Hello Holly lovely brothers from GYE,

=Might be triggering for some=

Its long time I want to open a thread but I didn't have the guts (i still don't) and that push, it took me time to start posting here in general,

However, its almost a year since i joined GYE so I decided to just write down my story, feelings (as far as remember)First to the story.
I don't even remember when I started to masterbate, since I remember I loved to touch there (i was young like probably 6 years old, trying to think now) and 2 family members touched me and also a older bucher in cheider, and later on in cheider a older boy, but i will not call it abusive because I liked it as well...I knew that is wrong but didn't know how wrong, and I can get hooked up.

I found out abt masterbation at one point i didn't know what in doing but i knew i feels pleasurable I got so hooked up I started to masterbate literally everyday or twice in shower or in toilet wherever and whenever i got turned on i went in bathroom and ye..
And my neighbors somehow also played together this game... so I was there as well
That was in cheider,

I got a little older (still in cheider) and started to look for more stimulation when I masterbate I did crazy things like to try to look everywhere to try to found something that makes me more turned on,

One of my parents had a flip phone (3G service) that wasn't filtered and I somehow found online some inappropriate pictures I took in shower to masterbate while looking.. at one point I found nude pics I still remember my hand and body shaking seeing the first time a nude women, a picture, and from there i found out abt porn pictures then videos...
Dont forget im still a child, 

later my mom got a new 4G Flip phone that was already more better and clearer websites.. whatever, i started to look evey 2nd day porn, and every day masterbate, i didnt know how addicted im..i didnt know that I can get addicted.
it was crazy.     

I got bar mitzvah I started to go to mikvahI stopped going because I was scared that i will get .... and ppl will see so i didnt go,Went to yeshiva i was a normal average bucher learning.. I still masterbate every day!

When i was in Yeshiva years ppl tried to come to me to touch but I didn't let them (i don't know how i had the strength to say no!)

No one knew that I'm struggling and wherever someone spoke abt that topic it was so uncomfortable for me.

Went into Yeshiva Gedolah i started to feel so guilty what I'm doing and I tried to stop, then I stop porn for a few months but still masterbate every second day 

I always heard that once when one gets married it will not be anymore a struggle (bluff)
I got engaged bh I could hold back from m. But for not too long..

I got married and I was sure im gone with that after a few months I fall and then another time, I fall back into it not like before but every week or 2

Once was on a website with forums (Jewish)
And someone write a whole article about GYE what it is, with links to the gye's programs,

I started to look the articles on gye i was blown away that there is more ppl like me struggling!!I

t was a really hashgucha pruties because it was that time I started to fall every week.. and here I found GYEI decided to try and I signed up

I started the 90 days chart, and I looked the videos here I started to read the forums i saw a few things 1. im not alone that was such a great feeling, 2. its possible to break free 3. im healthy person with urges and struggles i felt worth, and like a normal men,

After 25 days I fell, I was so disappointed but I didnt gave up i learned from that fell not to do what made me fall now,

I started to chat ppl here I made a few friends they gave me chizuk when I needed it,

At one point someone here (@eriee thank you) pushed me to make a call to him
I said no way that happening i couldn't imagine doing it, however I did the phone call i can't explain the good feeling afterwards, That guys here are experts to make ppl feel normal, loved and validated.
I went up to 185 days clean (basically the whole winter 2025) then I fall with masterbation (not porn bh) because summer arrived.. and I started to not be so careful i thought im enough strong, OMG it was a bad feeling.

And then I started again and i fall after 25 day then after 30 days and here im now 61 days clean of masterbation bh,In this year

I fell only 4 times that is a major accomplishment for me bh hashem should help further

I didn't fall to hardcore porn since im on GYE, hurray hurray!!Without hashem sending me GYE I dont know where I would be these days
.GYE the best!

Not everything is reverent here but I just have to write it down on paper 

My heat is pumping stronger while im going to press that submit butten..

With love, Puppy

Wishing you all the best keep rocking, buddy's

Wow!

this post will make you feel better and better.... truly major accomplishments!! just continue climbing that huge mountain....

Wow!! It takes courage to write it out. 185 days is a HUGE thing!! I hope I manage to get there. I also found that reaching out and calling someone real (HHM) was a massive turning point in my struggles. Keep it up!!

Thank you for sharing your story. I’m sorry to have to correct you regarding the abuse. Even if you enjoyed it, it was abusive, and it helped distort your understanding of sexuality.

You must be extremely motivated to have had the success that you write about.

I hope you can continue to be active here and post so that you can inspire others.

Best wishes for continued success
Vehkam

puppy wrote on 21 Aug 2025 18:10:

Very inspiring journey. Thank you for sharing!!
You seem to have exceptional Gevurah and determination. Especially the way you have gotten back up after a fall. By me, once I fall, it's usually a chain of falls... You're an absolute hero!

Keep going strong my friend...
We're in this together!

Thank you everyone for the feedback,
It's really appreciated, 
That that gives me definitely more spirit to go on, 

@Vehkam, 
You are right, thanks for correcting me