This is a safe space to share your fears, dreams, feelings, and story. It's like a group therapy thread for when we need to share and want people to hold our hand. 

Rules- NON JUDGMENTAL ZONE!!! NO MATTER WHAT!! 
         - No advice
         -Be curious and ask questions to help people open up. 
         -Be supportive and compassionate 
         -Validate
         -SHARE YOUR STORY!
         - VENT,VENT,VENT,VENT ISTEAD OF PORN,PORN,PORN. (Or M)

Waiting to hear from everyone.
#VENT INSTEAD OF PORN

Hi everyone I want to share with everyone that the longer I'm off porn, The more and more I'm healing my emotional wounds of the past. 

Instead of running off to porn I'm first thinking to myself....Which emotion am I trying to escape from now? Fear? Anger? Instead of zipping off to masturbate I'm just wallowing in the pain. Instead of running off to watch porn I'm just wallowing in the anger. Its so healing. Besides for not watching porn, I'm also Actually FEELING the feelings I've been running away from my whole life. Anger at my parents. Feeling useless in my yishivish community because I'm not the "top Guy" who can sit all day. Feeling like a burden on my mother who has to waste all her energy on someone who will not produce anything she desires. Felling shunned from my father because I'm not as yishivish as him and he has no skill at how to communicate. Being angry that I have no father or mother to turn to for my emotion needs. For affection for respect for encouragement. For not being allowed to dream or have goals because my goals are for nothing important either way if I'm not learning 24/7 with a yishivish shprach. For being told 1000000 times I was a hard baby, hard child, hard infant, always cried, was challenging..... and made to feel that I'm one big Burdon whom is getting a favor done to him by my righteous parents to give me basic necessity's, because beetzem I don't deserve it because I'm worthless and useless.  



The anger and worthlessness of being told every time i walked in to the door my hair was too long even though it was an inch long (instead of a hi after being away for a month) of being told i always do this and ever do this and I'm always doing this and never doing this.... On and on.  



The awkwardness of being sent to school every day as a kid with clothes that looked gross and being the class neb. being told by the best friend i had that "I would never look good" Being told by my father "I always thought nothing would come of you" (hes socially unique like that he doesn't understand that it hurts to tell that to your own son)



The anger of being bullied in school and being the class neb but not having a mother who cared about be or was interested in me to turn too. The raw pain of feeling like someone who is too invaluable to be loved or cherished. Instead being given the message over and over that I deresevr whatever going on because I'm worth less then a bowl of cr*p.



On and on and on..... Instead of turning outwards toward porn my mind is turning inwards toward my pain. Im sharing all this with you because its very healing! thank you for reading, But also because i want to show everyone first hand how much moving away from porn can help us heal and grow. Thank you!

Human being wrote on 16 Oct 2022 19:18:

I can relate to some or many of those things.

It's hard to always feel like no one understands you or values the things that you do.

HI HUMAN BEING 
I totally relate
Although not exactly the same exact way.
But by having parents that fought with other family members including with their own kids, put me in a similar place.

Right now I am BH just a 57 days clean.
Having urges today. Not sure why

But please tell us more about yourself. We could learn from you.

Thanks for being open
Ur a champion

I'm sorry eyes that you had the experiences you shared.

'eyes' in what ways did your parents treat you? Were you one of the kids in your family that where affected? Obviously only respond if you feel comfortable.

To put it mildly 
My mother didnt speak to her mother which caused a huge break up in the family. 
I was 13 years old and I would come home every night to see my mother crying bitterly.

It happened on erev YK that I looked up to Hashem and said I cant take it anymore. At the time I was holdign my tefillin in hand. I passed my a garbage bin and was about to throw it in and my yiddishkeit as well. I then looked up at Hashem and promised that I wouldnt. 

I had lots of hard years in Yeshiva because I was not able to focus as the havoc at home was too much.

I finally left home because I was being sent to a special yeshiva for boys who cant learn. That was very traumatic for me. I was very close to one of my brothers and being separated was very hard for me.

I was not allowed to speak to my grandmother, BH I was able to make up with her and we had a very close connection with me and my kids before she passed away 

My grandmother died almost 2 years ago. I miss her tons.

The scars are still there

in the year of her passing I would suddenly cry as I missed her tons

I would dream about her in the night

My life is perfect. So why am I searching for illicit sex?

could you please explain?

BTW we live in an epidemic. anyone could get caught in it.
Even though your life is perfect

BentchKvatcher wrote on 20 Oct 2022 07:32:

Perfection.

eyes wrote on 19 Oct 2022 23:36:

That sounds really painful, having a mother who wouldn't let you talk to your grandmother. It sounds like the dynamic with your mother definitely wasn't fun. It must be so gut retching to miss your grandmother so much. I really hear the longing you have to have her around.

Where does your mother come into the picture now? What is your relationship with her at now? Remember feel free to ignore the question. (or answer in detail!) Remember JFZ judgment free zone!

I had such a hard time last night and the past couple days. I have a part of me that is really uncommitted to reality and likes movies and trips and ads about vaca and girls fireworks etc..... I was on a trip and this part of me gets triggered on trips. It was so hard not to give in to my not committed-fantasy part. But bh i got through it. i was craving girls companionship. weed alcohol, movies. Bh it didn't go to porn.

cordnoy wrote on 20 Oct 2022 13:29:

?

Wow ever since i got on this streak so much healing has been done. I just let it all out to my parents. My anger at them for not knowing how to love me, my porn addiction my frusrations and pain. Its going to change quickly for me at home but its been slow steady proggress. AND BH NO PORN OR MAST for 63 days! 
I am feeling a little overwhelmed. I really let off 20 years of pain and anger on to my parents. 

How did they react?