I probably wrote this to you in the past. I suggest that you do the Flight to Freedom program and regularly read The Battle of the Generation. Keep on posting and sharing, and keep on growing.

Almost fell yesterday, B'H it didn't work out. Not necessarily because of willpower. The opportunity simply wasn't there. I can't call that a success but at least it's not a failure. (Sorry for being so vague about my nisayon.)

I think updating the group here will give me chizuk to keep fighting.

If I think about what led me to even consider following my yetzer, I think it started with going to a somewhat treif website for a legitimate reason, which led to another somewhat trief website etc. B'H it didn't wind up any worse. Clearly the fight starts with the first step.

I have a good filter but I also have the password to turn it off temporarily (being the responsible adult, right?)  which basically equals not having a filter. I need to ask my wife to change the password and not tell me but how do I bring it up without making it clear that Im failing in this?

Fake inspiration. Women love that stuff.
Just say you happened to see a vayimain video, a doehu email, a whatsapp clip of a rabbi speaking about the hostages, your rav spoke about preparing for shavous. Literally doesn't matter. Unless she's unusually suspicious, or has reason to be suspicious, she'll eat it up without question. Aderaba, she'll be impressed you're so holy. 
Warning, this sh*ta is based on a sample size of: my wife. So YMMV.

Alternatively, if you never need the password for legit reasons you can enter random numbers in and save it. 

It doesn't have to be your wife. You can give someone else your password and if you ever really need it they can connect to your computer. It is also a psak of the Gedolei Yisroel to have a strong filter. This applies even to the biggest tzaddik who will never fall. If anything, the biggest tzaddik is more scrupulous to have a strong filter than the person who is weak in Kedusha. There is no reason to admit weakness when requesting to have a password you can't access.

years ago someone told me he has half the password, and his wife has the other half. it may be easier to bring it up that way cuz it isn't like your portraying yourself as someone who can't be trusted. rather you're saying that everyone needs shmira

So after a topsy turvy week, I wasn't perfect but I feel hopeful. I finally spoke to the famous HHM and I feel like there's a solution after all. Im not exactly clear on what that solution is as it will take another few discussions but he assured me that I will be clean of this after we're done. It's as if a massive boulder has been lifted off my shoulders.

I can't begin to say how much this stain on my soul has been bothering me and how it's been going on for decades. I've shed many tears over this, (and I am the furthest thing from an emotional guy)... If I had to make a list of my most important goals in life, being clean of this would be number one, before finishing shas, before financial success, before anything else.

Too often I feel like it's hopeless, as if there's no way out. I also feel like if this was my tafkid in life than Im a complete failure, What will I answer on the day of judgement, after not years but decades of sin? I can't help but ask myself, "whats wrong with you?" "why can't you have some self control?" "Don't you believe in Hashem? In schar v'onesh?" "how are you any better than anyone who eat treif etc?" 

I know all this talk isn't helping and it's possibly spurred by the yetzer harah himself, the questions are still painful because in a way they're all true.

If there's actually hope, then my life can take a serious turn for the better. 

Sorry for venting but I don't have anywhere else to get this out. Im respected too much by everyone around me... if they only knew...

Oy, can I (and so many of us) relate to so much of what you write, friend! 

GYE means hope. There is hope pf real and lasting change, even after decades. You can do it.
The things that people respect you for are probably true and real. These terrible struggles do not define your essence. And you can break free imyh and become infinitely greater. 

Reaching out real people is a game-changer. Glad you’re talking to HHM, he’s the Rebbe. 

Keep your chin up and hang on, it gets better. keep in touch. 
Here’s a warm hand, 
Chaim Oigen

Baruch hashem I feel like I've turned a corner and have broken through to an extent. It's over two weeks now that I managed to be completely clean and also managed to break some destructive habits that have been pulling me down. Of course it's a relatively small victory from where I aim to be, but I'd still like to reflect on it and see what worked. Hopefully then, it's just a process of rinse and repeat.

One thing that definitely stands out was speaking to some of the amazing people here on GYE. There's nothing like the chizuk you get from speaking to someone who's been there, who gets you and tells you that you can do it too.

