Im sick, just had a long conversation here on gye where no-one filled me in that the content i was posting about wasn't what i thought it was. I'm so done. I'm sick of conversations where the point is to 'get someone' and not to get to the truth. I'm not in a dirah in eretz yisroel any more trying to prove a point in an argument at 330 AM and i don't have a clue where the conversation started from. We want to support others here, have conversations and help people the best way we could. Not to baselessly argue and say the same thing over and over again without any proof, without responding to the points expressed, and without trying to understand the angle the other is coming from. I'm just so pissed. Im so done. If you don't want to argue, sure, let me know you don't want to argue. But to just state a belief that is challenged, and then to just repeat it over and over and over without hearing the other person out and trying to see what we agree on, and instead just get pissed, is frustrating. Why the hate? you don't want to try proving your point? You'd rather just move on? say so. You don't want to continue a conversation that was started? Say so. When i bring up a valid point and its responded to in the same way that 2 immature politicians avoid all questions and just try to ask their own questions back, is stupid a waste of time, and disappointing. Especially when so many people thank the posts that haven't addressed a question or challenge i have. So frustrating.

I guess you guys don't like haggling over something until we have clarity if something is true or not. I respect that. This is for support and not arguing. I have to learn how to shut up and not respond to every post that I feel is making an opinion a fact. I have to suck it up and move on. just because I want to spend time on it, doesn't mean the whole forum wants to spend time on it. So here goes the work. I will beezras hashem work on only posting support and no arguments over the next week.

I'm drained. This back and forth did not go in the direction i thought it would. I thought someone would fill me in if i posted 5 posts about something that i made a mistake about. Nobody did, and i went on to ramble for who knows how long about something i made a mistake about. I'm drained, out of energy and Good night.

Emes-a-Yid wrote on 11 Dec 2022 05:20:

Sorry that I wasn't on the forum for some time, @jackthejew stated the answer to this already, it just helps, even saying "Hashem Bless Her, Hashem help Me." gives me a quick mental shift instead of obsessing. 

Human being wrote on 11 Dec 2022 06:21:

BTW I am not married but I am dating someone that I think I may get married to. still early days. I have been told this advice before but I keep forgetting so thank you for reminding me! I am wondering how am I gonna get myself to do this, I feel like this needs more discussion because I have a fear of asking someone to set me a task. I know it will get me to do things better.
All the best.

My opinion is that she will very much appreciate your openness, vulnerability and your desire to be the best you. I think she will especially feel trust in you that you found the trust to open up to her.

If you explain to her that you are asking her this because you want to be the best you and want an outside opinion of someone you trust, i think it would be great. As long as its done with confidence. Good luck whatever you do!

What a day. I got triggered full on trauma mode tonight by something my father did. I verbally told my father off in front of everyone in my family. I then called everyone back to the dining room to apologize to my father in front of my whole family. I was mortified that I embarrassed my father like that. 

I then sat by my dining room table crying bitterly about the father i never had. About the scared, traumatized father that is a shell and isn't my real father in my mind. Of all the years feeling scared of him. Of all the loneliness, and fear I felt in my own house. Of having a father that cant hold down the fort and therefore doesn't even try, only responding to my mothers calls for help but never helping on his own. Of having a father that doesn't know me, know how to know me, or know that he's supposed to know me. A father that is either helping others, dozing off or eating.

A father that feels to me like my younger brother who is 6, who doesn't know how to express himself, stay calm, or lead. A father that starts conversations explaining how his day went, because he's doesn't know what to say or how to respond to my feelings and experiences I experience in my day.  


On the other hand,..... about an hour later I went back to my father to explain what happened. I explained the trigger and I finally told my father what I was holding in for so long. about how he's scary when he's upset because he doesn't know how to express himself and feels dumb so instead just gets frustrated, restless, flustered and becomes someone that isn't reliable to turn to for safety. He heard me out. And i ended the conversation by explaining, "do you think any of your children are going to want to share their struggles with you if this is how you react? How can i share my challenges of shmiras einayim with you, when you get angry in front of me that non-jewish people cause you to be oiver avieros? Do you think I'm going to share my challenges with you, when you yourself react to the challenge with anger and tension? 

