Gray Monday mood… woke up late, found my phone in the Nagel Vaser (BH it’s already working), didn’t have time to shower, and let’s not even talk about shachris. Got to work late and ate BBQ chips for breakfast. I immediately knew today was going to be tough.

To make things worse, my mentor is on vacation. He responds, but I feel terrible bothering him. Here I am, sitting at work, opening and closing tasks… it’s 2:30, 5 hours gone, and nothing done.

Till 26 days ago, a day like this would have ended with me acting out—watching a movie, playing a video game, or mindlessly browsing and acting out again until the day was over. Today? I’m trembling on straight walls… just trying to survive this Monday.

Could someone please bring a smile to this sour face?

If your mentor is okay with you bothering him while he is on vacation then reach out to him and if not then reach out to someone else. There are many people who are willing to help you.

"veTov La'Eynayim Lir'os Es HaShemesh" maybe go for a walk on this grey gray day

hollyari wrote on 18 Aug 2025 18:43:

Nothing done? Sure? Think about it again. You've maybe not made any money today or not done the tasks that you had planned. But you've done precisely what Hashem planned for you today: To become a Tzaddik, a Gibbor who is in control of his actions. You're great! Keep that sour face and move on... The smiles might come at the end of the day when you feel good with your accomplishments.

Last night was war.

A real head-to-head bloodbath with the Yetzer Hara. Hours in a row. After a 2 hours nap, I was too tired to get out of bed, but too rested to fall back asleep. My mind was racing, my heart pounding, my hands restless. I tried music, I tried podcasts, I tried distractions — nothing worked. The clock ticked past midnight, and I felt myself breaking.

And then came the lifeline. My mentor, R’ Akiva. He was on vacation with his family — I so badly didn’t want to disturb him. But when I texted “I can’t anymore,” he answered right away: “Don’t do anything stupid without asking me first.”

He started sending me a story, piece by piece, message by message, keeping me engaged minute after minute. Until I suddenly realized — the Yetzer Hara was gone. By the time we finished, it was after 1:30 AM. I was safe. Calm. Alive.

And this morning, I said Modeh Ani with more joy than any person on earth.

A HUGE shout out to R’ Akiva — my life saver, my mentor, my angel in the middle of the night. On vacation, yet still holding my hand through fire. You gave me a future.

Friends, be a R’ Akiva in someone’s life — you never know who’s waiting for your message at 12:45 AM.

And please, give R’ Akiva a like in the comments — I want to see at least 25 likes for the man who saved my night!

HolyAri! 
All I can say is that it's not your mentors help that helps you, it's your courage to push the send button on that {before GYE days shameful} text, when you're honest with yourself and stick your hand out to ask for the help, in reality you're already being helped!
I truly get chizuk every time I talk with you, your lovely and exciting spirits and motivation to beat this beast, is a breath of fresh air into my lungs!!!

Keep up the amazing work you're putting in, there's immense light at the end of the tunnel, and you're not that far away!!!
With love Akiva!

I just saw this though the thread already has 5 pages. Just want to say you are an inspiration. I havent even reached 40 days clean (though my tracker says otherwise since I stopped going to the forums for a long time). Keep on trucking, brother. You are not alone in this fight

Hey! Mazal Tov Mazel Tov!!!

30 days is an amazing achievement the kiddush on shabbos and of course the alcohol was really delicious, I'm still drunk with excitement over your achievement thus far!

And now on to 90 days!!! And from there to a full life sentence!!!

May you be zoiche going forward to put your main focus on the positivity, on the amazing feeling of cleanliness, of true Kedusha, not so much on the negative and will to drop the bad habits {although it's still important that one should never forget the disgust we have from those bad acts, but thats more like a guardrail to keep away from the bad, vs the focus on Kedusha and positivity which is a real game changer and keeps us climbing and thriving forever and ever iyh}, and reach athe light at the end of the tunnel, with a life of Kedusha for ever and ever!!!

With overflowing love!
Akiva

Thank you so much RebAkiva!!
Your words are like Mayim Karim Lenefesh Ayaifa!!

And YES! On for the 90! We got this! 

Happy ל"ג בעומר!

Hey! That's so nice of you to keep track on me YsefHatzadik!
Thanks! By all of us on Simches.. 

Hay hollyari

It's incredible to see how you go day after day clean!

Keep up going, buddy!

34!!!!!! Keep it up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Friends, I’m at Day 35… just 5 days away from hitting 40.

Can anyone share what usually comes next?

In the past 10 years, I’ve only reached 40 days three times. I’m bracing myself for these next 5 days—they feel like they might be brutal. But B’siyata D’Shmaya – Naaseh V’natzliach!

What I’m wondering is: what happens after 40? Is there some kind of lightness or simcha that opens up? In my past experiences, whenever I built up a long clean streak, the eventual fall felt like gravity pulling me down—and even deeper than where I first started.

Does anyone have advice or ideas on how to avoid that pitfall this time, and how to keep building forward after 40?

hollyari wrote on 27 Aug 2025 14:51:

Shalom Brother HollyAri,

You did it yesterday. You are doing it today. When tomorrow comes, you will do it tomorrow too, but that is no matter, as your business is with today. Day 40 will come when it comes, and 50, 60, 100, 1000, and beyond. 

Any pressure that you associate may come back to bite you as a sort of self-fulfilling prophesy. Don't focus on the particular number, just that today it is going up by one.

Celebrate day 40 when you get there, and in the meantime, celebrate today too. Prepare for the future by trusting yourself, not doubting yourself. Keep doing your hishtadlus by putting in the effort. I think this kind of worry is your enemy the YH. He (this gravity) can't touch you with Hashem on your side. 

Stay calm and remember that eyes which are too focused on the distance may miss what's right at your feet. 

You are building a staircase to Heaven. After 40 steps are in place, check that they are stable and add step 41. Find G-d on each level. 

Simcha won't come from just a number, its roots are in the choices you are making and the life you are pushing to live. There real tachlis of a milestone is that it's progress. You think about and appreciate how far you've come, and realize that you really want to keep going, and you can!

Continued Hatzlacha