Hi all,

I have been lurking in the shadows of GYE for a number of years and just in the last month or so, came into the light and started posting. I see that my posts are all over the place and decided to start a new Topic about me and my struggles and not hijack other peoples threads. 

My story is simple and unfortunately common. I am in my 50's and happily married with two amazing kids and I am addicted to P and M. Have been for decades and I see it getting worse. My sex life with my wife is almost non-existent at this point as my focus is on P and M. It is easily available, never says no, never judges my performance, and gives me the variety that a 30+ year marriage doesn't. I am also going down a slippery slope in regards to the types of porn I am watching, they are getting darker and darker and things that in the past would have disgusted me are now things that I seek out. That scares me! 

I come for a non-orthodox home and do not live in an observant neighborhood. I live in a town that if I had to say is mostly Reform and Conservative Jews. I hate putting labels on Jews, because a Jew is a Jew and their level of observance does not mean they are Less-Jewish than anyone else. I just say this for context so you know where I am at. 

I am hesitant to call myself a Baal Teshuva, but I have greatly increased my observance in the last 8 years after my first trip to Israel. I still have a long way to go (like everyone) but HaShem has blessed me in so many ways and if this struggle was taken away, I think that I could climb so much higher. Maybe this is the final Nisayon that is holding me back? I don't know... only HaShem knows.

I am working though the F2F program and chatting with a few on you guys online. I am still not ready to speak on the phone about it. Hashem Help Me as graciously sent me his number and told me to call him anytime. He will be my first call when I get the courage. 

I want to limit the technology in my life and try to give myself a little advantage in this fight. I work in IT so I am surrounded by Smartphones and unfiltered computers all day. I am trying to get rid of my personal smartphone and use a dumb phone. I want to do it for a few reasons. One, it is the first choice that I go to when I want to act out. Second, every time that I pull it out of my pocket it will be a reminder of the battle that I am in. I know that it is far from the only problem I am facing, but I think that both logistically and symbolically it will greatly enhance my chances.

At this point 7 days is my best, with normally 2 to 3 days seems to be the norm. 

That is my story and would appreciate any thoughts, ideas, prayers, well wishes or any kind of inspiration you guys could give. This website seems to be full of amazing people and would like to get to know as many of you as possible.

adam2014 wrote on 03 Nov 2023 11:59:

Welcome!

Let's start with this.

Why do you want to stop? For real, like today. (How) does porn usage negatively effect you in a concrete, tangible way? 

Let's do this together, you get rid of your smartphone, I get rid of mine? Up for the challenge? Who else wants to join us? Commit to stay off it for minimum 7 days let's say.

Brave fellows here giving up Smartphones. Hashem sees!

I will give it a shot..... Let's pick a start date and then chronicle the journey. Should we start a new thread and call it something like a "Freedom From Smartphone Challenge" or something like that to get more people to join? I am not good with the logistics of this forum yet, but would love to do it.

I have answered this in the past and I don't want to go back and look for the post, since you are asking about my "Why" as of today.. right now... 

​I will list the in no particular order.

1. Because HaShem doesn't want me to be living like this
​2. My love life at home is suffering greatly because of it
3. It degrades the women in the videos
4. I want to live a more observant and authentic life
5. I am NOT a pervert and need to prove it to myself
6. It would free me up to do so much more good in this world
7. If would be a major victory over the YH and that is always a good thing
8. Don't like living in the shadows and having secrets from my wife.

I guess that is it for now as I sit here at 523 am on a Monday morning

adam2014 wrote on 06 Nov 2023 10:24:

Thank you; great reasons, and it's important to write it out/even better to talk it out.
I did look back and I found that you wrote these 5 reasons:
1. HaShem doesn't want me to do those things
2. My relationship with my wife is not what it should be
3. The deeper the hole, the darker the porn
4. I want to live a more authentic and observant life
5. It is crushing my self-esteem and I am not the person that I really am.

So 1 and 1 is the same; I'll leave God for some other folk.
2 and 2 are similar, but not exact; I'd love to have a conversation with you about that.
5 and 5 are written differently, but are rooted in the same mindset I think - good to talk this out as well.

In any case, I may be available, if you so desire, for a 20-minute conversation in the afternoon.

Godspeed

Yes,@Adam2014, please make a new thread so it will be focused on that and not get muddled. 

