reallyRealJoy wrote:


I assume you're reading in the same room as your wife, unlike your surfboard which happens away from her (and she's justly worried you don't know how to swim)

markz wrote on 01 Apr 2016 12:41:

"ReallyrealJoy"? How did that happen??

realsimcha wrote:

In the quote, you can change the name like I did mine in this post

Day 54: Shabbos was great. Again. Felt good listening to Parshas Parah and thinking about all the work that we do here trying to get and remain pure. I was "shmoozing" on another thread about the Motzei Shabbos tension that so many guys  here live with on a weekly basis. Bh this too has been easier the past few weeks. I was just remembering the hours leading up to the end of Shabbos [and Yom Tov was worse!] that I used to start getting these unbidden thoughts popping into my head [of course usually in middle of shemona esrei] "I wonder if I will act out tonight...I think I have to act out ... just a little... I am just going to check something quickly ... " Then came the "other" thoughts, "How can you think that on a heilige Shabbos! What kind of a person are you! Here you are at a shiur/shmooze/shalosh seudos in shul and this is what is going through your mind?!?! No!!!! You are not doing that !!!!......But maybe ..." Absolute torture. On a consistent basis. For years. The past few weeks it ha disappeared. Why? Not sure. But for sure partly because I know that I am going to get online after shabbos and click "I am still clean" and I will interact with all my friends here and I will report how shabbos went. And even though you dont know who I am, for some reason its still important to me to make you proud. Feels weird to say that, but there it is. Thanks chevra.

realsimcha wrote:

I can definitely relate to this I remember the last time I had a fall feeling really bad that I disappointed people on this site who had helped me out and I felt that I had really let them down and I really felt like wow how could I let Them down 
 

I know exactly what you mean. Joining GYE has not only stopped from doing "aveiros" but has also provided me with some relief from my crazy self. Those constant inner battles were driving me nuts, and since joining here I'm not battling too much B"H. Amazing what the magic of a chevra can do! 

Day 55: I have already posted a bit on some other threads. But I still feel like continuing this daily diary. Whenever I post after those bold red headings I am really making an announcement. It goes like this: "I am not better. I am not clean. I am not healed. I am sick. I am capable of falling at any time. I am vulnerable. I need Hashems help. I need the help of my good friends here. I need to remain humble, not because it is a good midah but because it is the truth: I am only wherever I am because of the kindness of Hashem." Thanks for listening.

Please don't stop posting your daily journey. You have a way of bringing a fresh perspective with every post. As important it is for you it's important for us too!

Day 56: I feel it. Its the morning. I am tired. I am not feeling great. And I dont have any major deadlines today. Today is the type of day that somehow just gets lost. Until about 11 pm when I "remember" that i did have a ton to do and, oh well, it will have to wait until tomorrow. What does this have to do with acting out? To the oilam here. I don't have to explain. But for myself I need to say it. One of the main causes of acting out is the feeling of blah. Yup, blah. What am I good for? What did I accomplish? Why cant I get anything done? Why does it look like there are people out there who are just going from one thing to the next accomplishing, in ruchnius and gashmiyus, and I am just sitting here. etc. etc. So, for today, I will make a one day commitment to make a plan with a list that I can cross things off. I wont put too many things in the list to make it impossible. Just a few things. Doable. And I will try to cross each thing off the list. Of course we are in Hashem's hands. Sometimes things get "added" to the list. But I still have to try t do mine. Thanks for listening to my ramblings. 

Day 57: Hard day so far. Yesterday, I didnt have the day I planned. Partially because I couldnt get my act together and partially because things out of my control came up. Today I am just sleept and shleppy and not sure if it is in my head or not. This is the time that I would usually act out. This is my MO. To be overwhelmed and angry with myself and to say what the h and to watch something bad. I wont give in to that today. But I wish that I knew how much I am being a baby and how much I should let myself relax and take a break if thats what my body is telling me that I need.... Ideas anyone?

relax and do something you enjoy besides sleeping and shlepping! Is took me a while to realize the "fun stuff" can be as important as the "main stuff".
keep up your journey RS.. we're (or at least me) are rooting for you!

Day 58: I am grateful to be clean and sober today. Yesterday was a hard day. I was so tired and lethargic and even after I finally got my act together, I realized that my wife was being distant. I asked her about it and she basically said that after years of me spending dysfunctional days in bed etc. she still feels alienated whenever I am not totally present. That hurt alot. One one hand she is right. She is totally traumatized from years of me sleeping in, while she got up early to her responsibilities. She is traumatized from me not being available to my family because I was so wrapped up in  "other" stuff. And she is hurt. She has learned to protect herself from me. On the other hand that is history. She bh has seen a totally different side of me for the past while. I know, I cant expect her to heal as soon as I get my act together. But its humiliating and doesnt really encourage me to keep at it. I was not in a good place last night. But... I didnt act out. I didnt use her disappointment as an excuse to throw it all away. This mornign we are both doing better and bh I am able to look back at  last night with pride. I hope I am making sense and not making a total fool out of myself. Thanks ... 

realsimcha wrote on 06 Apr 2016 12:35:

You're making tons of sense, and not making a fool of yourself at all. Many of us probably have some experience of our wife pointing out things that they've had to bear on our behalf that were embarrassing or even humiliating, and made it hard to continue doing what we were doing. But we, like you, did continue.

 

realsimcha wrote on 06 Apr 2016 12:35:

Wow incredible RS.. Incredible. Its amazing how you are plugging away and not giving in to lifes problems and instead growing from  them. Yes, you grew from your experience and thats why you look back at it with pride. That feeling of not giving in is amazing. The pain endured makes it so sweet when you can look back, and say to yourself that your in control of your life (or letting Hashem take control over your life, however you want to look at it) and that life will be good, as long as we let that good pain do so. Keep it up!   

RS hows day 59 coming along