DO NOT DELETE IT JUST YET.
1st read this and please let me know if you took this forward at all!
tcproperty44 wrote on 31 May 2018 19:09:
I don't have a Rav that I feel comfortable asking this shayla to. Therefore I am asking on this forum if anyone knows the answer.
I have had an addiction problem when I was single. Once I got married I got it under control.
However, during the beginning of the 12-14 day niddah cycles I keep falling repeatedly. It's like there's no light at the end of the tunnel. Two weeks is just too long. I AM NOT LOOKING FOR ANY TIPS OR ADVICE ON HOW TO CONTROL MY ADDICTION. I have already read most of the GYE website.
I am asking specifically if anyone knows if Halacha will permit my wife to keep Niddah D'oraysa and go to the mikva after seven days. This way I can control myself knowing it's just a few days until we'll be muttar again.The way I see it, chumrah drav zeira is making me be oiver serious issurim.
Thanks in advance.
HERE IS DOVS RESPONSE
Dov wrote on 01 Jun 2018 12:49:
Disclaimer: as you requested, I am not gonna try to "advise you in how to control your addiction," as you put it. I will explain exactly why, later. Now, be"H, to the ikkar:
Of course you "do not have a Rov I am comfortable asking this to."
We know that your shayloh is about a hanhoga that would be a huge and rare heter - and to truly answer such a shayloh you'd need to open up to any Rov about the details of: how hard it is for you, what you do when she's asurah for the second week, vs the first week, how often you sin and how badly, what goes on in the bedroom and what isn't going on, whether you came into the marriage with a 'zera levatola problem' or a porn use problem already, etc.
So the priblem here is not finding a Rov who is the kind of person you'd be comfortable asking this to, of course. It's that you (or any of us!) are waayyy too ashamed to be open enough to provide all the details that any Rov would of course need in order to answer this shayloh. And to get the right feel for the true circumstances of your situation, he would most likely have to meet you in person, for this is obviously a very sensitive and individualized heter you are asking about.
So to be clear: the problem is not, "I don't have a Rov that I feel comfortable asking this shayloh to," but rather that you'd never ask this shayloh properly to any Rov, of course. The problem you are suffering so painfully from is that you are too ashamed to properly ask this important shayloh. The problem is shame, not finding a Rov. It's in you, not in "the Rabbonim you already know not making you feel comfortable enough to ask."
Same as with your wife. The problem is not her, not in her (normal) cycle, not in the 'pesky d'rabonon requirements' put on you, nor in any other circumstances around you.
The problem is you and your own character. And I doubt that you are an addict or have any addiction, at all - and I'm an addict myself saying this, chaver! I think you just have no clue yet how to deal with your own yetzer hora and your own sexuality. It is unfortunate that you are also probably too ashamed to open up about this to anyone. There are many who could help you, if you would really be open and honest about it all. But the only people who are safe, are people who are those who are 1- willing to meet you in person to talk about it and 2- are also clean for years, themselves. My advice is to stay away from random people posting on any username-based website such as GYE. Your problem is a real one, it is a real-life issue and your marriage and life are are in the balance. Many here are philosophers and advisers - from a safe distance - and have nothing of their own to offer that's real or proven over time. Quoting p'sukim and sforim means nothing, necessarily.
If you would like a good, experienced Rov and Posek to discuss your issue with who will be safe, I can give you his USA number. But be prepared to be fully open with him. He is tried and tested and safe. Many people I have send him from GYE have expressed thanks, and he may help you get the help you really need - which I maintain is probably not with 'controlling your addiction', but just learning how to be healthy in general. Torah helps with that when it's from a Rov who really understands and has experience with issues like yours.
Hatzlocha chaver!
Dov