I woke up this morning dreading another rough day ahead of me. I got my coffee, sat at my laptop, and opened GYE. It has been a morning ritual for a very long time. I saw that I had a Private Message and opened it. I will not say who it was from, but it was a nice "How are you doing?" message.... That was his first mistake...I went on a rant about how things are at the moment when all he was expecting was a "Fine, how are you?" response... After reading it, I thought that maybe that should have been a post publically, so here it is, in its entirety. Thank you to the Fine Gentleman that sent me the message, you got me to open up this morning, and I sorely needed it....

I thought so, too... I am really in a funk right now, not just with P+M, but with my entire faith journey. My Elul has not gone as I had hoped. My davening is in the dumpster right now. I have not even wrapped for a week.. I can't seem to shake myself out of it.(He asked about calling HHH) I had the phone in my hand and ready to dial it, but I couldn't. I didn't want to talk to him while everything in my spiritual life was crazy; I didn't want to miss the golden opportunity of that call... That is probably just an excuse... I am not sure about anything right now.

Part of me says that GYE is part of the problem (Just the Yetzer Hara talking) and that I should stop P+M and quit talking about it all day. Just freaking do it and shut the hell up about it, then the other side of my brain says that Judaism is the problem... "what's wrong with a little Adult Entertainment"? Everyone is doing it, and they don't see it as a problem...Just stop with the Dogma of the religion, "Not eating Bacon is going to help you win favor with HaShem?"... stop being naive..... I have all these crazy thoughts running through my head and not sure about anything now. Before I became a Baal Teshuvah back in 2015, I was happy and ate and drank and watched porn and had lots of sex (with my wife, of course)... Life was easy, now everything that I thought I wanted and needed is affecting my life in a negative manner.... I understand 100000% that this is all the Yetzer talking and maybe this is his Oct 7th with me.. A sneak attack and throwing everything he's got at me, and now it is my turn to respond... But how will I respond? or will I even respond? 

I bet you are sorry you asked... LOL

Thanks for reaching out. I hope you are doing well and ready for the New Year!!! I wish you nothing but the best!!

adam2014 wrote on 27 Sep 2024 10:17:

I love these last few words!
I think that's exactly it. The YH wants you to fall so he's coming with a million and one excuses and tricks.. but you know full well what an evil monster he is, and what he has at the back of his mind... Ignore him! Show him who's boss!

I feel your pain though... it's sometimes soooo hard...
Remind yourself how amazing you are for all that you've achieved so far - Hashem is well aware of every single difficulty along your journey and is no doubt extremely proud!! 

I must admit, you have a unique challenge because you feel like, why did I choose this life style?? Let's just rewind 9 years and I can do what I like and be a happy (?) man... 
But again, remind yourself of what's clear. What's Emes. That part of the journey - discovering the truth of the Torah - you've already been through. So don't let the YH confuse you all over again. Stay strong.

Much Hatzlacha!
UpAndDown

P.S. I relate to the fear of calling HHM... but they say he's a nice gentleman. So jump into it! And I might do so myself as well...

upanddown wrote on 27 Sep 2024 13:42:

@upanddown,
Did you make the call yet???

I fell today… feeling guilty bec it’s literally a day after RH… I didn’t MB but still can’t believe I’m starting the new year like this… any thoughts appreciated 

alwaystryagain2 wrote on 07 Oct 2024 00:42:

Hey brotha!

Validated emotion. But that's not what we're all about. We're not in it for the Guinness world record or the like. it's not about how it started (although it's a good boost sometimes), it's about how we continue. 

We have an opportunity this week to get real close to the Ribono Shel Olam. We can prove him that no negative emotions will let us get in the way of our eternal desire, of closeness to Him. 

Wishing you much hatzlacha!!

- Yiftach'l 

Thank you! I’m trying to move past it and have a good week and YK but the urge is very strong now… had a very good uplifting deep rosh hashana and feels like the yetzer hara is trying to bring that down… worried about tomorrow afternoon when i’m usually home alone. PS never posted here before but it’s really nice to be able to be brutally honest for once 

alwaystryagain2 wrote on 07 Oct 2024 02:06:

I'm so sorry about your fall. Intense spirituality is often a trigger. Ellul - and even more so Sukkos which comes right after an intense few weeks - is one of the most challenging times of the year...
But don't get too upset about it. Literally just forget about it and move on. As if it never happened...
When president Biden slips and falls (as he so often does...) he doesn't stay on the floor and shake his head and dust himself off, he just gets back up and carries on as if nothing happened!!

Stay strong and have the most uplifting YK!

proudyungerman wrote on 30 Sep 2024 18:06:

Yesssssss!!!
And it was amazing.....

@adam2014 - where are you holding? It's your turn!!

Hi Guys,

​Happy 5785 to all of you... I hope that your holiday was clean, healthy, and everyone is ready to take on the world in the coming year. I wanted to give everyone an update on my own journey. Sitting in shul on RH with my wife sitting next to me, holding my hand (Yes, that is allowed in a reform shul). I thought deeply about my life and the prospects for the future. I was listening to the music and the Rabbi giving a moving sermon and I thought about the blessings that are in my life. 

I first thought about the woman holding my hand next to me. Decades of love and devotion to me, raising two great children who are out in the world doing good things, I thought about all the chesed that I do and have done over the years. I thought about the home that I built and how I gave my wife and kids everything that I had.  A good home, a good education, fun vacations, endless love..... I was a great Dad and Husband.

​I am relatively healthy, my wife and kids are healthy, I have a few bucks in the bank, I am spiritually grounded.... I have a good freaking life!!!