A quick personal update and a question. This last week has been rough. I have had a few clean day and a few falls. The tracker is back at day one and that is disappointing but not very surprising.  I had an overnight business trip on Monday and fell almost instantly after getting into my hotel room. Yesterday my wife was visiting her mother and I was alone again last night and made a great effort to stay clean but didn't. I called a few friends and chatted on the phone to kill time. I worked out (ran almost 3 miles) that would hopefully consume some of my pent-up energy. I ran some errands, limiting the amount of time I was in the house alone. But after all that, I jumped into the shower and it was over. 

The most frustrating part was that, I put a lot of effort into staying clean. The night in the hotel was different. That was a sneak attack and caught me totally off guard. This time, I knew it was coming, was prepared (or thought so) and was ready for the assault, and still I failed.

I give myself some credit for the effort, but I am not looking for "participation trophy" , I want victories. 

​So as the sun begins to rise and I am typing this before getting ready for the day ahead. I wonder what today will bring? My wife is coming home later this afternoon, but I still have the next several hours to be alone. I feel totally at peace right now and have no urge to do anything, but I know around every corner is a threat. So the question is, do I repeat yesterday and stay out of the house as much as possible? or do I just hunker down in my office and try to just concentrate on my work. Most of my work is on the computer and I could do it from a Starbucks or a cafe.

​Thanks for giving me this forum to vent a little 

First off, a belated Welcome! you sound like an amazing person yourself ready to try and tackle this issue.
I know that it's hard to appreciate the victory that comes from pushing off watching porn, as hashem values every action that you do to push off the nisayon even if you do end up falling. I had a similar situation where I went out of town for a trip and spend a lot of time trying to distract myself but as I lay down to bed I just couldn't stop myself looking for porn. It definitely feels like a loss but L'maaseh it's a huge victory. Especially realize this shows where you are mentally that you were willing to work so hard to get yourself out of the house just to do battle with the YH. 
With regards to tonight, if you know there is a certain time your wife will be home, then I think it makes sense to keep busy until then. It may help to not only do errands but to do something particularly exciting and fun.
I'm rooting for you man! Many here have been in situations similar to yours and have come a long way, it may take a while but persevere!

also on the nights you are alone, it may help to go to bed earlier. I have found it helpful personally.

Quick update... Yesterday turned out to be easy! no hint of the YH.... but today is another day and I am ready!!!

Here we go, another day, another challenge..... Yesterday was easy, no problem.. worked all day and was tired at night, it was a good day. What made is a good day was at 11 AM EST, I watched a prayer vigil from the Tomb of the Patriarchs in Hebron. I watched fathers crying out to HaShem for the return of their sons and daughters. I saw some of the biggest Rabbis in the country, beseeched HaShem to intervene and lead the nation of Israel to victory and bring home the IDF Heroes safely. They read Tehillim and sang songs of praise and my heart melted right along side of them.

I was last in Hebron in July, That holy ground that has seen so much over the millenniums. I was at the gate of Gan Eden praying to HaShem for many things, including what I am trying to do here on GYE. Seeing the vigil and the people there was a stark reminder that we all have challenges in our lives and if the people of Hebron and Israel can survive and thrive in that environment, I can surely stay away from  P and M.

I have never been this motivated to stay clean. I know that motivation alone will only sustain me for so long and I still need to do the work and learn the skills to remain clean. The soldiers still need their weapons and so do I.

HaShem is appreciating my efforts and rewarded me with the time to watch that vigil. He gave me the boost that I needed to get through the day cleanly.

I boldly and confidently head into this Shabbat with my heart bursting with love of HaShem,  knowing that the battle still rages, but I am ready to meet and defeat it. This is MY life and with HaShem on my side, I have everything I need to win not only the next battle, but the war itself. 

Hey Adam, great points and great analogy! Fight on, soldier! Onwards to victory!!

frank.lee wrote on 11 Nov 2023 21:56:

Adam, 
You are amazing! 
The fact that you come from a non observant home and you live in a non-frum area, but  you still have the will and the guts to fight is just mind blowing. 
You have what it takes to win! and once you see that, your life will change to the better, you will start observing more and more ( are you ready for that?....) Its just a simple byproduct of the soul being able to shine finaly after being burried for decades in filth. 
It happend to me and it can and will happen to  you. Will it be easy? no! remember that "Nothing good in life come easy" 
But it does get easier as time goes by and your brain starts getting the message that you dont want to go down that path anymore.

Keep it up and keep us posted, please.