Day 64: Was on the road today and stopped at a Barnes and Noble for a bathroom break. Brought back lots of memories. Bookstores were a huge part of my problem for years. I cannot count the amount of hours that I spent there. Looking around making sure that "nobody is noticing" as i take this book of the shelf or that book. If I passed a bookstore while driving it was almost impossible not to stop a take a look around. My mind would be in a frenzy. I would be in a total daze. Oh my .... so pathetic. Today, with Hahems help I was able to get in and out without incident. I am grateful to Hashem for what He has given me today.

Oh, so it WAS you

I was also there looking around making sure that "nobody is noticing", and i think there were another 7 doing the same...

Day 65: Hard night. No, I was fine and I didn't think of acting out. Actually, it was because I wasn't going to act out that it was hard. I was frustrated and upset. The end of the day didn't go awesomely [is that a word?]. And in a former existence I would have lashed out [against who?] and acted out. It would have turned into a loooong night and by the end of the night [and it may well have been the end of the night] I would be so in pain about acting out that my original frustration would be all but forgotten. [Which, btw, is the reason, I think, for why my psyche was "pushing" me to act out in the first place]. Last night there was no acting out. Only frustration. It was hard to go to sleep feeling down. But you know something? I think that its time to learn that sometimes you cant fix it and solve it. Sometimes I can be a little down. The world wont come to an end. And you know what? It didnt.

realsimcha wrote on 13 Apr 2016 13:20:

The latest entry to post of the year
 

Day 66: I am wondering about something. This morning I missed davening. Wasn't feeling well. Legitimately. Missed a learning seder. So, as I was davening late, and having this late day I was thinking of all the dozens and dozens of late mornings that I have had because of acting out etc. And I told myself, "The bottom line is at least I am sober." Friends, is that accurate? Do I say at least I am sober or do I say to myself, "great that you are sober, but you have responsibilities that you are not being loyal to. Get a life. Get the job done. DOnt just keep patting yourself on the back just becasue you are sober." So, I hear these two voices. Which one do I listen to?

There's always a balance in life between looking back and looking forward. By that I mean congratulating yourself of what you've done so far and looking at what you still have to do. When you need chizuk look back, when you need a kick in the pants look forward.

There's another balance between pushing yourself and not burning yourself out. If you really weren't feeling well then it isn't you're fault. Why do you need to rationalize that at least you're sober? You probably feel somewhat guilty.

Is it because you feel like you could of pushed harder, or just that you feel bad even though you know you were an oiness?

inastruggle wrote on 14 Apr 2016 15:36:

Good questions. Thanks. Need to think about that.

Still loving your thread RS. thx.  My 2 cents is that maybe being sober and your life responsibilities are 2 totally separate חשבונות.  Be glad to be sober. So glad, and so thankful.  And, apart from that, if you decide that there was more that you could have reasonably done, then resolve to make the effort next time. Is that practical? (you don't have to answer that)   

realsimcha wrote on 14 Apr 2016 15:11:

You are sober, the fruit of two months of sweat and tears, and we all know that that is of paramount importance. It's a starting point, as you must know, a point below which you dare not fall.

Surely, however, you take pride in these 66 days! You should be delighted at your achievement, as I am at mine, and as we all should be at our respective victories. I would take the same כוחות and גבורות that carried you to this point and use them to slowly wean yourself from any lapses in your תורה, עבודה and other responsibilities.

Judging from what you wrote, in my view the YH realizes that you are on a roll and he will not easily be able to get you to act out, so he's trying on a different front. And that would not be the missed davening or learning per se, but rather the depressed feeling that they bring about.

So please please focus on what is good, and build on it. The oilam is rooting for you

Day 67: I really appreciate how many of you took the time to think about what I asked and to suggest different perspectives on it. Ina wondered if my negative feelings are because I think I could have pushed harder. Or if I feel bad even for the oiness. Good question. Been thinking about it. And I think that my head is totally messed up. I think that I have such an impossibly perfectionist and unrealistic view of what to expect of myself that I learned over the years to judge myself based on the way I think that the people around me judge me. I am ashamed to say this but here it is: If I walk into shul and I notice any kind of - real or imagined - negative look from a friend or even the random guy sitting next to me [maybe you:) ] I start to obsess right there and then what is this person thinking of me, and who gives him a right to judge and if he would only know my struggles etc etc etc. The truth is the fafthest thing from my mind. All I can think about is his truth and my defense of his truth [which most likely I imagined!]. 

So I really have alot to do I guess. I need to stop thinking that everyone is thinking about me so much. I need to get a more realistic picture of what to expect of myself - for real - this is not some way of getting myself off the hook when I dont fulfill my responsibilities. Whoa, I didnt expect this all to come out when I asked that question yesterday. 

Ecstatic and Thanks613 you brought up points that mean alot to me. Still digesting. ....

Yup, we are in the same boat.

Day 68: Long but satisfying Shabbos. Attended a Shabbos Hagadol Drasha. Wondered if any of you were there. The Rav is talking about Middos and I am just happy that I dont feel like hiding my face from everyone there. Hashem please keep sharing yourself with me in a way that gives me the strength to continue for another day.

Day 69: Tired and shleppy which is not awesome. Days like today, in the past, didnt end well. Now I have GYE and I am getting along with my wife and kids better than ever. They dont understand why. But we do. Being clean, and feeling alive [as sleepy as I am] just makes me a calmer person. I am actually involved in getting the house ready for Pesach instead of hiding and disappearing as often as possible. Its a new world. For today. I daven it should continue.

Day 70: On one hand i dont want to make a big deal about reaching 70 days. Today is a challenge just as every day was for the past 70 days. A challenge to keep my eye on the ball and not lose sight of what is important. It is a challenge to remain connected with Hashem and not to undermine all the pieces of healthy living that I put into place. On the other hand I want to shout from the rooftops I MADE IT TO 70!!!!!!!! and I guess this is the balance that has been coming out of the "conversations" that I have been having with Ina - who I was happy to "meet" on this forum. 

Its hard. On one hand I am so happy not to be the person I was 70 days ago. On the other hand I am very much that person. And with one action I can slip and slide head over heels until I get to the bottom, bruised and upset. I dont want that. I want to keep remembering to do what it takes to be here. 

To anyone who feels like they keep falling: Please keep trying. Even if I were to fall today [and I have no intention of doing so -- with Hashem's help!] I would never regret the past awesome 10 weeks of my life. And I fell many many times. Sometimes I couldnt get four days. Let me introduce you to my friends from those times: Pain. misery. Humiliation. Regret. Self Hate. and many more ugly characters. The only thing Ia can say for myself. The one only thing is that with hashems help I refused to give. Please dont give up. Lets keep "truckin' " together עד ביאת גואל צדק

KUTGW!

Do not get overconfident. 70 is only a drop in the bucket.

It also represents a lot of hard work. KOT!

It's great to hear that you're happy