Do you think I'm going to be able to share with you my struggles with movies, if we are watching a really frum movie with laughable fake fighting and you get all flustered and angry that its being played? If you cant respond calmly to someone watching very very low level violence, How can i ever feel safe sharing my challenge watching movies that have 100 times worse violence?

I'm so overwhelmed. first it was last night with my father, now my younger yishivish-bocher brother is home with me. I take him out, chill with him and show him respect like he deserves, especially because my father isn't the best at that.  That being said, being together with my brother makes me feel fat (that type of feeling-lethargic, down, sleepy, nihilistic and depressed.) Because that is how I felt when I was a yishivish kid/teen and I had no way to leave that environment. 

Anyways this morning I was triggered so bad by my mother. (I don't know why Hashem is sending so much tough love these days- i guess its because he loves me)  Me and my younger brother ( Age 16) -who was home for an off Shabbos-, (he's usually not home) were schmoozing for a while after we woke up, and it began getting very late in the morning. (It was 10:30). My mother then began whispering to my father about us, and my father comes in a minute later and starts angrily telling me, that my younger brother needs to go daven. (he's 16). Only after i asked him "what does he going late to davening have to do with me? He has his own bechira, talk to him" did my father turn to him and tell him he has to go daven. 

Mind you, my brother is in 11th grade and going late to shachris and its my fault?  It brought me even father back to the bad old days where i was blamed for everything. Nothing could ever possibly be my mothers fault. When i told my mother that my older sister has similar challenges to me because she grew up in the same challenging home situation as me, her response was "She likes you, so she copy's you" again, my sisters big life challenges, my fault. When I told my mother that as a result of emotional neglect my sister is developing anxiety (scared of the house burning down, robbers etc. etc.) (she has more anxiety then me) My mother said, Its because you talk about emotional health stuff alot which scares her. (she's almost 12). Again, family problem? My fault.  When my brother is wild at home as i walk in from yishiva, i tell my mother, "-----" is not so regulated right now, is there something we can do? Do you know why he's not regulated right now? The response? "well he was doing just fine when you weren't home. Again, my fault. When my sister smashes my Shabbos hat, -My fault. When i share anything about therapy or healing from MY FREAKEN NEGLECT AND TRUAMA I WENT THROUGH, she responds with, "maybe its time to start working on how you as a person with your personality can have a better schedule instead of doing therapy because you always had an intense personality with might be a big reason you are not functioning well. In other words, my pain has to do with me. Its my fualt that im so dysregulated and not functioning so well, forget the whole trauma thing.  

What i wish i could respond --"oh, the reason I'm stuck in bed paralyzed at times is because that is my personality? Oh, the reason why i wake up terrified is because of my personality? Oh, the reason i feel like i need to cry and curl up in a tiny ball and hide every time I'm authentic with my feelings is because of my personality? Oh, the reason I bite my lips, my inner cheek, my skin, pick my face, scratch my head, need a fidget spinner and gum to read is because of my personality? Oh, the reason I'm scared of my father is because of my personality? Oh, the reason I was crying in the bathroom for an hour after feeling the pain of my childhood bullying, was because of my personality? Oh, the reason in elementary from 6th -8th grade I stayed in my car alone every day after school till I went to bed, was because of my personality? Oh, The reason I cried when I came home for an off Shabbos, was because of my personality? Oh, the reason I cant learn gemara because i get too much anxiety to focus, is because of my personality?

Not only do i have to go through so much pain all alone, I have to feel like an embarrassed ball of shame, misfit and mistake too? You have to add on a cherry on top of me feeling like the most shameful person alive?    

