Yeah we all have garbage in our history

FSKOMT!!!!
No more garbage trucking!

markz wrote on 01 Mar 2016 04:08:



Yeah ... theres garbage and then theres garbage. i remember sticking my hands into who-knows-what just hoping and hoping not at the same time... yuch! 

whats FSKOMT?

Is this my other soul part. 

I used to do the same, that's hilarious. 

Late at night in my building sometimes,  i would go through all 12 garbage rooms and the main garbage area in the basement, hoping to find 'goods'.
When all else failed id look through a stack of newspapers i took out of the recycling, checking out the ads in the back.  

This is all while,  I would NOT allow Internet or computers into MY house. Well it saved me many times,  usually after a couple of hours in the trash and not finding any good trash to read.  Id sulk off to bed. 


Funny how the porn was always in plain view on the top of the garbage, when i was going through my 'clean' phases. Would see it while taking out the trash,  and id jump out of the room and run back into the apt. Like i saw the devil.  Only to come searching for it with a feather and candle a week or day later. 


Funny times, thanks for the reminder.  

Good to know there's other nuts out there.

Yesod, you really gave me chizuk last night. Glad to find out that I am not the only crazy one. Thanks to Hashem its been a really long time since I had my hands in someone's garbage. Reminds me of a thought I used to have often. We ask hashem to accept out Teshuva. And you find in many place references to Hashem  cleaning the garbage off of us. Did you ever change a really messy diaper [sorry if any of you are eating :) ] ? Whenever I had a really gross messy diaper to change, I used to think about the kindness of Hashem that he does that for us. Thoughts? 

Day 22: Happy to be here. Having a tough day but I feel capable of making it through today. I can't worry about tom now. Things going ok with wife and family and trying to be patient with my failings and mistakes.

Hey RS! Its great to see you coming along on your journey! I love following it! 

I never went looking through the trash but I think its because I never thought about it! I f you would of gave me the idea I would of been a nut sneaking around my neighborhood like you. When lust hit I would do anything and i mean anything to get my hands on something to act out with. I even ended up drawing women to obsess over. I could be learning in the beis medrish and I would be taken by lust and subsequently find my self doodling with the easy accessible paper pen next to my gemarah. Talking about a nut. So many disgusting memories come to mind of me acting animal like at all times and places and was able to become an expert in finding material to lust on,, haliviah i should be as creative in other aspects of my life. We are all nuts together and i am proud to be a nut that refuses to be cracked!

Hey Shmira! We started this together and I hope we will continue on step at a time!!

Day 23: Got onto GYE a few minutes ago. Wasnt in a great place. Doing much better now that I caught up on the GYE torah. As I stay clean day by day I realize how much I have left to work on besides for staying clean. Its not easy and if I dont do I think I can likely wind up at square one. So as soon as I log off I am going to get back to work trying to vanquish the demons that I still struggle with: Spending too much time on the computer, tv, politics, etc. Taking myself too seriously and not getting the simple responsibilities in my life done, making time for the kids, not being totally wrapped up in myself. oy! 

Day 24: Not an easy day. Stuff happening at work. Feeling alone. anxious. Disliked. Unsupported. All the feelings that not only push me to ... but I almost feel that I have the right to act out. Like, now I have a good excuse because life stinks and i am falling behind in everything.............................
If not for GYE i probably wouldnt have thought twice after a day like today. I would feel like its practically a mitzvah .... tryin to hang on..........

We are all behind you , rooting for you.

Day 25: Baruch Hashem i pulled through yesterday. It was hard because I felt that ANGER in me... at who i dont know, maybe its just the tip of the spear of frustration. But it was brutal. It felt like nothing can go right and that therefore what the h let me just fall...... I am grateful to Hashem that He provided me with the resolve to distract myself and to get involved in other things. Today was a blur of activity so I am pretty sure i will be ok. Things are getting better at work and I am feeling more confident. I look forward to the time that when life stinks i dont automatically think in terms of acting out. My brain has been totally fried like this for some time. For example, whenever business or a simcha would mean that I am going to spend the night in a hotel, it doesnt matter if it was my bothers wedding or my best friend. It doesnt matter ... anything! the first and most powerful thought and feeling that I have is, "Hotel!! There is uncensored stuff to watch there!!". Sometimes it has been a fall and sometimes I was able to rise above it [tip: when you get into a hotel room while you still have your sechel about you, you can do a parental block on the shmutz so that later when you/i am vulnerable things are protected.] but the issue is that its the first first first thought. 
It has gotten better the past few years. But there were years of my life that acting out was the very first thought that I would have when I opened my eyes in the morning. I would barely know where I am but I would feel my heart beating and that anxiety and know what i "have to " do. I am happy that it got mush better. but not totally. thats what i mean that my brain is fried. Any time I would see a mall or travel to a new city I would start playing games with myself. "hmmm i wonder if there are stores here that sell...." there were times that a simple trip that should take an hour would take two or three hourse becasue i would get out at random exits and "look" for stores.. again. sometimes I did go in and sometimes I didnt but either way my brain is insane. bh its better now. But it has happened even in the past few months so i dont want to sound too much like this is ancient history. Anyway. i do have someone who i discuss this with by phone. someone who knows me and with whom i share this challenge. but it has really been a relief - if not a little humiliating - sharing this stuff with you, my friends. good shabbos.

Again, its insane how insane our brains can be. The biggest battle I feel is our sechel and our guf and I am baffled when I do have my sechel how i can just go with my guf. But again and again the guf prevails. pretty crazy. I can't count how many times just driving relatively near some place would lead me off the next exit on my journey down the tubes. No matter how clear headed i might of been three minutes earlier. May we win this battle with Hashems help over our powerful guf. have a good shabbas

Day 26: Shabbos was great but now, on Motzei Shabbos I am suffering. Its really hard for me - for some reason - to get myself motivated to do anything constructive. So i end up doing nothing. So I get frustrated. So I feel like shoving it in my face and acting out. I am posting now -which has helped before - and i am commited to doing something constructive tonight. I am also so tired which - as many of you have posted - just makes things worse. I hope that the recipe that has worked for the past 26 days will continue to work. 

I love the way you log religiously day in day out

FSKOMT is explained in the "GYE Glossary Of Terms" found under "Great links" on the "Free Towing" thread

It means
Fell Shmell Keep on (Monstah) Trucking

realsimcha wrote on 06 Mar 2016 03:00:

I completely identify with that. Motzei Shabbos has always been a difficult time foe me and I would often end up falling. Since joining GYE I actually take the time on Motzei Shabbos to post, something I don't always get to during the week. It's been a huge help as it's a constructive distraction.
You can do it!

BenTorah.BaalHabayis wrote on 06 Mar 2016 04:16:

Thanks for the feedback. Watching people like you hit 90 days and beyond gives me the strength to keep fighting. I am so wiped out and my wife is annoyed with me but so far so good .... gonna try to get to sleep before things take a turn for the worse. 

markz wrote on 06 Mar 2016 03:56:

Thanks for your Chizuk. You are a great example to follow. you just dont let up. i dont know how you do it. Thanks for the link. looking forward to checking it out...