The other thing that was really a game changer was having an accountability partner that I've been texting everyday. It sounds silly but the thought that I will need to answer someone at the end of the day has really forced me to reconsider some of my old habits and eliminate other ones.

I think that having an external incentive can be a remarkable tool. It may be small, but a positive reward for being clean for 30 days for example, can make all the difference. It's kind of like giving a kid a treat for going to shul, he knows he needs to go anyway but the extra incentive helps give the extra push. 

I decided to work from home yesterday and found myself in old familiar circumstances. Its been a while since I was alone with a computer for hours but it brought back some of the old feelings. B'h I recognized the issue before it got out of control, I got off the computer and called a tzadik to discuss. The advice he gave was to stay off the computer if there's nothing pressing that can't be done tomorrow.

Such simple advice and such a huge yeshua as I avoided the challenge. It's crazy how challenges can creep up on us so innocently. I guess this is where experience helps, having fallen before in a similar circumstance helps one be vigilant in the future. I thought this little episode would be helpful to others.

I would like to share an idea that I heard from R Ephraim Wachsman, I found it very inspiring and I thought it would give others chizuk too. And although I won't be able to present as eloquently as R Wachsman I still feel there's a toeles in writing it.

He quotes a Reb Yeruchem who asks, how can it be that Mashiach will come from our generation, all the gadlus that Mashiach will have etc, someone that even Moshe Rabeinu and Rav Shimon Bar Yochai will recognize as Mashiach, how can it be?

He says that we have it all wrong, we think that greatness is determined quantitatively, for example, the bigger the talmid chacham or the tzadik, the greater he is ... but in truth, greatness is determined by how much the person was able to shine from the darkness, to the degree that he managed to shine forth from his physicality, the greater he is.

It turns out that the more darkness the person is in, the greater his potential for greatness. Says R Wachsman, that there has never been a generation with such potential for greatness like our generation, being that we are more shakua in darkness than ever. 

So here I turn to the community here in GYE and say, here we are, a group that has been/is shakua in the mem-tes shaarei tumah, who have been in the darkest places ever known to mankind, how great is our potential for greatness, for reaching levels that even the greatest tzadikim of all time couldn't fathom. This matzav isn't our weakness, it's our maalah, it's our potential, it will define our greatness!

So things have been going pretty well up till Shavuos, I would even call them uneventful as far as nisyonos go, I was ecstatic to be going into Shavuos on a clean streak but otherwise it's been quiet.

For some reason the last two days on the other hand have been much more challenging, not sure why, but it's almost like I lost my cheishek to keep going. I managed to hold back from falling but I can say that it was getting close ... and the filter came through to save day once or twice. I'm trying to take stock and figure out "what happened?" I was kind of hoping that I was getting past this (if there is such a thing). Better to take stock now before anything happens chas v'shalom.

While I can't point to any new stresses, I certainly have my share, but nothing new that would explain the sudden challenges. The one thought going through my mind is the Gemara that says אבר קטן יש לו לאדם מרעיבו שבע משביעו רעב. I don't know how this cycle started but trying to give in to the temptations even a little bit, anything, even a just small glance, makes it starve for more and more. There is no way to pacify this beast other than to starve it. Give it nothing at all and it will leave a person alone. It will be happy and content and not need anything but the second one's curiosity gives in a little he's in trouble.

siyatta wrote on 18 Jun 2024 19:46:

The longer I fight this fight, the more convinced I get that there are just times that are tougher and times that are easier. Of course, there are often subtle triggers (exposure to sights, life stresses, old patterns of actions, HALT situations) that could be working on us without us noticing. And if you can remove (or at least acknowledge) them it's helpful. But at the end of the day, there are just times that are harder for no apparent reason.

R' Dessler and R' Wolbe both have shticklach on this as a general spiritual phenomona. 


[Worth noting that for the "true addict" supposedly unless you resolve the addiction you can slap a band aid on top for a week, month, several months. But as soon as something rips the band aid off you're back (maybe not worse than where you were, but to the same place of unstoppable lust.)]

Disagree with the bolded part to some extent btw. Starving it is necessary, but not sufficient.