I have no words to say.
I feel a glimpse of your pain.
May Hashem help you overcome your challenges and grow and inspire others.
Hatzlacha Rabba

moved

I just realized why I'm getting triggered so much the past few days. It's the first time in 9 years I'm home for Chanukah. And therefore, I'm responding to triggers with what I would have responded with back then. Except that back then, my feelings were hidden and repressed and I didn't even know they were there. But now I've been to therapy for almost 4 years. I have access to my feelings. When my feelings are triggered, I no longer shut them off and numb myself to oblivion. Now, when I feel a feeling, it surfaces. I feel it. I'm back for the first time for Chanukah in 9 yrs and all the feelings I had back then at home that were boiling and bursting inside of me the past many years, are bursting out. 

In my first 'triggering', my father did something that triggered my fear of him I never knew I had. In my second 'triggering', my mother triggered my anger towards her, for making me her scapegoat and for always making me the one to blame. And the third time was tonight. Abandonment and neglect. This is the story.

I was in the restroom and my father wanted to light candles. So he asked me if the family should wait for me until I came out. I told him yes. I started thinking, "doesn't my father want to wait for me? Why is he asking if I want him to wait for me? ok, that's the story of my life i think, at least they are waiting for me. Then comes the knocks on the bathroom door not a minute later "Helllloooo were waiting" "comn already" "let's go" "your making everyone wait". this is in the 3 minutes that I'm in the restroom. So i think to myself, its upsetting that I have to stop mid-bathroom to be able to light with my family. But i think to myself, "at least their waiting the 4 minutes to light candles."  So I'm frustrated and upset and finishing up in the restroom when i hear my father from the dining room "Baruch ata adonai, eloheinu melech ha'olam asher ...........lehadlik ner, shel chanukah..........haneiros halalu........"

When I was younger I would repressed and shoved the feelings aside, not even knowing they were there. Now, in the present, I would usually avoid feeling and embodying the feeling and just moved on or moved away. But now it's Chanukah. I'm home with my whole family. It's the first time in 9 years I'm home for this Yom tov that brings up all feelings-family. This time it's different. It's Chanukah, there's nowhere else to be except family. This time, the trauma of my fear, and the trauma of my anger and pain, are not running away. Are not taking ignorance is bliss for an answer. They want to be cared about, the hurt, anger, pain and desperation in my soul.

A swarm of feelings welled up in my chest. I quickly ran to get my keys and leave my house with my whole family watching me run out without lighting.  I went to a parking lot and cried bitterly for half an hour for the father I never had. The last good memory I have with my father is from when I was 10.  I cried for not having any memories of anyone who cared about me and loved me, taking me on a drive just for fun at age 11, or running around a field, playing football with me at age 12, or giving me a sexual education when I was 13. I cried of wishing someone would have sent a letter of love, encouragement or pride to me when i was in yeshiva when I was 14. And for not having a protective fathers corny jokes at 15. I cried for wishing for Chanukah presents that never came when I was 16 and no-one saying "we missed you so much" after coming home (after a month in yeshiva), when I was 17. I cried because I wish someone older and stronger could have told me "yes life is hard sometimes, you can always rely on me when it's just too hard" when I was 18, or took me boating as a break from the stress of yeshiva, when I was 19, For having no-one that called my rebbi in Eretz Yisroel to ask how I'm doing when I was 20. I cried because I wish I I could have a home i would love to fly back from erezt yisroel to, when I was 21, and from wishing i had a father who loved me and cared about me and............................... would want to wait 4 minutes so I can light the Chanukah candles with my family when I was 22.

Human being wrote on 25 Dec 2022 02:51:

Raw feelings. It’s painful. Thanks for sharing. 

I’m sure you lit already ¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡

Now take another menora, light it in the bathroom, with a scrawl or graffiti write this message, and send me a selfie too

“Lehadlik et halevavot. Love Karl Markz”

Human being wrote on 25 Dec 2022 02:51:

I feel for you, man. Sounds a lot like the father I never had. So sorry. It’s painful to be treated like that. 

Markz wrote on 25 Dec 2022 03:08:

I feel a little better journaling here to the guys, although i haven't went back home yet.

Human being wrote on 25 Dec 2022 03:35:

No rush. Take your time 

Bla.

Human being wrote on 03 Jan 2023 22:20:

Vent or Share? Cause I'd love to send a hug