I think it is time to take this up another ten notches. I need to work the program more and not just come on here and bitch and moan (even though that is allowed and encouraged). HHH I am going to call you... I was going to private message you, but I want this public. I am not expecting miracles, but your concern and your overwhelming respect from everyone on this site make it foolish not to take advantage of your kind offer.

I have a house full of people this Shabbos, and hopefully, that means that I will not act out, even though I have found ways in the most crazy situations. I will start the F2F program from step one because that is where I am.... at step one... I know that all my clean days and streaks were important and should not be dismissed, but it is time to begin again. Calling HHH is going to be the first big step.

Normally, I do feel for the girls in the videos, and especially the live ones in the chats. This was such a departure from the norm for me. I have so much empathy for people, ALL PEOPLE... but participating in hurting them is beyond the pale. It has to stop, and it has to stop NOW.

Good Shabbos Everyone..... Thank you again for supporting me, Hopefully I can someday be available to help some of you as well.

This is Elul, the best time of year to reevaluate and account for the past year. While my year has had many great moments (my daughter's wedding being the best), it was also filled with smut, falls, and actions that show a total lack of respect for myself, the girls, and most of all, HaShem. 

Maybe these last two days were needed to "wake myself up" and start down this path to recovery in earnest. 

Now this is a post worth waking up for!! 
Way to ratchet up the work a bunch of notches, your grit and tenacity is awe-inspiring!!

Have a wonderful, sweet, CLEAN, Shabbos!

adam2014 wrote on 13 Sep 2024 10:20:

Loved every word of this post, but the part above jumped out at me. You don't have to be at some arbitrary point of sobriety to support someone else. Most of the time, support is about giving a listening ear, not sharing wisdom. You've got ears.

You've also clearly got a lot of hard earned wisdom. But even if you don't feel comfortable sharing that, just lending an ear and a good schmooze to a chaver is a heck of a lot of support. Just something to think about.

Adam, I feel your pain! The events you described were the reason I finally joined GYE. I saw it as a progression of my addiction, another red line crossed. Knew I needed help fast.

Kudos to you for doing the correct and courageous thing, may it only go upwards from here!

R' Adam. Your perseverance, courage, and in particular, your honesty, is very inspiring. I beg you, call HHM today. Like right now. Just do it. For me, that phone call was the one degree turn (okay maybe a few degree turn, it's not soo easy) that has me on a completely different path today!

Looking forward to your amazing success, 
iwantlife

How was Shabbos, Adam?

Did you manage to speak to HHM yet?

We are thinking of you, brother!

Shabbos was great. I did not fall or even have a bad thought. It was just the lifeline I needed to break this cycle. I have not had a chance to call him yet. I am trying to get a little time away from the house to make the call in private. 

I'm feeling a little better going into this week. Mondays and Tuesdays are the busiest days of my work week, which is a good thing for this issue. When I am busy, it is easier. As the week slows down, I have more time, and that is when I get in trouble.

I am excited to be returning to Brooklyn this Sunday. I will spend the day in Williamsburg, learning about the neighborhood and the Satmar Hasidim.  I have made arrangements with someone from the community to show me around. I am fascinated by Orthodox communities and their beautiful and authentic lifestyles. I have been going to Crown Heights for almost 20 years and have many friends there. The more I learn, the more I respect and admire their commitment to HaShem. This will only be my 3rd time in Williamsburg and my first with a local resident, so I am very excited about going.

I know that the Satmar are very insular and have a very controversial view of Israel. I am not there to talk about politics or to give my own opinion; I am there to learn and hopefully get inspiration to live a better life when I leave. On my last two trips there, I didn't get to interact very much with the locals. This time, I will be with one of their own, and hopefully, they will be open to talking with me and teaching me about their way of life. I also hope to grab a Kosher Dumb Phone and finally rid myself of the single piece of tech that gives me the most trouble.

If any of you guys are from that neighborhood, I will be in Gottliebs around 2 pm. I would love to say hello in person to any of you guys. I will be easy to recognize.. LOL, I will be going with a friend who is not religious and thinks that I am nuts for wanting to go to these places. He is only going because our wives are spending the day together, and he has nothing to do... Hopefully he has an open mind and enjoys the experience. 

Sounds awesome!! Enjoy! The Satmar Rebbe is known for his strong and deep love for all people.

Is that why all the Secret Service is there?

gevura shebyesod wrote on 17 Sep 2024 10:41:

For all those wondering what the bus driver is talking about....
matzav.com/former-president-donald-trump-expected-to-visit-gottliebs-in-williamsburg/

redfaced wrote on 17 Sep 2024 12:10:

I'm glad to hear that you are quoting the proper website for kosher news...

Shhhhh... Don't tell anyone ... The traffic is bad enough

adam2014 wrote on 17 Sep 2024 10:35:

Please don't let the YH get you on this one!
To quote my dear friend Shem, if there's time for porn there's time for calling HHM.

Please make it happen today! For you!

Rabbi Adam, 

I feel your pain, i really do. A big part of what's holding me back is the fear that i will fall deeper and do worse things. That scares me. 

But to answer your question about why now all of a sudden? This is a very well known phenomenon, when you stop acting out like you used to, your urges will get worse in some way, temporarily. I have a few reasons that make sense to me. 
1. The YH is trying to get us to give up. Simple.
2. Your Brain is  used to the dopamine hit from lust and it wants and needs it again. and you have shown the brain that the usual stuff wont do it for you anymore because you are fighintg it, so it found something thats stronger.
I have the same problem. Back when I used to watch porn, I felt nothing for that person, i couldnt tell you anything about them afterwards, it was just about me and my one body part. But now, I feel pleasure by looking at a dressed woman much more then i did looking at porn, because its real unlike porn. So the struggle is never over my friend.  The only way we can win is to focus on and learn how to not get carried away by our lustfull thoughts. 
So you saw something that excited you,
So you feel your heart rate shoot up to the sky,
So you feel the excitement rushing thru your veins, 

This is where you get in, we got our brains used to now tell us "well, its over, you saw, you felt, you are too excited now. Just finish it and give me that sweet sweet dopamine and norepinephrine that i enjoy, and we like SHEEP would go and...................

But this is the part we can actually control, by teaching the brain and the body that nothing happened if we got excited, we DO NOT NEED to do ANYTHING! The feeling will go away in a few minutes and we will be back to normal without doing anything. 

Work thru the program, it has lots of critical information. 

Good luck and Good Shabbos. Enjoy the Holy things of shabbos and the desire for other things will decrease. 

You are a hero for even caring about this stuff when everyone around one hasn't a clue whats your problem even.
  

I'm really looking forward to my trip to Williamsburg this Sunday, but it's taken an unexpected turn. Gottleibs will be closed, but I'm still planning to go. The events of yesterday were so surreal. Just hours before Trump was supposed to arrive, the owner passed away. It's hard to believe. My heart goes out to the owner's family. He was clearly a beloved figure in the community. 

Finding another restaurant in Brooklyn shouldn't be much of a challenge, but if you guys have any recommendations for somewhere in Williamsburg, that would be greatly appreciated. 

I wish all of you a wonderful and peaceful, and clean Shabbos...