I then think about why I am here, I am struggling like we all are in this department. It is a constant battle, It is more than a battle, it is a war!... It is a day to day, sometimes hour to hour fight. A fight that I am losing, but I am not going down without a fight, and I have a few more punches left in me.

​I tell you this to explain that I need to spend more energy thinking about all that I have and not the few things that I don't have. Would I exchange the health of my children for being clean the rest of my life? Of course not! How about my home and relationship with my wife? Never....

I have it pretty damn good, this is surely a problem that has to be dealt with and I am trying and will continue to try, but I have been wallowing in guilt and despair over it, when I should be counting the immense blessings that HaShem has given me. There is no reason that I can't continue the fight, but be happy most of the day while fighting it. 

That is my new focus for 5785. Be happy, be a happy warrior. Kill the YH with happiness, I am sure me being clean and happy will piss him off!!!!

​There is part of this that may be controversial and in no way do I want to offend anyone nor am I judging anyone either. 

I have stopped wrapping tefillin, I have stopped doing the obligatory three prayer sessions daily, and have exchanged them with a good sit-down conversation with HaShem each morning and sometimes multiple times a day. I am going to him for advice, to talk about my wins and losses. I cry with him, I laugh with him, I mostly just THANK HIM for everything I have in my life. I have let him into my life in ways that I never did before. 

I have stopped worrying and judging myself on how well I am praying, or how observant I am, I have given myself the freedom to be the person HaShem wants me to be and not a person trapped in an endless cycle of pray at this time, eat this food, read this book....instead, I am giving more tzedakah, I am doing more mitzvot, I am being a better husband, father, human being..... and in the process, I have been clean all of 5785...

​Coming from a non-frum background gives me a different perspective than most of you have. I am jealous of the structure and the community that most of you have. I do not have that luxury, so I have to carve a different path. Being a religious Jew in the non-from world is tough, very tough, but it also gives me the liberty of trying new things, not necessarily  better but different.... 

So, I am using these days to prepare myself, to forgive myself, and to get ready to attack this problem from a different vantage point. Of course, I will still be here getting my motivation tank filled up on a daily basis. You guys are the fuel that is powering this old ship through the choppy seas of life, and with HaShem as my Captain and you guys the crew, I know that smoother waters are ahead..

Shalom Brother Adam,

No one can work on everything at once. People who bite off more than they can chew either have to spit it out, or they choke on it. 
I'm not in charge of these things, but I think it's smart and good self-awareness to know your capacity and work on what you can manage. This will keep you healthy to take on more as you see fit in the future. What you are doing is incredible.
Carry on happy warrior!

PS I really enjoy the feeling that I'm the one giving the YH trouble sometimes. Flip the script.

adam2014 wrote on 08 Oct 2024 09:53:

The nice thing about not being dead is you get to try something and if it doesn't work out, you can try something else.
(At least with regards to porn. Idk how it works w/r/t Judaism.)

But on the topic of trying new things.

A huge step for me personally was breaking down the wall of, "I can't do that." Not every person uses the every tool to get clean, and every struggle is different. But for a long time I felt like I can do this thing or that thing (some of them pretty wacky), but there are things that I simply could never do to get clean. And if getting clean required doing those things I would just die unclean.

Until finally I hit the point where my life was so painful from the effects of lust that I felt like I would truly do whatever it took to get out of the pit. Only then did I start making some real progress.

Adam, my friend. I have a tremendous amount of respect for you, and I love this idea of being happy and focusing on the good. I think it's a tremendous idea. But. . . I hope you don't mind me saying this. But it sounds like you're digging around for other tactics because there are things you know would be helpful but you are not willing to do. And I totally identify with that feeling. Just look at my thread. It's chock-full of weird things I tried because I wasn't willing to do the things that I knew would help but were scary (some of those weird things were admittedly pretty helpful.)

And you know what? Once I hit that point where I was willing to do anything it turns out that I only needed to do a couple small and easy things that were not nearly as scary as I had been imagining. (At least so far. Maybe one of these days I will need to walk into an SA room. And you know what. I hate the idea, but if that's what it takes I'll do anything.)

This is a very long winded way of saying pick up the phone and call HHM
Doesn't have to be HHM btw. Just make some connections. Join a vaad, email someone who's posts you respect, go to an SA meeting, open up to your rabbi or a friend you trust and who can understand the struggle.

If you've already done that, or I'm just projecting horribly, please ignore me and forgive me.

Keep on trucking happily!

Thank you a million times!!!!  I am not claiming to have all the answers, I need and count on you guys to tell me that I am full of S@#$T sometimes. I appreciate your remarks and suggestions and please keep them coming. I, like you have tried many things to try to solve this problem. IE: New Tefillin, Redoing my office, Going to a Goat Farm with my laptop (I chuckle myself at that one). Just to name a few. 

I am willing to try almost anything, I just want to do it with a smile on my face. I am my own worst enemy, who seems to enjoy beating myself up whenever I can. 

​I have not reached out to ANYONE regarding this. It took me over two years of hiding in the shadows of this website before posting... I am a proud and stubborn guy, who has never asked for help in my life for anything. I was a young fool without 2 dollars to my name and wouldn't ask for help from my own parents who were more than willing to help. I am that stubborn old fool..... I know that this problem is not going away on its own, and I will be forced to ask for help and I know the help is out there... But it isn't easy for me... 

Thanks agains for reaching out 

adam2014 wrote on 08 Oct 2024 15:30:

On a personal note, HHM helped me tremendously with this exact point. He helped me see the real me and even learn to appreciate and love the real me that I am. That includes some of things that I've done that I'm less proud of (i.e. the things that got me here...)

Either way, glad to see you back again!
Ain't nothin' like the early mornin' cuppa joe!