistic  streak and its not healthy.

HaRachaman Hu Yachzir Lanu Avodas Beis HaMikdash Limkomah Bimheirah VeYamaynu, Amein Selah!

Glad to hear you had a OK YT I'm sure you had a meaningful one on what ever way you did. Interesting that you say that you have a narsistic streak... My father is a narsistic and he wouldn't admit it. Narsisits are infamous for their inability to accept their condition, so if you undead have narsistic personality traits it's incredible that you even admit it. But a lot of people struggle with "narsistic" things by just being human even though they aren't full blown narsisis', including probably me. 

shmirashachaim wrote on 25 Apr 2016 04:27:

Look, I dont know what to call it, but I know that I have a tendency to make my conversations about me. I naturally love telling stories where I am the main character. Maybe its not real narcissism and it was just a defense mechanism, and now that I am getting somewhat healthier, it is easier for me to see. I cant diagnose myself. I can only say that even after a regular yom tov day, where I just did the things that a frum yid, a husband and a father are supposed to do, I will say things to my wife like, "Do you realize how well I am doing? A few years ago I would never have been by davening on time/spent time with the kids/been helpful on motzei yom tov etc etc etc". 

I can relate. It's normal, don't freak out. In my experience I didn't even know how to feel good, so when I first started feeling good I wanted to tell everybody. Eventually you will get used to it, for better or worse. If you are cognizant of it now than it may help you going forward. Also, my brain doesn't let me revel in good feelings and I have to teach myself to love myself. If I can say the biggest change in me since my new sponsor is that he taught me how to love myself. I am still learning, but it's much better than before.

A few thoughts here.

1) If you ever read Dale Carnegie's how to win friends, he pushes the idea that everyone likes talking about themselves. It's a fact.

2) You may be talking about yourself less than before just noticing it more.

3) We all crave recognition. Tooting our own horn is a bad way to get it, but it shows that you feel like you aren't getting enough credit. It's good to realize that about ourselves.

inastruggle wrote on 25 Apr 2016 17:07:

That wasn't the situation in my case. A lot of my problems are results of my own attitudes.

I completely agree.

If we have the right attitudes than the need for recognition wouldn't be too strong. I wasn't saying we really deserve the recognition. Just that the feeling is there and it's good to recognize that