Thanks so much for the kind words. This war has many fronts, and I am trying to battle them one at a time. I am focusing on my technology and getting that back on track. I got rid of most of it a few months ago, but the Yetzer had other plans and some of it snuck back into my life. I don't need to remind any of you of this. It is a big part of this journey, but I am going after it one day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time!

Thanks so much for all of you supporting me, and hopefully, I may say a few words that will help you as well!

This is just a daily hello to all of you guys. I wish you all a good and peaceful Shabbat Shalom! 

I had a 4-hour stretch alone yesterday, and everything went well. Another win in the win column for me! So happy to be back on with you guys!

Let me briefly tell a story of life outside of a frum neighborhood and the additional struggles that I have to deal with. I was in my weekly Zoom Torah Class with the local Rabbi (Reform), and he was talking about Eating Kosher and Tefillin. He said they are both "Good things to do if they speak to you, but if you are just doing it because you feel obligated to, then you shouldn't do it." 

I sometimes struggle with my tefillin, as I have no local minion and always wrap alone in my home, and occasionally, I will skip doing it. I have been eating Kosher for about two years now, and it is a challenge because my wife and family are not (my wife 1000% supports me in this), and most of my friends do not, even though they are Jewish. 

Not that we talk about it much, but my friends will joke about this porn site or this smoking hot girl they saw at the beach. I have so many elements of my life that are working against me. I even have my local Rabbi lamenting some of the basic tenets of Judaism. 

I still have my Chabbad Rabbi in my corner, and he is a great resource for me and my friends in Israel help the best they can.

There are days that I tell myself how much easier life would be if I lived in a Frum neighborhood or at the other end of the spectrum, if I just gave up wrapping and eating Kosher and trying to stay clean in this dirty world that we live in. 

Maybe this is just another test, but for once, I would like to catch a break and have something go easy for me. Telling a Baal Teshuva that eating Kosher and wrapping tefillin is optional???? WTF!!!

Thanks for letting me complain... Have a wonderful day!!

adam2014 wrote on 27 Aug 2024 10:02:

You, my friend, are a bigger inspiration than you can possibly imagine. You have a lot more going against you than the average person, yet you are putting in a significantly greater effort

In the past, the beginning of Elul was the "kick-off" to my attempt at living a better, more observant life. I was always excited for Rosh Chodesh Elul and the next 60 days. It was the spiritual highlight of my year. My first trip to Israel was during Elul; many great things happened during this time.

The path that I used to follow was simple. I would grow each day heading towards Rosh Hashanah, cresting around Yom Kippur, and I would carry that motivation and enthusiasm into the new year with vigor and hope. It would be a great kickstart to the year. The excitement would last a while and then begin to wane. Each year it would last a little longer, and I always hoped that it would last the entire year and come next Elul, I was still "Fired Up" and the next cycle would begin again.

The truth of the matter is that P and M were also part of that journey. It would be a stain along that path of hope. I would sometimes last a week or two, but it was always the first to go and put a damper on the entire year.

This year is different. I do not feel the excitement that comes with this period. I am not looking forward to the next 60 days. I am sickened by the fact that I am still in the beginning stages of this problem. I had two or three good days and a fall. I will have an excellent davening day, and then something triggers me, and I feel all the good went out the window.

Maybe this is good, and perhaps I need to be less excited and more focused. Maybe feeling this way will lead to better results? Who knows? 

For me, Rosh Chodesh Elul has been one of the most important days of the year. Now, it is just another day on the calendar that needs to be survived.

Chodesh Tov everyone

 Shabbos was great this week. I did not have my phone with me all day. In my non-frum world, I had so many people calling my wife, saying, "Where is he? He is not answering my texts"... My wife would explain that "He is trying to stay off his phone on Shabbat.".... the answer was generally a chuckle, and they said, "He won't last two hours."... These are the headwinds I face daily in my own world. These are JEWS saying this, ridiculing a fellow Jew trying to perform a Mitzvah.

These are some of the questions and comments that I get from my JEWISH friends.

Is he not going to watch Football anymore? 
Tell him that it is dangerous to wear a "beanie" outside these days.
Did something happen to him? Why is he doing this?
"I told you Chabad was a cult"
"Is he sick? Is he dying?
"Does he really want to move to Israel?"
What do I make Adam for Dinner? Will he eat Shrimp, or is he just not eating meat? 

These are literally verbatim comments from JEWS who have known me for decades....

I have to add that my best Christian friend called my wife and said that it was great that I was "connecting with my faith more" and offered to help in any way I needed. 

Happy Monday Everyone... Stay strong, and for the love of God, do not watch any Football today. LOL 

Wow! The Nisyonos you are dealing with are beyond anything most of us can relate to. Every mitzvah you do in the face of such social pressure is HUGE!! Stay strong. 

WOWOWOW!!! 

I can't imagine the nachos you are bringing to The Ribono Shel Olom! 

I envy your strength and courage!!!!

KOMT!

I will make sure to keep this short. I fell yesterday, but not in the usual manner. For obvious reasons, I will not go into details about the specifics of the fall, but it was awful. I crossed a line that I have not crossed in years. For many of us, it may not be that big of a deal. I did not get physical with another woman; it was online, and she was of age and all of that. It was the feeling that I had while doing it. 

Usually, my falls are somewhat generic; I get triggered, go on my computer, and look at porn, and the fall happens. I feel guilty the entire time. 

This time, I was "into it." I enjoyed it. I found a way to subvert my guilt for a few moments, let go of my soul, and enjoy the depravity. Then, when the fall was over, the guilt and shame roared back like never before. I sat in my room and cried for about 15 minutes. I could not look at my wife the rest of the day and couldn't sleep last night. What does this mean? Am I sinking lower? Are things getting worse? Or was it just another bump in this long and bumpy road to recovery? 

Is this another type of test? A new front in the war? or does the kind of fall matter? Is a fall a fall, or are some falls worse than others? 

Yesterday was terrible... I am almost afraid of what today will bring.

Sorry to hear about that.

If you're finding your acting out is escalating, and that it's making your life painful, maybe a call with Dov to consider the 12 steps would be helpful. I believe his email is wequithiding at gmail (someone please correct me if that's wrong).

I'm sorry @adam2014 about what happened. 

It's good that you are in touch with your feelings...

How was today?

Unfortunately, It didn't go well.. Same situation and the same result. I was hesitant to even comment on it and was going to skip checking in tomorrow out of shame and disgust. But that is stupid, you guys always have my back... I should be here more often, not less.

Today sucked!.. but I have hope for tomorrow

Thanks for asking 

I am so sorry to hear. We do have your back. The darkness has a way of tricking us it will be forever dark. I am happy you feel hopeful, perhaps its lifting...

We are here for you buddy no matter how rocky the ride is. Maybe the thought that you are hurting that woman by creating some sort of online relationship will be a deterrent. Women who are willing to do this stuff are usually either very desperate for money or terribly needy for attention. They end up getting very hurt emotionally and sometimes physically. Men are able to "do their thing" and walk away, dumping the woman like a sack of potatoes. Women are often emotionally scarred; they somehow believe the man may actually care about her, only to find out he had absolutely no real interest in her - and in addition often ended up being sexually used and abused in ways they didn't intend to allow. Even when it remains completely online, let's face it - the man is focused on pleasure and ejaculation - she is only the stimulant - and she does a good job. The woman is focused on him "getting close" - which is at most a shpiel.

You sound like a nice guy who would never want to hurt anyone - especially one who is such a nebach.