I hope I can get my point across that will make sense to you guys. I will try to keep it brief. I have struggled with P and M for a long time and as I fall further, the porn gets darker and darker. It is like I am searching for more depravity and filth. The "regular" porn doesn't do the trick for me anymore.  That is where shabbos comes in. On the day that HaShem rested and the most special day of the week, I think that watching porn on Shabbos really sinks me to an entire different level. The same smut and filth I watch during the week is so much worse on Shabbos....and that is the depths that I am forcing myself to sink to.

Does that make any sense? 

​Basically, I am trying to sink as low as possible, and acting out on Shabbos is about as bad as it gets and that sometimes gets me in trouble. I am on a 5 day streak and Shabbos is coming tonight and I am EXTRA worried about tomorrow. Am I alone in this way of thinking? 

Every day has a partner. Shabbos came to hashem and said I have no partner. Who will be my partner. Hashem told Shabbos- Klal Yisroel will be your partner. Try to treat Shabbos as your bride. Every effort you put in to protect and honor Shabbos will be reflected right back at you. More than klal yisroel protects Shabbos , Shabbos protects Klal Yisroel. Be proactive in trying to embrace Shabbos and focus on that. Try not to focus on any fall Chas Vishalom.

I totally understand the rabbit hole. I was in very deep before hashem pulled me out.

Best wishes
Vehkam

Maybe listen to the very hard shmoozim given around the world specially about Shabbos in light of the tragedy we had in EY 2 weeks ago on Shabbos.
Especially the Nissim the Shomrei Shabbos experienced.

Adam, 
There's a lot of pain in your post. Feeling along with you. How was Shabbos?

When you describe a drive that you feel you have to push yourself lower, "forcing yourself to sink as low as possible", are you describing merely how "regular" pornography is no longer exciting and you feel compelled to look for that which is "new" for excitement? Or do you feel in you a drive to dive deep into darkness, to sink into place that you feel are black and full of horror, to debase yourself? That's a different kind of drive... May be coming from a different place. It's valuable to understand whats going on inside. 

Whatever it is, here's a warm hand. We are here with you. And there's hope here! Stick around.
Chaim

Welcome to the club

From your header alone it sounded to me like Shabbos maybe a trigger day or what not. Which would mean that you’re looking for Shabbos chizuk which some guys gave.

However it’s clear that it’s not your real “problem”, as you say;

Adam2014 wrote on 05 Oct 2023 09:42:


I wish you luck spelling out p and m, and getting over the struggle. It IS doable!!!

Once you do so, of course Shabbos will be enhanced too as you learn how to utilize the day, when unfortunately many kill time and loose the awesome opportunity the day was meant for!

bentchkvatcher wrote on 22 Oct 2023 11:04:

Lets ALL listen to the very hard schmoozen about not watching porn or masturbating. that'll really do us good right? thats all we're missing, some fire and brimstone mussar to tell us how bad we are...
and especially about how WE are responsible PERSONALLY for every death in eretz yisrael. thats right, every time you look somewhere you shouldnt, YOU are causing at LEAST 2 or 3 more deaths in eretz yisrael..

Why stop there while you’re at it take on your shoulders the break down of social order in society as well I mean all those fantasies are just horrendous and just for having them you contribute to the breakdown of the social order in society. Clean your minds with soap people you’re the problem not the solution 

Yeshayahu 41:6 wrote on 22 Oct 2023 15:29:

Hmmm.... This brings to mind the conversation we had last night.

cordnoy wrote on 22 Oct 2023 16:30:

Was hoping to catch your attention

I also learn from the best among us how to respond this way...

Not talking about Porn Im talking about Shabbos. Keep your Porn and kill on your own Cheshbon. Im talking about Shabbos and saving.

um, do not listen to harsh mussar about watching stuff on shabbos, they are the astzas hayetzer, they want you to think your frum for a bit, then you feel even worse that before, and give up! (talkin from experience i had in high school) it  was very clear to me that my porn watching on shabbos had nothing to do with religion, it simply was a great diversion from reality, and things i felt anxious about,  listening to the shmuzim will infuse guilt even more, instead try to focus on why you feel such a strong need for an escape! you are a good jew that wants to do the right thing! i can promise you it has 0 to do with religion. we just have  more time to think on shabbos, so that equals more anxiety,  
one more point i think bentch kvatcher meant was that these shmoozim can potentially lead to more hisoirirus, for the REAL WORK that you  need to do! best of luck i can Definity relate to you having been through this challange! it is totally doable!
feel free 2 reach out!

Thank you for the kind words!

I feel that I am trying to sink to a darker and darker place because I am not worthy of the blessings that HaShem has already given me and I am trying to punish myself for all the times I let HaShem down. I am using porn as the vehicle to bring me down. (If that makes any sense). I hate using the term "regular" porn, because there is nothing regular about it, but normal regular porn brought me down to a level of disgust and shame that somehow leveled off at some point and it became somewhat pedestrian and failed to shock me anymore, so I had to dig deeper to find the additional guilt and shame that I felt I deserved. It brought me to places that I never thought I would go and to things that never would have been of any interest to me before. 

Sexually, I have had a very normal life, never abused as a child, have a lovely and caring and willing wife that supports me. The blessings that I have already received are so much more than I deserve and since HaShem isn't punishing me, I am looking for a way to punish myself. 

Shabbos was great this week. I surrounded myself with people and made sure that I was not alone at any point in the day. It was easy, didn't have a single urge to do anything bad. I think the YH knew that I was focusing on this Shabbos and waited a day to attack me, which happened yesterday. No need for details, but had a fall, feel bad about it, but am trying to celebrate my first 7 day streak.

​I can't believe that I am sharing this on the internet. I really must trust you guys...

adam2014 wrote on 23 Oct 2023 10:16:

I relate to what you are saying in part, and am feeling along with you. I have gone through some of these feelings, or similar, in the past. 
Feelings don't have to "make sense" in a logical way to be real - they have their own reality. The urge to self-destruct can be a horrible reality. 

Shame and guilt are generally terrible, circular, traps... regret is a far healthier, constructive emotion, it's easy to confuse them, and the results are invariably destructive ...

Please keep unpacking these feelings and sharing - this is a safe place. Daylight is a wonderful disinfectant, and brings relief of burdens carried in the darkness, for too long...

7 days is something to celebrate. Celebrating your growth is something to celebrate, even more, maybe...
You are worth more than you feel you are.
Try having a little Rachmanus on yourself, please. Feel rachmanus for your own pain…. 

Stick around, friend. Hope lives here, sometimes just over the horizon.

חיים

adam2014 wrote on 23 Oct 2023 10:16:

You are a heroic fellow and are courageously engaging with the oilam here and BH are seeing results. May Hashem guide you further.

Just a point to ponder - You wrote "Sexually, I have had a very normal life" - how about your wife. Has she? If you answer yes - are you sure?